Love at first sight with the "male sexual psychopath" (MSP). Posted by John on December 01, 1999 at 11:00:36:
A woman in New York who visited our Classroom Talk discussions recently
has e-mailed me in the Coach's Office to ask me about concerns she has
about a man in her life.
>I have been a widow for a year now, still beautiful, they say. I have just met the most wonderful man in the world and we fell in love at first sight... We have wild sex that is out of this world, and he is just charming, and so intelligent... But I'm still anxious about it. I know he's crazy about me and admires me, but he sometimes makes me feel terrible when I can't be with him when he wants me to. I do want to be with him as much as I possibly can, but he doesn't seem to understand that I have other obligations too. He's very jealous of my friends, even my Mom... Does mindfulness training have any tips so I can be reassured that he's not a "psycho," and that he's not after me for my money?
I responded:
>Well, is he bankrupt? If your anxiety is actually intuitive, he might be more interested in your credit than the money you already have. I don't know him, so I'll have to start with that as a wild guess. You have to be the one who watches, and finds out. I can't do that from here. Maybe for instance, if he has no credit of his own, he makes a great display of "never touching a penny of your wealth," but wants to talk you into letting him use your credit. (?) That would be an example of the kind of devious cleverness one might see with "psychopathic" behavior. Does this sort of thing ring a bell? — I'll try to give you a fuller answer to your question, but that's going to take a little time. Do you mind if I put it in Classroom Talk next week? This is a subject that students there can find interesting and instructive to study. too. And I can make "a class" out of it.
>Any good man may become "a bit of a psychopath" for awhile when he falls in love with you at first sight, and wants you. But if he's a "real psychopath," that's a different story.
.......................................................
I'd like to talk a little today about the "male sexual psychopath," or
"MSP." This is a phenomenon that both men and women can benefit from
knowing about—men, in case it describes the behavior that they are
seeing in their own self, and women, in case they have fallen in love
with one at first sight.
In using the term "psychopath," I am referring to behavior which can
either be normal and even expected among men at large, or, behavior that
is a true condition of mental illness. Making a determination of which
it is can be helpful in certain situations, like the situation described
above. The term "psychopath" as a mental illness was abandoned in mid-
century by both medicine and psychotherapy after an Alfred Hitchcock
movie called "Psycho" literally scared the whole nation so much that
"psychopath" could no longer be used by the healing professions.
At that time, the term "sociopath" was adopted to replace it, which is a
good term because it implies a wider scope of venues in which this type
of behavior is manifested (in sexual affairs, love affairs, school,
business, entertainment, etc., etc.—in any realm of *society* . . . it
is "society pathology," or illness). Psychopathological behavior shows
up in all walks of society, and not just in the realm of sexuality.
Doctors found this term was scaring their patients away, and
"sociopathic" or "anti-social" became more acceptible in our society as
a "symptom" of trouble in one's life. (Ironically, the apparent mental
illness of the main character that Tony Perkins portrayed in "Psycho"
was not psychopathology at all, but more like schizophrenia.) I'm using
the term here to emphasize the sexual aspects of the syndrome, but not
to ignore the other "anti-social" aspects, as well.
When a male sexual psychopath falls in love with a woman at first sight,
the first thing that goes through his mind is: "I'm not going to make *
any* mistakes! Whatever it takes, I'm not going to let this one get
away! *Nothing* will stand in my way!"
He is very clever and shrewdly alert, and is able to determine by
listening closely from the very beginning exactly what the object of his
ardour wants to hear him say. And he figures out how to say what she
wants to hear in every conversation that he has with her.
He is focused to an almost cunning degree on presenting her with the
image—carefully tailor-made to fit her—that she will be most likely to
be impressed with and find endearing, in every way. He has the
intelligence and powerful motivation to appear at all times to be "Mr.
Perfect" to her. (He may make a few mistakes, but that's what would be
going on most of the time.)
Now, all of this is perfectly "normal," so far. This is the way it is
with most of us men when we fall in love. And when we are "hooked," and
"crazy about her" we will give-in to this pattern, usually with very
little resistance. When falling in love happens, there is nothing we
want as much, no matter what it costs, as to "get the girl."
From the woman's point of view, it can be very practical to be able to
determine if the man she has fallen in love with is only suffering from
a temporary state of male sexual psychopathology, or—which may be quite
dangerous—if the man is in fact a psychopath in his ordinary daily
living. For, many of us men become psychopaths when we fall in love.
