A student's responsibility Posted by Michael on November 30, 1999 at 10:02:21:
Doug's most recent post made me think of my own responsibility toward
this class and my own work in mindfulness training. As a university
professor, I'm very much aware that teaching and learning are dynamic
processes. It can't happen from just one side of the lectern. We as
students have as much responsibility to the learning process as the
teacher. We've all had our "fall break," so it's "back to the books."
John's reply to my questions was insightful, as I expected. Here's what
I learned from that exchange:
Being mindful, especially in a "personality war," means taking
responsibility for yourself. It means growing up and seeing the reality
that has been there all along. I have been taking great pleasure (if it
can be put that way) in blaming my spouse for our difficulties. I
mentioned in my first post that she feels that blame and resents it as
much as I resent her judgments against me. Coach hit the nail on the
head when he described the physical reactions to anger and resentment.
I feel it in my jaw whenever my buttons get pushed, and my knee-jerk
reaction is to defend myself verbally (but only after days or even
weeks of "stewing.") By the time I'm ready to blow my top, the
infraction that initiates it is comparatively minor, and I have only
created more tension and more distance between us.
I think a lot of this happens because I don't want to be responsible
for how I really FEEL. I want to blame somebody else and "feel" abused.
I'd like to say, "I can't be who I really am because she won't let me."
You know, I'm amazed that it hasn't occurred to me to simply BE who I
am --- right now! If I can maintain the "mindful disengagement" that
John suggests, and simply be myself in the moment, I just might
discover that some of that judgment stuff I've been reacting to is
coming from ME! And I can almost imagine that if I continue to
practice, I might actually get pretty good at this --- possibly even to
the point that things may not be so bad after all. So, I can stay and
it'll be wonderful or I can go and it'll be wonderful, as my Zen
teacher advised. Because I can learn to operate from "center" rather
than from personality and ego, I can be myself with no regret ---and
especially with no guilt should I decide that things will be better if
we split.
About my encounter with the Zen teacher, John's interpretation,
>wake up and *catch on*, and realize the sheer futility of
>judging and punishing as a way of dealing with the situation. :-)
cuts through a lot of crap I've been creating in my "martyr mode."
Whether the other person is at fault really is irrelevant. So, again
I'm beginning to see that I'm free to be me whenever I'm ready. That
freedom is available to me NOW. It just may be that I'll decide to
leave the relationship, but if that happens it won't be because my
martyr blamed her judge. It'll be because the centered, grown up
Michael takes responsibility for his own actions.
Now, I also realize that I'm very good at spitting back what I've been
taught on the essay exam, but that doesn't always mean I've
internalized the subject matter and really understood it. That kind of
deep learning grows on the student long after grades are in and school
is out. But I'm going to give the old "college try" (to continue this
tired metaphor).
As I see it, this class works if the students participate in the
discussion. That way, we can receive feedback from the instructor (in
"the biz" we call it assessment). The teacher doesn't have to give a
test every class for us to find out how we're doing, and sometimes he
has to leave the room for one reason or another. We can continue the
discussion or we can go to sleep.
Thanks, Doug, for getting me off the couch!
- Michael
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