Yeah, yer gettin' the picture here of how it works! Posted by John on December 09, 1999 at 16:00:09:
In Reply to: A student's responsibility posted by Michael on November 30, 1999 at 10:02:21:
I like seeing the inspiration that Doug was to you, Michael, and your
posting that day:
>Being mindful, especially in a "personality war," means taking responsibility for yourself. It means growing up and seeing the reality that has been there all along. I have been taking great pleasure (if it can be put that way) in blaming my spouse for our difficulties. . . . she feels that blame and resents it as much as I resent her judgments against me.
You got it!
>Coach hit the nail on the head when he described the physical reactions to anger . . . I feel it in my jaw whenever my buttons get pushed, and my knee-jerk reaction is to defend myself verbally
Yes, exactly. Except, heh-heh, what you are feeling there isn't your
"reactions to anger." Those sensations you feel in your jaw *are the
anger, itself*. That which you sense, tangibly, *is* the anger, not any
words we might have for it. (There's "talking about anger
intellectually," and there's the actual mindful *feeling* of the
sensations of it.) Good to see you paying awake attention to your
emotional feeling here! Awarely feeling the sensations of the emotional
feeling in your body is first, a way to know what your emotional feeling
*really is* (because you can learn to recognize the different emotions
from the tangible feelings of them in your body—here you are becoming
familiar with the feeling of anger) . . . . . and second, remaining
perceptively awake to the sensations of this feeling for a little while
is an actual *healing treatment* in awareness that enables your body to
start relaxing that uptightness again, and letting it go! You don't
have to "throw it." Just being aware of it that way, enables the body
itself to let it go. Just feel what's obviously perceptible to you, the
way it is! Avoiding it isn't the way to make negative feelings go away.
*Feeling it* is the way! — Good work here, Michael! You're seeing the
way this all fits together very well.
Yes, recognizing that you want to put the pain on other people, to blame
somebody else, and "feel abused" by them, is an important step in
becoming freed up from doing this to yourself. You have to *really see*
it first, before you can learn to "step aside from it." You have to
realize that none of that really matters. What matters is the clear
decisions you make in acting skillfully with the situation. That is
what will make a difference in the way it all comes out!
>And I can almost imagine that if I continue to practice, I might actually get pretty good at this — possibly even to the point that things may not be so bad after all.
This is my favorite remark in this posting, Michael. That's the way it
has to be for students when they are starting out. They have to be
able, from the practicing they are doing, to start getting a sense that
"I might actually get pretty good at this." People do, my friend.
People do. But then, like me in the supermarket the other day,
sometimes after they've learned to be "good at being awake," something
can happen and they walk around asleep for awhile anyway. The only
thing one can do to get "the upper edge" with mindfulness is to
practice. This is as true for the teachers and coaches as it is for the
students in their schools.
>It just may be that I'll decide to leave the relationship, but if that happens it won't be because my martyr blamed her judge.
Yeah, this could have been my favorite here, too. I'll give you a few
Gold Stars for that one, my man! What you said there is the best that
any of us can hope for in such a situation as yours. You remember how
skeptical I seemed about your relationship from the beginning, perhaps
unfairly so. But I've changed my mind, anyhow. Because of what you are
doing now, there is a *possibility* that this relationship can be
healed.
If you honestly care about her, Michael, *be sweet* to her, man! Any
way that you *honestly* can, be sweet to her! That's what it's all
about. And maybe she'll catch on and start being sweet again to you.
When you are being sweet to her, you are *standing by her*. And when
you are standing by her, that's the *one thing* that *might* inspire her
to start picking you again.
Keep giving your "old college try!" I'd like to cheer you on! I think
yer doin' great!
Next thread . . . . . Suz!
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