I apologize for this piece—far too outrageous and insensitive! Posted by John on December 03, 1999 at 21:12:31:
In Reply to: Love at first sight with the "male sexual psychopath" (MSP). posted by John on December 01, 1999 at 11:00:36:
I apologize for this piece, Folks. This was far too outrageous, far too
insensitive! I almost can't believe I did it myself. In fact, this MSP
"class" was, itself, a good example of the very psychopathy I was
illustrating! Wow! I'd like to explain a few things, however. First,
the lady did give permission to reprint her letter anonymously. Second,
she did write back, referring to the new man in her life:
>He's really not that bad, John. But you DID answer my questions! I really don't think I'll be fooled by any psychopaths I might run into for the rest of my life. But I guess I was fooled by you.
Oweee! Me make ass (as the Hawaiians say)!!! I apologize to all of you
for polluting the classroom space this way. What came over me?
And that's not all. I found the lady's perceptive and acerbic response
when I came home this afternoon, after insulting an elderly lady in
public in the supermarket, not an hour before that. Oh, my! It was
after that happened that it dawned on me how unaware I've been being
lately. And how cruel I've been being. How could I have been being
such a jerk? It's one of those times when I'm twisting in the wind with
embarrassment and chagrin about my self. I don't think I've been
mindful all day today, until now.
I'd also like to say that when I spoke of this piece as potentially
"instructive" to members of the class, I didn't mean that any of you
were at all like the "MSP" syndrome that I described, or, for that
matter, at all likely to be able to use this information in any
practical way vis-a-vis anyone you are ever likely to know during your
lives. I was off on a rampant ego trip, thinking and believing that you
all would find this piece "highly entertaining." But, at whose
expense???
I guess, for one thing, it went to my head to see there have been so
many visits in Classroom Talk when Brent put the new counter in. I was
*showing off* to the crowd! This is the most excessive bad behavior
that I think I've ever done around here. Oweee! I do apologize to
everybody, and especially to you, dear lady, and to the innocent man
that you have been lucky enough to have found. I apologize to him, too.
I hope you are happy together. I hope he never has to look at what I
wrote! I think I must have been jealous. Yes, that must be it! And
I've been feeling martyred today. I've cried twice today, in fact
(sadness is the Martyr's negative emotion). So there you have it: Con
Artist acting superior to other people without a conscience, Rebel
jealousy and outrageously bad behavior, and the Martyr, not feeling
loved. That's the psychopath all right! What a bad show! I almost
can't bear to look at my self.
But I must! If my coaching of this class is to go on, I have to face
what I've done, and admit it. I can't see "shining it on," and
pretending it didn't happen. I see nobody else has been posting
anything since then, and that seems to be a unanimous rebuke. The
silence is deafening.
So what's behind this unseemly fiasco? I'm not exactly sure yet. But
I see I've left a trail of misbehaviors behind me everywhere I've been,
just today alone. I've been "out of control," going too far. And I
haven't been being mindful at all! I had a very important appointment
today around noon. It was a meeting with someone from way back that is
dear to my heart. My mechanic was supposed to get my car back to me
last night so I could get there, and when he didn't show up I couldn't
get hold of him. I didn't sleep a wink last night, and haven't been to
bed yet since. This morning I reached him at dawn, and he said that
he'd be right over. The bill was $350. I squawked. He said he had
been looking everywhere for the parts. It was the *first time* I'd ever
had a bad face over his bills in all these years. I could see that his
feelings were hurt, but I was insensitive. He always undercharges me,
in fact, and I always add in an extra twenty, because I know that. I
saw that I'd offended him. He asked me to bring the car over to his
place early tomorrow morning so he could put some finishing touches on
the job. I acted like that was putting me to a lot of trouble. Wow!
I've got the only mechanic in town, perhaps in the State, that will
drive to my place to pick up and deliver my car. Sometimes he works on
it here, and doesn't even charge me for what he does. I don't know how
much damage I may have done to this friendship.
I got lost on the way to that appointment, and went driving in five
different directions trying to find my way. When I finally stopped at a
pay phone, the slot was jammed and I couldn't get my money in. When I
found another pay phone, the person wasn't picking up and I got an
answering machine. I couldn't leave a number to call me back because I
was driving around without a phone. What a daytime nightmare! Finally,
I stumbled onto the right street by accident. And when I went in, half-
an-hour late, the person was still tied up with a previous appointment,
and didn't even know I hadn't gotten there. And even though I was
treated quite professionally, even given four hours of their time, I
somehow didn't feel loved. The person did everything they could for me,
and I was feeling rejected. What a strange day. I cried as I drove
away from there later. I felt crazy.
It was then that I went to the supermarket. I was jittery from lack of
sleep and exhaustion, but I decided to get a lot of shopping done
anyway. There was an elderly woman there. She had lots of spunk. She
was ordering around the two younger women that were helping her shop.
