More Re: First Post Posted by Jeff on November 12, 1999 at 11:01:17:
In Reply to: Re: First Post posted by Jeff on November 11, 1999 at 18:24:40:
Hello Michael & all:
I would like to explain about that last post. I logged on last night
and the "Thought for the Day" was as I posted last night. After reading
you post I thought about responding with the quote AS PART of my
response. I hit some button or other on the keyboard by mistake, and it
was posted. About that time my family came home and I was swept up in
some family matter that need to be attended to. Needless to say I never
made it back to the net.
So hopefully, I can fill in here a little today.
Michael>Last summer, I went on a Zen Buddhist retreat. When I had the
opportunity to talk with the teacher in an individual guidance session,
I explained my marriage problem. He told me, "Conditioning would have
you believe there are only two choices ---- stay or go. Your job is to
find the middle way. Once you've found that other way, you can stay and
everything will be wonderful or you can go and everything will be
wonderful."
This is not unlike the quote from Buddha, the only problem is that the
most important part was left out of both. Your "job" as the Zen teacher
said, to find the "middle way". HOW? Like Buddha said we try to control
the world without contolling the inner mind. Right, but HOW?
Michael>I came away from that experience with a new faith that I can
only change myself, so I resolved to be more compassionate with my
wife. Of course, I realize now that I was simply moving temporarily to
the other side of the duality continuum.
I can see myself here, if I'm not getting what I want by force of will
or being a better dictator, then I switch to "love & compassion". In
the end, I begin to feel like, "I loved you, why couldn't you love me
back the way I want to be loved".
Michael>After a couple of weeks, the judge in her pushed my martyr
buttons and made me feel rearranged yet again.
What are my buttons? People not doing what I want. For me this does it.
When people or situations are out of my control my ego/personality are
being stepped on sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. What do I do, my
personality reacts. As a judge, I would enlighten them on the error of
their ways. As I rebel I might just say screw and head to find someone
who fits my ideals.
Michael>Everything I've read tells me that changing my outside
circumstances will not really change anything. I'll most likely meet
these same obstacles again and again,
Here in this class we have begun by not changing anything, merely
observing, with mindfulness. To become aware of our reactions is a
start. Then we can move onto using this awareness to observe others. I
still can't change them directly, but I can respond differently. As I
begin to practice mindfulness I can start to observe that which is
society, culture, books whatever. Those influences that have helped to
set up my expectations. Slowly I can begin to sift through this and see
what it is that I really like or dislike. For me it is not so much a
conscious choice but something that surfaces after sspending a little
time in non-judgemental observation(practicing mindfulness). For me
this is the HOW. By starting at the begininng and doing the exercises.
Trying to incorporate bits of mindfulness in my daily routine. Learning
about myself, and others, not from a book or web page but from
experience. Sometimes what I thought of myself will be similar to what
I experience, often it will be completely different.
Michael>and yet I can't seem to get past being terribly unhappy and
feeling like I can't be who I really am in this relationship.
Back to the how. It's one thing to know there is a middle way, inner
self, spirit, or essence, but when I'm wrapped up in wants,
expectations, pain, it is difficult to cut through. So I wash some
dishes and observe. If my thoughts begin to stray from washing I
observe this nonjudgementally and go back to washing the dishes.
Michael>I thought of John's recent post in which he said something
about our being able to reject and still be loving.
I'm sure the coach will have much more to say, but to reject or accept
on the basis of ego/personality, will give you answers based on
ego/personality. Back to where we were. I don't like where I'm living
because the weather is too cold, so I move to Florida. Now I realize
that its too hot and humid. So I move again. Possibly with enough trial
and error I might hit the mark and find perfection, but if I can look
at the snow with mindfulness I can see the perfection and beauty
therein, I still might not like the cold and decide to move, but when I
do, I will make that decision after looking at the possibilities a
little closer
Michael>Wanting desperately to be my authentic self,
As the Zen Buddhist might say, Your Authenic self is right there with
you, all you need to do is look. Mindfulness can be the looking glass
to the soul.
Michael>I often have dreams involving cliffs and abysses, and I have
this strange feeling that I'm supposed to jump off. Does that mean I'm
supposed to bail out of this marriage?
I am not a marriage counselor, and that decision must necessarily be
yours. However, The abyss may merely be a Heffalump trap, and should
you fall in, you will likely find me(and who knows maybe Douglas). We
get enough folks in there and we can stand on each others shoulders and
get out of there one of these days.
take care, Jeff
PS. Hi ninad and welcome. Also Mickey, hello and sorry I mispelled you
name earlier.
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