We become *momentously selfish*. We want nothing else but to have the
woman we love. And we will "throw everything else away" to succeed in
this. Yet, only a very, very, few of us are actually real psychopaths.
This psychopathic condition is usually a temporary state.
In this class, we are studying human behavior on a diagnostic tool that
breaks down all human behavior into eight distinctive and easily
recognized types. The personality make-up of most people is comprised,
in the main, of any three of these types, working in tandem to get what
we want.
The collective characteristics and behaviorisms of the clinical
psychopath are mostly contained in the *most extreme* behaviors of three
of the types on the wheel: The Con Artist, the Rebel, and the Martyr.
A person can have these three types and do a very mild version of them
that is more or less as "innocuous" as any other combination of three of
the types. But, when it is an extreme version of these three types,
that is what is called the"psychopath." Here we are talking about the
extreme Con Artist, the extreme Rebel, and the extreme Martyr.
In the Con-Artist we find a very, very highly charming person, a person
who can "charm the pants off you," as they say, a "salesman," highly
persuasive, who can lie in a most intelligent way in order to take
advantage of other people, and who relies in life on having an image of
being superior to others. To the Con-Artist, the *image* of their
superiority is *everything* to them! Even if they don't have the
substance, they do everything they can to have the image.
They may want to look and be rich, be regarded as more intelligent than
anyone else, or be famous, or have a more beautiful wife than anyone
else, or else be widely regarded as the greatest "star" in whatever
field they may pursue in seeking the advantages they are after. And
sometimes they are one or another of these. They are the "superstars,"
in image. A lot of Con Artists work as car or real estate sales people,
actors, professors, attorneys, politicians, celebrities, evangelists
sometimes, stock brokers (especially those who apply get-rich-quicker
than the other brokers' methods, such as junk bonds where the gamble is
to make a killing or lose other people's money. They don't really care
when they do that.). That's enough for now to give a little flavor of
this type. (The wheelbook gives the rest of the details.)
The Rebel is ba-a-a-d. The Rebel turns away from the norms of society
to do it his or her own way. They are outrageously different than
others, each in their own way. For a woman who is falling in love at
first sight, being BAD, in a man, is *sexy*. Don't forget, it isn't
the good guy who gets the girls, it's the bad guy. Yes, often it's the
loveable bad guy, like Fonzi in that old TV series "Happy Days," or the
character James Bond is a good example of this. The bad guy is the
sexiest. And a lot of women do fall for that, of course.
Remember in high school? All the boys were trying to look bad, and the
ones that didn't look at least a little bad were "the nerds." It was
the Beat Generation that seems to have caught on, in recent times, to
being bad on purpose, and then, of course, the Hippies. Certain boys
started becoming artists, rock musicians, getting high, making out with
a lot of women and being very relaxed about it. It was cool. And ever
since, the bad guys still wear outrageous clothes to school, and do
outrageous and forbidden things . . . . and many other boys look on in
despair wondering what all the girls seem to see in them. But the girls
know, and they go for it, hook, line, and sinker.
The most important thing in a Rebel's life is getting to be free and not
having to conform to the rules of society. (This is, obviously, the
"antisocial" note in the Rebel personality type.) They bring about
their own isolation from society. And this is where powerful jealousies
may come into the picture, too. They are unlikely to tolerate any other
men being friends with or close to the woman they are crazy about.
Sometimes they may not be able to tolerate her women friends either, or
her "Mom."
It is the Martyr that completes the picture of the male sexual
psychopath—smart, sexy . . . and sensual. The Martyr is the realm of
our human sensuality, and most of us have this sensuality in us. The
Martyr is just a type of person who turns this sensuality into the
single most important thing in his or her life. They "go crazy" over
it. More than most people of other types, Martyrs often go around
hungering for touching and being touched. Above all, they give good
strokes and are passionate lovers. (We should all learn this from
them.) And thank God for 'em. Without this type, I do not believe the
human race would have proliferated . . . and perhaps most of us wouldn't
be here now. They are always looking for love. But they are as if "sex
crazy." This is where the "crazy about" element comes into the picture.
Crazy for love. lt can happen to all or any of us. It will take us by
surprise, and *overwhelm* us when it occurs!
