First Post Posted by Michael on November 11, 1999 at 11:38:12:
I've been exploring this campus for a couple of months now and feel
ready to share some experiences with the class.
I would describe myself as a lover/martyr who sometimes moves into hard
worker/doormat. My wife of nearly ten years is a player/judge
alternating with can-do person/dictator. In other words, we are polar
opposites on the personality wheel.
My wife is the most rigid person I have ever known. She is very
opinionated and has no patience for anyone who does not share her
opinions. She views the world as right/wrong, black/white. There is no
gray area with her. She quite literally hates anyone I have ever had a
relationship with, including my parents, family members, friends, and
associates. I would describe her as a shrew and a prude, but I find her
quite attractive physically (I'm a lover -- what can I say?). I joke a
little about this, but I think I'm a classic case of someone who fell
hard to physical attraction and now feels helplessly rearranged.
My wife and I have had a very hard time keeping our marriage together.
We have two wonderful children, and we really have tried everything to
hold it together for their sake. We've done counseling, encounter
groups, even psychiatry. I feel weak and emotionally abused. My wife is
angry and feels that I blame her for our troubled marriage. We've been
to the edge of separation many times, and always pull back just before
falling into the abyss. Sometimes I yearn to just jump into the
oblivion of divorce, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.
Last summer, I went on a Zen Buddhist retreat. When I had the
opportunity to talk with the teacher in an individual guidance session,
I explained my marriage problem. He told me, "Conditioning would have
you believe there are only two choices ---- stay or go. Your job is to
find the middle way. Once you've found that other way, you can stay and
everything will be wonderful or you can go and everything will be
wonderful." I came away from that experience with a new faith that I
can only change myself, so I resolved to be more compassionate with my
wife. Of course, I realize now that I was simply moving temporarily to
the other side of the duality continuum. After a couple of weeks, the
judge in her pushed my martyr buttons and made me feel rearranged yet
again.
Everything I've read tells me that changing my outside circumstances
will not really change anything. I'll most likely meet these same
obstacles again and again, and yet I can't seem to get past being
terribly unhappy and feeling like I can't be who I really am in this
relationship. I often have dreams involving cliffs and abysses, and I
have this strange feeling that I'm supposed to jump off. Does that mean
I'm supposed to bail out of this marriage?
I thought of John's recent post in which he said something about our
being able to reject and still be loving. I would appreciate any
guidance along these lines regarding my situation. I do hope this isn't
too big a can of worms to open up.
Wanting desperately to be my authentic self,
Michael
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Archived February 13, 2000