What is the person doing here? Posted by John on November 16, 1999 at 15:58:23:
In Reply to: A coach's dilemma: keeping up and staying in the now. posted by John on November 16, 1999 at 15:51:35:
(13 pages, in 14 pt. type)
[The hung-up pages, suppressed by my ego last weekend.]
What is the person doing here?
This is the fundamental question to ask when you would like to recognize
the personality type that is at play . . . whether it is at play in your
own behavior or in that of another person that you are studying.
Today I'd like to look at postings by Lydia, Doug, and Suz for examples
of this. Lydia has apparently made very astute observations about her
own behavior, Douglas has recognized his own "paranoia," as he called
it, in thinking that I have been "digging a Pooh trap" for him (and I
think I may have caught on why his thinking that has been much more
intelligent and logical than the rest of us might have guessed). But
first, I need to explain what I have been driving at in that posting of
Suz's where I asked you all to try to guess why I felt I heard the music
of the Dictator in her remarks about her personal relationship with
music.
As you may remember, I was lecturing along in class one day. It was a
long, serious, very important, and technically complicated teaching
about how to tell whether one is awake or asleep. Late in that class I
said:
>I can look at the nature of what I'm doing in relating with any other person and catch on . . . I pick up on the music of the types, like one recognizes the differences between grand opera, country and western, jazz, and rock n' roll.
Suz responded to that thread by saying:
>I am glad you mentioned something about music in a couple of recent postings as this stands out in high relief for me!
She then went on—coming from her essence and sharing experiences in a
good communicative way—to tell about the important place that music
holds in her life. But the "behaviorism" that caught my attention had
already happened.
What is the person doing here? She *changed the subject*!
As soon as I started reading your posting there, Suz, I said to myself:
"Ha! Dictator! Changed the subject!" Whenever I seem to experience
the "vibe of controllingness" in whatever a person is doing, I get a
hunch I'm hearing the music of the Dictator.
This is NOT a judgment of you being "bad," Suz. You *have to*
understand that. This is not about putting you down. Every one of us
in this class—including me!—has a personality! This is only about
learning to recognize what these personalities that we all have are.
I hope I can explain this adequately as this "What is the person doing
here? approach to observing behavior is a very important thing for all
of you to catch on to. All the things you said about music were just
fine, Suz! I mean that. But the *form* of how you did it was to
"suddenly" change the subject from what I was teaching about. I was
talking about learning to recognize the different personality types by
hearing the distinctive "music" of each type. And you responded to that
by talking instead about "music in general." Do you see what I mean?
Now, I don't mind, for goodness sake! You kiddees can talk about
anything at all in this class, whatever you feel like talking about,
whenever, as the spirit moves you. But I saw this as a great example of
a particular form of behavior that we could all benefit by seeing
together: changing the subject. And changing the subject—what does
that do? It *takes control* of the conversation. Do you see what I am
pointing out here? Changing the subject from "the music of the types"
to "music in general" is a way of "taking over" the conversation."
The ol' Coach was lecturing on and on, and you "took control of the
class" in that moment. Can you all see what I mean here?
Now, I am NOT saying that you took control of that conversation on
purpose, Suz. I'm not suggesting you knew that you were doing that at
the time. You were NOT sitting there thinking: "Okay, Coach is talking
about 'A,' and I'm going to "take over" the class now, and change the
subject by talking about 'B.'" Yet that, effectively, is *what
happened*. What did the person do? You changed the subject. You do
that from time to time. I've seen it here before. It is a "form of
behavior" that happens in your pattern of relating with other people.
Perhaps you can learn to see that.
Now, for Heaven's sake, we've got to be "sophisticated" about these
observations, kiddees. We've got to become able as quickly as possible
to look at observations like these objectively together, and without
getting bent out of shape or timid about it. Somehow, we have got to
find a way, as a group, to be able to look at behaviorisms that happen
in class without getting awkward and constrained about speaking freely.