As I intimated earlier, you women needn't be put off by it, if the man
you have just fallen in love with is behaving in these three ways. It's
just what happens to us guys when we fall in love at first sight. We
suddenly "get smart" and become very careful not to make any mistakes if
we can help it. We become (in spite of ourselves) BA-A-A-D. We can't
help it. We have to struggle to keep our hands off you. We're going
crazy inside to hold you in our arms again and see you naked. And when
it's reciprocal, this is the most tempting thing in the world to not be
struggling against, after all. When it is happening, it seems like the
whole rest of the world and all of human history is not as important as
giving in immediately to this exotic, exquisite, intoxicating,
pleasureful, orgasmic experience of being in love together.
"Let me pleasure you first, darling!" — "No, let me pleasure *you*
first, my precious!" There's nothing else quite as good as this, is
there, Kiddees? Do you know of anything else that's better than falling
madly in love and being in love?
Now, sometimes in life, a guy is experiencing this whole MSP syndrome,
being "crazy about her," and the woman, let's say, isn't ready for him
yet. She may have things she has to complete with first. Or she may
even be rejecting him. " I like you, but I don't feel that way about
you." (And certainly, I would say, she ought to stick to her guns on
that!) Or she may have fallen in love with him, too, yet something
tells her, perhaps, that she needs a little more time "to be sure."
If that's the case, it's good to use this time to find out if possible,
if this is just a case of temporary MSP that is making the guy act that
way, in which case, it might very well work out for you both (only time
will tell) . . . . . or if he really is a psychopath, not temporarily,
but over the course of his life . . . because, if so, there can be a
very real danger of being taken advantage of. A *real* psychopath can
take you to the cleaners, and you won't even know what hit you if you
haven't been watching out.
For instance, even a given man who is absolutely crazy about a woman,
worships the ground she walks on, and finds her the most desireable
creature he has ever set eyes on in his whole life, even with all that,
a certain very few men can be in it, *just as much*, to get their hands
on her money. The true psychopath wants his hands on both her *and* her
money. He wants everything that is hers to be his. The former
(worshiping her) comes from his Martyr, and the latter (taking advantage
of her) from his Con-Artist. Both can go on at the same time,
separately, in tandem.
And a real psychopath will "seal her away from other people," especially
any people who have been advising her or giving her support, and have no
scruples whatsoever about behaving in ways that are outside the pale of
ordinary social behavior in achieving this isolating her from others. A
psychopath won't be able to stand it that anybody else is advising his
beloved (like her therapist, best friend, Mom, minister, etc., etc.).
He wants to be the only one who gets to influence her. "What do you
need a therapist (friend, priest, etc.) for, my darling? You can tell
all that stuff to me!"
Now don't worry, ladies, because true psychopaths are very few and far
between in the population. Luckily, with mindfulness and a little
careful studying, they can be recognized and seen. But don't forget,
please, that that guy you've fallen in love with may have turned into a
MSP only temporarily, and show all of these same symptoms, as well.
It's what happens to us guys when we go crazy for you. He may want to
grasp you and your whole life and have you and it all to himself. For
those who are afflicted with this syndrome, they can't help it. They
don't know what's going on in them that well. All they know is that
they are crazy about you. And they are *spinning*! And that this is
"the greatest break" that has ever happened to them in their whole life.
Yet, there are a number of things to watch out for here. For instance,
has he "been in serious trouble," and tells you that *you* are "the only
answer to his problems? He "can't make it without you." — I can't
cover every possibility in one class, so I'll try to give you a "generic
portrait" of the psychopathic personality that you can extrapolate from
to other situations and circumstances.
Let's say you have a few hundred thousand put away, for the sake of
dramatizing this story, or more, how about a million? And the guy you
have fallen in love with comes up with a way that he would like to put a
few hundred thousand of your dollars to his own uses. Let's say what
he'd like to do with it is, hypothetically, invest it in junk bonds so
he can become rich quickly and "appear rich and worthy in your dear,
sweet eyes." That's "sweet of him," isn't it? You can't really blame
him, so far. He's doing it "for both of you."
If it's a psychopath, he will figure out a whole false story to tell
you, a story that will make it impossible, or nearly impossible, for you
to refuse. It will be a "guilt-trip." Martyrs do that. He will need
it for an operation that will save his leg, or better yet, prolong his
life. (He will have to go to Mexico City for it, so you won't be there
to see if the operation actually occurs.)
