My latest dilemma Posted by Michael on December 13, 1999 at 09:04:31:
Hello all,
Sorry for my absence lately. We're in the middle of final exams and
things are a little hectic. Thanks so much for the support, Coach!
Sometimes I feel like I'm going one step forward and two steps back. My
Zen teacher has said, "Don't start spiritual practice until you can't
help yourself." My marital problems led me to seek this mindfulness
practice, no question about it. It has already changed my life, and for
that I am grateful. In Zen, they speak of the "Happy Blessed
Opportunity." I think of my troubled marriage as that opportunity to
observe suffering in awareness so I can "let it go" as John said in
reference to anger. I am getting better at this, but I am also seeing
so much of my wife's conditioning. I describe her as "terminally
judgmental." Realizing that I've just made a judgmental statement
myself, I'd like to relate a recent exchange:
Our 7 year old recently wrote about our Thanksgiving in a school paper.
She wrote, "My Daddy got a turkey and we had to eat turkey for 3 days."
Her teacher sent it home because she thought it was so cute. My wife
said, "I think it is just so stupid that you have to have a turkey with
all the trimmings. I stopped eating it after two days." As she was
saying this, I was making coffee in the kitchen. She continued, "Do you
realize how much coffee you drink? You drink too much coffee and you
make it too strong! My Mama taught me to drink water, milk, or juice."
I just looked at her and sighed. I know the Coach has advised me to let
her know when something she says hurts, but I didn't feel like "getting
into it" with her. I just sighed and tried to observe. Now folks, I
live with this stuff day in and day out. Nothing drives me to the
meditation cushion like this incessant judging. While it helps to work
on being mindful and to realize that this could be my "Happy Blessed
Opportunity," sometimes I just want to be free of it. Like I said, one
step forward, two steps back.
So here is my dilemma. Several years ago my wife lost her wedding band.
We searched the house and combed through vacuum cleaner bags looking
for it, but it never turned up. Last week she told me she wanted a new
wedding band for Christmas. I just don't think I can bring myself to
give this gift. My heart isn't in it. I don't even *like* this person
(how's that for mindfulness?). To give her this gift would be a lie.
But I live this lie every day. Every time I sigh when I should say,
"That hurts" I lie.
I sometimes wonder what someone like Thich Nhat Hanh would do if he had
the opportunity to live with my wife.
Still working on it,
Michael
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