We must go on feeling free to share whatever we have to say in
Classroom Talk, and yet be sophisticated enough to be able to handle
looking at it objectively, too.
This has been an issue that Jeff and Doug have mentioned in the past;
Suz, too.
>Doug!Don't be afraid of falling into the pit! We are all here to help each other right or wrong but if you dont know if your answer is right don't be afraid to raise your hand anyway.
Good! [Again, by the way, I hear the music of the Can-Do Person/
Dictator here. For one thing, if you stop and notice (What is the
person doing here?) she is giving Doug a "direct order." She says,
"Don't be..." Giving orders is a form of behavior that is most
frequently seen in Dictators. The context is "commanding." "Do."
"Don't."
And we are dealing with being "afraid" and with having courage here. It
is the Can-Do Man, the Can-Do Woman who specializes in transforming fear
into courage, exactly what Suz's essence is working on here. Good work,
Suz. Can you think of any way to "shoe that horse" without giving a
direct order? In other words, is there any way you could get this same
message of encouragement across to Doug without telling him what to do?
If so, the same "job" can be handled coming from pure essence with no
personality in the field.] Jeff followed that same thread, adding:
>This is not about judging from someone who does that well, though hopefully not as much as I used to. This is about identification of personality and essence.
Exactly right. What is the person doing here? He is explaining. He is
"being wise"—he is being in his essence as a Player. He is "not about
judging" (as he sometimes does when he's into his Judge personality).
And our valiant Blackboard Eraser, picked for that job because of this
very "mitigating," "balancing," "moderating" quality is also modeling
being "self-reflective" here, being objective about his own self, and
being "self-disclosing" about it. Good work.
In your own conversations with each other, I see here that you students
are already coming to grips with this issue of being comfortable about
open disclosure that is subject to objective study. It is touchy. It
is tricky. But we must be able to learn both to share freely with each
other and to comfortably study our sharings together—or else we'll just
have to find another entirely different approach to learning the types
on the wheel. (We could study the types in famous people and what they
say and do on television, for instance. That would work.) But by far
the best is if we can be sophisticated enough to study each other
together, as we are starting to do here now. We have an almost perfect
laboratory for doing this study together!
And I might point out that I've noticed several of you being self-
reflective in your postings (as Jeff was being above) and commenting
right on the spot about what you notice in *your own behavior* as you
are writing. This is a good way to go! The ability to self-reflect
this way is a key characteristic of mindful warriors. The master isn't
going around saying "I don't have an ego and a personality." The master
is going around saying "I have an ego and a personality, too, and I
notice it on my own some of the time, and I'm glad when you point it out
to me, too, if I don't happen to notice it first."
I would be very sorry if any of the postings that have appeared in
Classroom Talk over the long haul had not been posted. I would be sorry
if your posting about your deep personal relationship with music had not
been posted, Suz. It's good for us to know all that, to get to know you
better! I would be sorry in the future if any of you decide not to post
your remarks because you are concerned that they might be studied in
class. That is, I hope that talking about this doesn't make our
conversations "stilted" from now on. Let it all pour out spontaneously,
as you will.
And if any of you, in the course of your speaking up in class, happen to
notice the music of personality in something you are saying, don't erase
it! Point it out right then, on the spot. We can all learn from it
that way. We can all learn together from each other. Me, too! I don't
see all my ego and personality in what I do and say, Kiddees! Bring it
to my attention when you spot it! I'll be grateful to you! Show me
where you are sharp-eyed enough to spot my personality types showing up
in blatant high relief. Let's learn to do this kind of objective
observing *for the fun of it*!
And, be self-disclosing. Yes, that's a good way to put it. I DON'T
mean you should be getting into personal details that you think ought to
be kept private! That's not what this is about. But be relaxed about
sharing what you see your self say and do in the world. "Ain't no beeg
t'ing, bruddahs and seestahs!" as Hawaiians say. We all "make ass"
from time to time, as they say in the Islands. Lighten up about your
personality; try to accept that you, like everybody else, have one.