If you seem to hesitate going into your accounts (or credit) to get the
money for him, he will be right there with the Martyr's famous
manipulation: "How could you do this to me?" (It's a Martyr "guilt-
trip.") "How can you say you love me and not give me the money to save
my leg (or, my very life)?" (. . . or "save my business," etc. etc.,
etc.) (He suggests you should feel guilty if you don't do what anyone
who really loves him would naturally do. — And you have no way to know
that it's all a lie!) His Con-Artist might slip in here, with: "You
know that all my money is tied up in investments and I don't have any
liquid funds at this time." It will be impossible to refuse, without
seeming to break off the relationship with the man that you adore.
(Either he will make a killing in the Market, or else the money will be
"spent on the operation," so that's a good story that will work. And
there are many other false stories like it, of course, that can achieve
the same ends.)
Let's say he tells you: "Remember how we talked about getting a house
together on Malibu Beach, darling, that first night we made love?" I
just heard through the insiders' network that there's a million dollar
house at Malibu that can be had right now for a third of what it's worth
( a good con always tells you that you're going to get a huge and *
undeserved* advantage out of it) because the owner of the house is
desperate for immediate capital to invest in some even bigger killing of
his own." . . . "All it takes is us coming up with three-hundred-thou,
and the house on the beach that we dreamed of is OURS, honey! Can't you
figure out some way to come up with that out of your money, sweetheart?
You know my money is all tied up, etc., etc. This will be a real
killing for us. lmagine, a million dollar house! There are movie stars
living on both sides! Can't you just see us living there together?"
That's all Con Artist stuff, of course.
And the Con Artist may make promises with no intention of keeping them:
"I'll be able to pay you back when the ABC Corporation deal comes
through for me. That can't take more than two or three more weeks, but
this house deal is only open for five more days! We've got to make up
our minds right now what we're going to do! Someone else might grab it
before we do! I'll pay you back. I promise!"
"Show me you really love me." "Prove you really care." "I need to know
that you really love me." . . . . "And *this* is how you can prove that
you do." The Martyr's extreme need to be loved in return can team-up in
certain men with the psychopath's shrewd extreme Con Artist to produce a
scam this way—and, get this!—this can happen *without his even knowing
what he is doing*. He's asleep. He doesn't know that he's got "a
personality." All his attention is focused on you, and he doesn't see
his own self. Mindfulness students can understand what I'm getting at
here.
In this case, if the money is lost in his "junk bond gamble," the
psychopath will have another story to explain away not getting "the
house" for it. "I still can't believe that my best friend, my best
friend for twenty years, would cheat me like this and set me up for a
fall like this! It's his fault we lost our money, honey. Can you
believe it? I should have known." . . . . . "I promise I'll make it up
to you."
Does he deliver what he promises? Or does he give you another promise
instead? "I'll pay you back" turns into "I'll make it up to you." This
is a good thing to watch for. Does he keep his word? When he promises,
do you *always* get what he says? That's what "a promise" is supposed
to be about. Or do you only get what he promises some of the time. He
may be leading you on. If you're hanging out with "the guy who doesn't
keep his word," it's a definite danger sign. And Con Artists are smart,
so they deliver the goods a few times, *for show*, to cultivate your
"confidence!" That's what a "confidence man" *does*, by definition!
Man or woman, if you hook up with "the person who doesn't keep their
word," there's probably going to be pain on down the road.
If it's a case of temporary MSP, then your lover will get over it.
After the first period of total craziness for you both, he will get over
trying to make you his own property-and-profit for the enhancement of
his image, as well as "the perfect answer" to his hunger for your body.
And he'll go back to being his usual three types on the wheel, whatever
three they are. (And the original sexual passion and the great pillow-
talk and companionship can continue and improve even, over the years!)
But most men who fall in love with a woman are going to try in the
beginning to be smart enough to do whatever it takes to catch her, sexy
enough for her to be attracted to them (which means "Ba-a-a-d"), and
sensual enough to thrill you and pleasure you no end when he gets his
hands on you.