She was bossy; there was no doubt about it. I felt that she was
throwing her weight around in an obnoxious way. Her voice was too loud
for in public as she ordered her helpers to do this and do that. Other
people turned and looked at her with surprise. I heard her several
times from an aisle away, and knew her voice by that time. It was
rubbing me the wrong way every time. At one point they passed me in an
aisle, and the end of her cane, which was sticking out the side of their
shopping basket, whacked me a hard one in the middle of my back as they
were going by. I apologized, and then wondered what did *I* apologize
for? She was old, but she seemed agile enough. She had a twinkle in
her eye as if she enjoyed getting to be such a tyrant. Perhaps she was
in her late seventies, maybe early eighties. I had no sympathy for her.
I was cold, and arrogant.
Fifteen minutes later, of all things, she and her helpers wound up right
behind me in the same check-out line. She caught my eye, and she asked
me if I was in a hurry, because she was, she said. And she wanted me to
let her move their shopping cart ahead of mine in the line. Oh, boy.
You guys aren't gonna believe what I did then.
I said: "I imagine that you get your way with people all the time. But
you're not going to get away with that this time." And I stood my place
in line with a cold, hard heart, and turned my back on her. Oh,
brother; this is awful! I was so insensitive I didn't even look to see
if her feelings were hurt by what I said. (Sort of like that MSP piece,
in fact.) I felt sort of smug about what I'd said, with righteous
indignation. It was clever. I'd "put her in her place, alright!" I
was sound asleep, of course. Where was my awareness today? Nobody
could have mistaken me for "a gentleman," that's for sure. Where has my
awareness been these days???
Now an amazing thing happened then. One of the young women who was
helping this lady, moved on ahead of me and began bagging my groceries
as they were being checked out, ostensibly helping the clerk to speed
things along. I thanked her, sheepishly, when she was done with that.
As I went out of the store I realized for the first time that I had been
an absolute jerk. I knew there was absolutely no justification for
talking to the old woman that way. What difference did it make if she
was bossy? I didn't have to be that way. I was squirming already then,
and continued to twist in the wind ever since then, right up to now.
Have you ever been in a situation where you realized you had done a
really horrible thing, and you knew there was nothing you could do to
take it back again? You know it really happened, and you can't stand to
look at yourself. That's such an agonizing feeling. It's like there's
nothing you will ever be able to do to redeem yourself. Back home,
finally, as I started putting my groceries away, I discovered that
several expensive items were . . . missing! I looked at the register
slip, and sure enough they'd been charged. I could see the lady's young
helper bagging my groceries in my memory. That's when I cried the
second time today, because I *knew* that I had it coming.
I turned on my computer and checked my e-mail, just to be done with it.
That's when I got my comeupance from New York for the psychopath piece.
"But I guess I was fooled by you, Mr. John Bilby." Bam! Bam! It was
like two telling punches at the end of a long day's fight. How did I do
all this to my self? How could I be such an idiot? How did I bring
this all down on myself? What manner of pride and arrogance had gone
before this fall? It was a bad, bad day . . . but not because of the
other people It was a bad, bad day because of *me*! How long had this
been going on???
Perhaps I should go back and delete the MSP posting, just to clear the
air . . . but the damage is already done. And the only reason for
pulling it off the Bulletin Board would be to hide my own shame. I
don't think it would be honest to remove it for that purpose. A couple
of other times when I've made a fool of myself with unseemly postings on
entirely different subjects over the last two years, I wanted so much to
erase them afterwards when I caught on belatedly to what I had done.
But I left them anyway, because to do otherwise would only seem to
compound the wrong of it.
I'd like to reiterate that I don't copy people's private e-mails in the
Coach's Office into Classroom Talk without getting permission. But even
getting permission in this case was no preparation to the person for the
insensitive piece that was to follow.
I've got to get to bed. I feel like I haven't slept for a week. I've
got to get up early and get to my mechanic's place before I head out to
the country for the weekend of work out there. I hope he'll forgive me
for making a bad face. I don't know if any of you can understand where
I'm at right now. This all seems pretty ugly. I expect it must be
painful to read. And you must know that it's painful to write.
From this perspective, I don't know if any of you will forgive me and
even be here when I get back next Monday. (So much for the big numbers
on the new hit counter, eh?) Well, that's a projection: that you
guys won't be here. I don't know what will happen; that's the truth.
I've got a lot of processing ahead of me. Loneliness. Jealousy.
Anger. And, sadness and grief. Some days are so much harder than
others, it seems. Some whole weeks are bad. And just when I had *so
much* to be grateful for! That conversation seems so long ago, and it
was just the other day.
Life takes such sudden turns! In a few days of ego and acting-out,
everything can be turned upside down. All I can do is ask you to accept
my apologies, and do my best to pull myself together, and get my
mindfulness back on, and start over.
John
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