A master makes mistakes, too, sometimes embarrassing and terrible
mistakes. (And yer old coach has made a few bad ones with some of you,
I must say with deep and painful regret.) Yet a master can be self-
disclosing about it. This does NOT mean that one is putting oneself
down. What it means is that one is capable of being objectively self-
observant. And, at least with certain other people, with one's friends,
one's fellow students, for the sake of mutual understanding and
learning, one can be honest about it.
So the "Gold Stars" in this class will not go to those who "scrub up"
their postings so well that nary a trace of ego and personality can be
found in them by the rest of us." The awards in this class go to
people who can say things like: "Ah, here I am being suspicious, I
see." "Ah, here I seem to be a little angry and judgmental." "Ah, here
I am changing the subject, Folks. Ha! Guess I'm being a little
inclined to take control of the class for awhile here." {wide, wide
grin} (I love ya', Suz!) — These will be the "A+ papers" in this
school from now on. It's great to be whoever you are in this class!
And it's great to be observant of it!
The underlying pattern of Dictator behavior is *being in control," This
is a common theme that often comes up in postings that you have been
making all along in Classroom Talk, Suz—speaking, literally, about
"control," I mean. You use that word. You know that! You've commented
again and again about the special importance to you of "being in
control." This is the Can-do Person/Dictator side of you that's talking
when you're thinking like this. Commenting on this, Jeff said:
>Although I notice the possibility of the dictator, what I feel is the strength of the can do. . . . When viewing from a mindful viewpoint, the light of the can do is shining. From most of your posts, the way you state things gives me the feeling of can do/take charge. Your forthright asking for a response here is along that line.
I'll say! Good eye, Jeff.
>It's not so much what we are saying but HOW it is said.
That's it, in a nutshell. It's CERTAINLY a worthwhile gesture to draw
Jeff out about what he's been noticing in this "experimental exercise,"
Suz. And you notice that what he's noticing here is the extremely
powerful way that you go about that. Go back, please, and look again at
the way that you asked Jeff to give you this nice, and helpful response.
Are you not "coming on rather strong," as they say? It's like you've
sent a Battleship to carry your message, when an Indian bark canoe would
do. (That's an awful exageration! But you get what I mean.)
There are a thousand ways to put this sweet message of yours into your
classmate's possession, without manipulating him. He doesn't have to be
pushed, cajoled, called into account for his job performance as
Blackboard Eraser. {grin} (I think I do hear a note or two that your
feathers were a little ruffled, Jeff.) You don't have to get tough with
him about it, Suz. For starters on a thousand different ways this idea
of reaching out peacefully to other people can be expressed, a million
maybe, a student of the awareness game can start out by trying: "I'd
like . . ."
E, bruddah! I like hear from you. I appreciate your perspective on
this. I'd be interested to know what you think. I respect your wisdom,
and I'd like for you to share some more of your experiences and insights
with me. Please, bruddah! Make me wiser here now if you can.
Just the other day, Suz, you were encouraging ninad about the shock of
discovering that we humans go about our lives in "sleep."
>Kinda aggrivating and sometimes scary to feel like we're on auto pilot and not in control at all times.
Great teaching here! And thanks for standing by our newest newcomer
with your strength and courage that way! Yes, it is "scary" to
contemplate being out of control. The emotional feeling of fear is
directly connected with this. Whenever any one of us is afraid, this
fear is associated with not being in control of something. Think of *
anything* that people get scared about, students, and you will always be
able to see that it has to do with something that is out of control.
So whenever we are being "extra controlling" it is a function of a fear
reaction that we are having to something that is going on in our field.