Can you blame us guys for tryin' if we're crazy in love with you? But
most of us can't keep this up forever. Things go back to "normal" after
the honeymoon. Our other regular principle personality types carry on,
and love and passion can go on and on, too. But if he's really a
psychopath then he has a lifelong agenda (Con-Artist, Rebel, Martyr)
that may include fooling you and taking advantage of you, drawing you
into his antisocial behavior, and making you addicted to him sexually.
That isn't really necessary for a happy and loving relationship or
marriage. The next chance that would come along for love, even if you
have to wait another year or more for it, might probably be a better
chance than *that*. But "love *is* "blind." And those who are in love
are usually unable to hear warnings of any kind. Perhaps this is what
makes the common human phenomenon of falling in love so touching and
poignant to the elders of the community when they see it happening with
young people.
The temporary MSP sufferer is not happy with himself in that state. He
struggles against his craziness. "I've got to get hold of myself. I've
got to be a real man and become less self-centered. I can't go on
needing so much all the time this way." He knows that he wants to take
advantage of you in every possible way—he can't seem to help it; his
selfish thoughts run on and on, and yet he struggles against this
selfishness. Somehow he knows he has to look at the world in a new way
now that he's found you, a way that conforms to the specialness of the
occasion, and the dignity and honor that is called for—a way that really
takes who you are into as much or even more consideration than the way
that he has always been. The BAD guy that gets the girl has to become
the GOOD guy now to keep her—that is, if the relationship is going to
work for very long, before she starts thinking of leaving him.
Ultimately, if you look close, it's nearly always the woman who makes a
relationship start, or end. There are some exceptions. Until she
"picks him," it isn't happening. Until she says "You're my guy," it
isn't on, no matter how much he adores her. (And if she reaches a point
where she can't pick him any more, then the end is sooner or later going
to come.)
The man's part in this is standing by her. The woman picks the man, and
the man stands by her. That's the "human mating dance." As long as
both her picking him and his standing by her continue to go on they are
happy together. (And if he stops standing by her, then the end is
sooner or later going to come. She'll make that decision, most likely.)
Maybe he even read somewhere that "Love is caring so much for the other
person that one takes the sometimes painful experience of supporting the
loved one in being who they really are." It was the existentialist
philosopher Martin Buber who said that. It is something to think about
for MSP sufferers who would like to transcend that view that the whole
world exists only for them—perhaps being touched so deeply by the love
of this woman they have been lucky enough to have found, they are
inspired to open to a kind of sharing that they weren't capable of
before.
If a woman falls in love with a real psychopath, she is going to be
conned, misled about him, taken advantage of, and lied to, eventually
treated outrageously in a dangerously anti-social fashion, and finally
wasted sexually until she has no more left to give to him and is all
dried up. On the other hand, if it's only temporary normal MSP, they
may receive all the blessings that falling in love with each other had
seemed to promise them both in the beginning.
So a woman might have a very difficult job in determining whether what
she is seeing is just temporary male sexual psychopathology, normal in
so many of us, perhaps in most men, a frenetic, compulsive mode to "get
the girl," or whether it is a permanent habitual syndrome that can be
dangerous in so many ways. Only by being very patient, week after
week, and by being very watchful and observant—very objective in spite
of her own being crazy in love—if that is possible—can a woman who has
fallen in love and wound up with an actual psychopath find that out
before it is too late. This is probably why "long engagements" once
became a custom in much of human society.
Make no mistake. If he's a real psychopath, you're going to get burned,
and he isn't even going to have known that he was going to do that to
you. If he's a real psychopath, he will go after your money, and he
will take you to places you've never been to before, and he will jump
your bones eagerly and . . . (Douglas, I'm going to make an exception
here for art's sake) . . . you will fuck each other's brains out . . .
until there's nobody left in the entire world except the two of you
together, and the Universe.
If it's only temporary normal MSP, he'll *never* go for the money, even
if you offer to put it right into his hands. And you will still get all
the rest of that good stuff, as long as you both go on nourishing your
relationship. If he goes on standing by you, and you go on picking him,
you've got it made. Otherwise, there's always the next time.
Coach
......................................................
cf. Bill Clinton, from the facts commonly known about him, as a charming
example of this syndrome.
cf. Ted Bundy, the famously charming serial killer, as the very rare
utmost extreme of clinical psychopathology.
Continue with Winter 1999/2000 Classroom Talk or
Post a new discussion in the current Classroom Talk
Archived February 13, 2000