Sometimes, a student's troubles take precedence in my schedule here. Posted by John on December 14, 1999 at 04:11:12:
In Reply to: My latest dilemma posted by Michael on December 13, 1999 at 09:04:31:
Here it is, the middle of the night, and suddenly my whole mind and body
are filled with an energy to be sharing with you students again! It's
as if the whole purpose of my body being here on this earth is to flow
along with this energy.
Why was this energy not in me an hour ago, we might ask? Why not early
Monday morning when I got up and took out the garbage? But I came back
in, sick as a dawg with the first cold I remember having in 1999, only
to go back to sleep for another ten hours, miserable. There was no
energy at all in me then, except to hybernate.
Well then, why not after that, after a warm supper, feelin' a little
better, and lo and behold, I was back into high-power house-cleaning
again, hours of it. The transformation of this house from sheer utter
utility (as mere space for many, many piles of things) into an
environment of beauty for living in is going to be quite a remarkable
thing when it's through. It's really quite beautiful, this experience,
of seeing the place slowly, slowly coming around. Some of you know that
pleasure that comes from seeing jobs like this being done.
And I'm reliving the long history of my living in this house as I go
along—most interesting, sifting through *everything* that's been
collecting here over the years, and throwing away hundreds and thousands
of small and tiny things, never going to be used or needed for anything
anyway. I just threw out most of the papers in one box, but saved the
computer drawings my son did when he was a young lad, and a newspaper
clipping years ago with a photo of me when I was a counselor at a
homeless shelter here for awhile. In with his drawings of inventions of
things, that clipping seemed to reveal a day when my son felt proud of
me, way back then. It's a nice movie I'm watching as I'm going through
all this stuff. And it's wonderful to be clearing most of it out. It's
like a "house-cleaning of the soul" for me, somehow.
I guess we could say, Jeff, that I'm *preparing for the year 2000. I'm
getting my life in better shape. I guess it's okay to use a date as a
target, or a goal. And, although it's rather unlike me (more a
characteristic of you practical and sensible Player/Judges) I'm setting
more goals for the New Year than I'd usually do. And I'm trying to come
up with a good set of goals for our school here, by golly. Doug and
Perk have got me off thinkin' 'bout that.
I'd like to actually figure out how to make this classroom a better
place, where the process of coaching and learning can take place as
easily and clearly as possible for you students who hang around here.
It's occurred to me that it might be helpful to you students if there
were some way that we could make the flow of things that happen around
here more *predictable for all of you.
That comes to light for me when I look over the situation I'm sitting
with right now. My schedule calls for responding next to Suz. I'm
delighted to see so much more mention of the emotional feelings emerging
in our classes lately, Kiddees. And Suz now has brought a wonderful
sharing among us in which we can all, at the same time, come to have a
very clear understanding of what the negative emotional feeling of
guilt, first, *is, and what kind of observeable behavior goes on when a
person is experiencing guilt.
[Incidentally, as you may notice, I've found that I can use just one
asterisk for vocal emphasis in a sentence, the way I do that. And the
second, or "closing asterisk," isn't really necessary for the vocal
emphasis I am intending.]
Next, I've got quite a lot to say in response to Lydia's last posting,
both in regard to her experience that it is "two of the personality
types" that create the "battle" within us. I appreciate that you *have
been doing a lot of homework, Lydia! And it sounds like you are coming
from your experience here. And your comments about the "psychopath
episode" are quite fascinating and illuminating, too.
Then, according to plan, I'll be making a brief response to you, Ninad.
I think I'll handle that right now, in fact! I don't know quite what to
say to you, Ninad. I'm *glad to have you around. I like your upbeat *
enthusiasm. Yet I don't always know if I understand what you are
saying. It seems to me that you and I need to figure out a way to team-
up on finding a way to be really clear in understanding each other, as
well as we can. Any ideas? I've had an idea that I might be able to
understand you better if I knew what your mother language is. However,
if that's something you'd rather keep private, that's okay, of course.
I think there are some students here in class that catch on to you
better than I do, intuitively, so to speak. Any comments on this,
anybody?
But, not withstanding my schedule, which calls for responding to Suz and
then Lydia, here comes Michael again with "My latest dilemma."
>one step forward, and two steps back.