(And, of course, you will find in the wheelbook that, of the eight basic
human emotions—i.e. fear, loneliness, anger, jealousy (rejection),
shame, anxiety, sadness, and guilt—the one that is most associated with
the Can-Do Person/Dictator is . . . fear. Dictators concern themselves
with control, and when they are out of control of something that matters
to them, they experience fear. Do you see how neatly this all goes
together?
Now, if "changing the subject" is a behaviorism that "takes control of
the conversation," and this is in the province of the Dictator who has
fear when things are out of control, what can we surmise about your
changing the subject the other day?
I don't know! But I bet you can find that out with a little mindful
contemplation. A guess that one might make, a blind hypothesis, might
be that after reading through that long and immensely technical class on
"How do I know if I'm asleep or awake," that you felt the lecture I was
giving was "out of control," too technical, perhaps, too "high-brow,"
too advanced, to "gung-ho," maybe anything like these? Maybe it seemed
"too heavy," or "too serious" to you, and you wanted to lighten things
up a bit by changing the subject. That would be sort of "like you" now,
wouldn't it? Or, no?
I don't know, Suz. But you can probably find out by "self-study." What
are the things in life that get you into "controlling mode?" This may
be the second time you tell me I'm mistaken when I've been speaking
about the possible observeable nature of "the Dictator" in your make-up.
Be brave, woman! And study it through, even if your first thought is
that I'm full of hot air.
I've noticed several occasions in the past when you have "taken control"
of the flow of conversation in a possibly similar way by "changing the
subject." Can you reflect back over your postings since you got here
and find any other examples of you changing the subject like this in the
past? Oh, I'd love it if you can do that, Suz. That would be a piece
of real championship work in self-study and "transformation." It's up
to you, Kid. I can set up these "educational opportunities" for you
Kiddees to take a look at and study. But it's up to each of you to do
the work—that is, the work of mindful contemplation of your life.
......................................................
Speaking of being self-observant and self-disclosing, Lydia has jumped
in with a willingness to do that from the start.
>I found myself mostly in your descriptions of Student/believer and Artist/rebel). What are your thoughts on this ?
Yes, there does already seem to be lots of confirmation of those two
types in the things you've said and done here, right from the first word
spoken:
>Thanks
Appreciativeness shows up most in the energized Student. And Believers
are the ones on the wheel who are the most polite (cf. "please,"
"thankyou," etc.) With nothing more than one word, of course, one
doesn't really have enough data yet to jump to any conclusions about a
person's personality make-up.
>I had a conflict with a friend, and ended up not talking to this person
What is the person doing here? She is *rejecting*. No matter who it is
that's doing the rejecting (that is, whatever their personality types),
this phenomenon is in the province of the Artist/Rebel. (We all, with
our different personality profiles, do reject from time to time, so
again, it's too soon to draw any conclusions.)
>it kept coming back to my mind during the day, and when I got on to the Web I did a search on 'con-artist" - and ended up here...
Yes, this has a kind of "magical quality" about it, doesn't it? This
"serenditipity" reminds me right away of the music of the Student/
Believer. What is the person doing here? She is looking for and
finding her path intuitively. — Still, maybe it's a "one-time
miracle," so to speak, so we can't go too far with any conclusions. But
. . .
>I was fascinated with my experience of finding the mindfulness site myself, although I've had such experiences before
Aha. Had these experiences before, have you? Now we are looking at "a
pattern" here. This isn't the first time that Lydia has been fascinated
by a serendipitous discovery that has come along in this "magical" way.
The music of this remark gives a lot more credibility to the hypothesis
that the Student/Believer plays an important part in the composition of
your daily life, Lydia.
>When I ended up in your mindfulness school, I read about all the types immediately.
What is the person doing here? Jumping right to it! Off and running
from the get-go! Student/Believers are quick, full of energy. There is
an excited movement that we can perceive in them in the field, an
obvious enthusiasm. Look at what she says, literally! This is *
certainly* the epitome of the music of the Student/Believer here.
>I was quite fascinated by your descriptions - mainly because I found it so easy to see examples of all of them in my life. My 'con-artist' friend fits the description very well.
