Reflections of a blissful hermit today. Posted by John on November 06, 1999 at 11:35:01:
In Reply to: Re: Welcome to Micki & Lydia posted by Lydia on November 05, 1999 at 20:19:02:
This is a wonderful conversation going here, Kiddees!
Talk about magic! Lydia winds up crossing our paths NOT because she was
looking for mindfulness training, but because she was so struck by the
characteristics of this friend of hers that she labeled "con-artist,"
and was so impacted by those words in her space that what her body did
in response to this was to begin searching the worldwide Web for "con-
artist." And so she found her way here.
Can you imagine that, Folks? That's beyond imagining to me. {laughing
out loud} Suppose it would turn out for Lydia that because she was so
upset about that painful friendship it would lead her to discover that
she actually likes mindfulness and likes practicing it the way we do
here. For me, just being now with the experience that someone could
connect in such a way with what we are doing here in this class . . .
absolutely makes my day.
And congratulations to the amazing technology of the Web, itself, and
whatever search engine you used. For this is certainly a good place to
learn about Con Artists . . . . . and Dictators . . . Judges, Rebels,
Doormats, Believers, Martyrs, and Kind Helpers, as well.
We have to remember that we have our own personalities and other people
have theirs. And they go around without knowing they have a
personality, and thus are on "automatic pilot," going on and on with the
habitual manipulations that they unconsciously do with other people.
And these manipulations do hurt. Playing the "Con-Artist" with other
people hurts them—perhaps mildly at times, but the pain caused by this
is cumulative.
At least, in studies such as we are undertaking here, a person can learn
what personality is, and study it in their own self as well as in the
selves of others. At least one can know what's going on. And more than
that, one can begin to "work on" their own personality, so they can
begin stepping aside from it in order to try out some of the other
skillful options that lie at hand. That's the awareness game. We'll be
studying this here in the First Grade (along with other subjects in
Classroom Talk that participants introduce).
We have to be able to reject. This is of vital importance, and it plays
a vital part in the *whole* workings of the meaning of love. For
without rejection, too, there cannot be a whole manifestation of love on
this planet. You have to be able to reject and still be loving. For
love has to do with being *authentically who we really are*.
I broke it off with an old Con Artist friend of mine years ago. He was
one of my longest and oldest friends, in fact. I finally became
convinced that he would never seriously address his habitual habit of
taking advantage of me and other people. He did this unconsciously, and
"innocently," even, as he didn't really understand what I meant. Yet,
because he has so many truly brilliant and fine qualities, it somehow
hurt me too much to be around him and have to endure the impact of
listening to stories about "advantage-taking" any more.
Just as Lydia was honest about it with her friend, I told him frankly
that it was because I couldn't bear to hang out with his being such a
Con Artist that I was deciding not to go on being his friend. He
shrugged. He was baffled. I even told him that I felt that by being
his friend I had been colluding with his own deception and advantage-
taking. I felt that I was an "unhealthy" influence on him in that way
(I think A.A. calls this "co-dependency," right?).
It was a heart-breaking decision on my part. We had shared a lot of
history together over the years. He certainly knew all my many grievous
faults very well! I've benefitted many times, both socially and
financially, from his brilliant conniving abilities in the "downtown
world" of my old home town. I was "hooked" to the advantages that
accrued to me this way by being his friend over the years. This is a
guy who could lie just for the fun of it, as if to keep in practice.
But he was probably the most interesting fellow I ever knew in many a
topic of conversation. I guess I had just been stung one too many times
over the long haul by the painful discovery that he had been uncognizant
of my feelings once again and discounted my hopes and wishes by
betraying me yet another time for the sake of the money in it for him,
of all things.
I've stuck to it. When occasional meetings have accidentally occurred,
I've been both cordial and seriously firm. We have to be able to
reject. I do love this former friend. I wish that he would get over
his alienating Con Artist ways, and be far happier in his life than me.
And I miss him, Kiddees, I really do! Yet, I don't wish to co-
contribute to that act any more. That's not my path. I am not his
person. In the final choice of it, I choose to be authentically me.
I don't know if mindfulness will prove to be your cup of tea or not,
Lydia, or perhaps already is. But you have chosen a good time to drop
in to our little classroom, because after we have studied the Dictator
for awhile here now, the next thing we'll be taking a look at will be
the Con-Artist. Have you seen the description of the Con-Artist in the
Playground, and looked at the elements of this type in the wheelbook?
Does this archetype that we are using here sound anything like the
characteristics that proved to be so bothersome to you in your "Con-
Artist" friend?
Coach
I've got to get running now. As the old-timers here know, I work
weekends at a ranch outside Tucson. I'll get to check back in with
Classroom Talk for a few minutes Sunday morning, and then I'll be back
again in class on Monday. "Steady" and "casual" are my watch-words for
the rest of this year. Have a great week-end everybody! It's gettin'
much cooler here now. The weather is just beautiful. And all of a
sudden I'm gettin' excited about heading back out to the country again!
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