Student-Believers are "fans." They appreciate. You are certainly being
a great "cheer-leader" to the ol' Coach in the things you are saying
here! Thanks for the inspiration! (The Student/Believer is one of my
three principal types, too.) Students bring out the best in other
people, especially teachers of all kinds.
>and wasn't quiet about it either [i.e.telling your friend about being a Con Artist]. What really upset me is that in spite of it, my friend did not do (at least to the best of my insight) any self-search and was content to go on with the same behavior, *counting on* getting away with it.
Yes, that's *exactly* the way it was with that old Con Artist friend I
mentioned the other day. I couldn't stand it that he wouldn't even take
a look at his conning patterns. From his standpoint, it "worked." He
felt that conning people was one of the best things he had going for
him! He wouldn't even lay off it with *me*!
I think I get the picture here. This is speculation, of course. But
there may be a kernel of reality in it. Student/Believers are *partial*
to Con Artists. They admire what they know, and are eager to learn from
them. They are "cool." They are neat. Con-Artists are "superstars."
You found this friend quite interesting—or else, why bother with it at
all? In effect, you were telling this person, "I'm very interested in
you, but when I count on you and trust you (all this is Believer music)
and then find that you have conned me once again . . . when you lie to
me, or don't deliver on what you promised, it hurts me very much and
makes me feel anxious." Is this at all like the scenario?
When you come right out and say what your friend might take a look at
(his con-artistry), so that you could be more happy in the friendship,
and your friend simply "rises above it" smugly, and won't even consider
your feelings in the matter . . . . what is the person doing here? Your
friend is rejecting you. And that brings your Artist-Rebel into the
picture.
Rebels not only hate rejection, they anticipate rejection. Rebels
sometimes think they are being rejected when they really aren't being
rejected at all. So Rebels need to be careful about this. It's worth
reflecting on, Lydia. (In this case your friend does seem to be
rejecting the sensitive person who you really are in there). When
Rebels feel rejected . . . they reject back! That's "the Rebel way."
They may reject back hard, in fact! They may reject forever!
Here are a couple of communications you *might*make with that person,
along the lines of playing the awareness game. Please note that I don't
mean to interfere on one side of the issue or the other here. Generally
speaking, the people who become our best friends are the people we can
be most relaxed around. However, I always tell people to follow their
own hearts in choosing their friends. I cannot and do not wish to give
advice on this choice for anyone else. For the fun of it, you might say
something like this to such a person:
"How can I be relaxed around you if I am feeling anxious that you are
lying to me again? I'd like to work with you to build more trust in our
relationship by honestly sharing our experiences with each other about
this. Then we can be relaxed together."
"I'd like to be your friend, but it hurts me when I feel like I'm being
'led on,' or being 'taken advantage of.'"
"I'm most interested in friendships where there is mutual trust. What
are you most interested in?"
There are some other points you bring up that I'd like to comment on:
>I find that most people have two types strongly emphasized.
The third principal type that most of us have may be less obvious than
the first two that we spot. Maybe when we are getting to know other
people we may hide, or hold back on one of our principal types.
(Sometimes, for example, people get married, and then they discover
there is another blatant side to the person they are with that they
never saw before.). It seems to me that I haven't been showing my
Student/Believer side as much, or as obviously in Classroom Talk as my
other types, until the last month or so, when I was being really anxious
about my insecure financial situation at that time. People in our class
have probably had an easier time picking up on my Rebel and my Doormat
than on the manifestations of my Believer. But it's been around. I
could go back through all my postings and find the music of it.
I'm intrigued by your point, though, because I do seem to have an easier
time picking up on two of the types of most of you students in this
class. That's been true, come to think of it, with Jeff, Sally, Doug,
Suz, for instance. Now I'm aware of two types which may be prevalent
with you, Lydia. (I'd still suggest you keep on watching and
experiencing and keeping an open mind in your study of your self before
you draw final conclusions. Have you printed out and used the scorecard
in the wheelbook for any of this work yet? That scorecard can be
laminated, and become quite a sturdy and handy "teaching tool for
mindfulness training," indeed. ;-)
I have to say, however, that my experience over the last twenty years
with the personality and essence wheel has seemed to show me that people
usually have three principal types on the wheel. So I advocate that you
students make efforts to spot three principal types in your self-study
work. I've met people from time to time who apparently have four
principal types.
>Most of the time, people automatically switch from one personality to the other when the first one does not work (its manipulation is not successfull ).
That's exactly right! And because we are usually "asleep," these shifts
within us from one personality type to another usually take place
entirely unnoticed. I've picked up over the years that the sequence in
which one's types are put into play this way is usually counter-
clockwise around the wheel. And this switching from one to another
around the wheel is just for the purpose you describe. Good thinking!
— And by the way {heh-heh}, what is the person doing here? You are
"teaching" here, are you not?
>Also, I observed that people I closely associate with have either the opposite or the same (opposite being much more frequent) types.
Yes, it is observeable that opposites often do attract, and similarities
often do attract, too. One of my theories about the evolution of
personality in humans is that each of us children in a family grow up
either the same as, or the opposite of characteristics in either or both
of our parents (and other "role models," grand-parents, for instance).
This may account for why brother and sisters may turn out to be similar
to some of each other or so different from some of each other.) I know
that in my young life, I tried my utmost to be the opposite of both of
my parents. Maybe that's why I turned out to be such an outrageous
Rebel.
Whatever the truth of how personality evolves in us, we will all see a
lot of "match-ups" with our opposites in the field of the awareness
game. Dictators get matched up with Doormats in some of the antagonisms
that may occur—those who push the hardest, and those who are most easily
pushed. ("Do it!" — "I can't.") Con-Artists get matched up with
Believers (the "hero" saying "Trust me," and the "cheer-leader" saying,
"I believe in you!"). Judges get matched up with Martyrs. ("Why don't
you get your damned act together?" — "Boo-hoo. Can't you be more
caring with me?") Rebels get matched up with Kind Helpers. "You'll go
deaf if you keep playing that music so loud! — "Leave me alone! I
could care less!")
But these obvious match-ups of opposites are not the only match-ups that
occur in everyday life where people may rub each other the wrong way.
If you wish to be prepared for all the contingencies that happen in our
social, working, and home lives, you need to remember that every single
one of the types has difficulties in match-ups with all of the eight
types. Dictators and Dictators match-up sometimes, and have their
characteristic squabbles (who's going to be in control?). Con-Artists
and Dictators can rub each other the wrong way. ("You don't understand
the aristocratic nuances here." — "What are you anyway, some kind of a
smart guy?"), etc., etc. around the wheel. Dictators and Con-Artists
have different reasons for competing so aggressively on the playground.
Dictators want to be in control, and Con-Artists want to be on top. At
different points during nearly any day, each of one's own types matches
up with all eight of the other types in other people as the hours are
ticking by.
And yes, Lydia, there may be a preponderance of certain types in the
people we each hang out with. We may tend to choose it that way,
without even realizing. It's certainly an astute insight of yours that
this is going on. You're off to a great start.
......................................................
P.S. Now . . . wasn't it silly for my ego to hang-up this class for
five days, Kiddees? What's wrong with it? I can't even tell now what
it was I was so bothered about by it. But somehow my ego wasn't
satisfied. It wasn't "good enough." The joke's on me. I've put the
very course of my life on hold because of egotism that doesn't even make
any sense now. So it goes! And in allowing my ego to have hold of me
in this way, I've interrupted the smooth-flowing continuity of Classroom
Talk. Interesting, yeah? Well, we've all got egos and personalities.
It's something to study, and work on. Do you ever see your ego get in
your own way like this?
Coach
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