Well, despite my own "agenda," I guess it's appropriate, in the here and
now, to respond first to you, Michael. The good class on guilt can wait
awhile, and the interesting conversation with you, Lydia, doesn't have
to take place immediately. But—at least as Michael seems to be sounding
here about it—there is more of "a charge" here, so to speak. It sounds
like Michael's "in trouble."
Lydia doesn't sound like she's in any trouble, right? She's poised and
right into what she's doin', as far as I know. Suz, despite all the
evidence of guilt coming into the picture, that can pass if you will *
face it, mindfully. And, I heartily support your decision to go ahead
with your plans to enjoy the holidays with hubby at that wonderful
resort you know of, where you *do deserve the pleasures that are
promised at their tables, and in their baths!
Your friends who are missing out this time will have to get their acts
together *next time if they want to enjoy your hospitality. You aren't
responsible for *that! It's up to them to get themselves to your
parties. And if they, for whatever reasons or failings, don't make it .
. . . . the Hawaiians have a saying for that kind of situation: "More
for me!!!" they say. [wide grin} Go for the hot springs, you guys!
You deserve it! More for you!!! this holiday season!
Okay, Michael:
>I think of my troubled marriage as that opportunity to observe suffering in awareness so I can "let it go" as John said in reference to anger.
Yes, and the Buddha has much to say on this, as well, of course. But
letting go of your suffering is one of "a set of opportunities" that lie
at hand, you could say. And one of the opportunities in the field is
the opportunity for peace and harmony in your life. In the beginning,
one cannot say in what way peace and harmony can occur. One can only
seek to find it, that is, to discover it. When this way is found, it
might involve things that you have never thought about before, or
wanted, or been after in the past. It might be a sheer surprise. And
it can't be said beforehand if it would be found through the two of you
staying together, or being separated and apart.
The other day, I could be righteously optimistic when I heard you say
that if you did decide to split, it wasn't gonna be because of your
Martyr reacting to her Judge. I said that was the best a person could
hope for in your situation. But already {heh-heh} you are seeing that
it's easier said than done. Knowing truth is easier than being truth.
And so you are back to judging her again.
Mind you, it's not that I blame you. You're just another solid, healthy
specimen of the human species. Like any normal person, you've got an
ego that wants, and two to four (in deference to Lydia's perceptions, as
well as my own) personality roles that can sting your wife more than one
way, like knee jerk reactions, whenever she comes in the room (i.e. when
her body comes into your space and impacts on you, and the words she
speaks in your space impact on you as well). So, in reality, what's
gonna happen? You're gonna go on stinging her, at least some of the
time. Because you aren't awake all the time when she comes into your
space. And it's going to take you some weeks, maybe months, of inspired
practice to start becoming awake more and more to have the presence of
mind to stop doing that stinging in reaction.
One great opportunity that lies here for you is the possibility that you
will be so inspired about this whole matter that you will really start
getting in some vigorous mindfulness practicing (wherever you happen to
be during the day). You can begin preparing yourself . . . . as we can
conceive of a man who is a classical warrior preparing himself for his
upcoming marriage. In doing this, you create the greatest possibility
that "this marriage will take place." And at the same time, if it turns
out that this marriage is not to take place, you have laid the
groundwork for separation in the most peaceful and harmonious ways
possible.
But you *see what you are doing!
>I am getting better at this, but I am also seeing so much of my wife's conditioning. I describe her as "terminally judgmental." Realizing that I've just made a judgmental statement myself—
Yes! That is an immensely important first step. Before you can change
*anything, you have to be able to clearly see what you are doing that
you would like to change. And you have the wherewithall, and enough
presence of mind, to be able to *start seeing your self making these
judgmental statements.
>Our 7 year old recently wrote about our Thanksgiving in a school paper. She wrote, "My Daddy got a turkey and we had to eat turkey for 3 days." Her teacher sent it home because she thought it was so cute. My wife said, "I think it is just so stupid . . . I stopped eating it after two days." As she was saying this, I was making coffee . . . "Do you realize how much coffee you drink? . . . and you make it too strong."
Okay, I get the picture. What's the big deal? Making that remark
about turkey is just your 7 year old being "sophisticated" like adults.
We all say that about holiday turkeys, don't we? It's become a form of
social sophistication to comment on how wonderful turkey is the first
day, and then there's turkey soup, turkey casserole, turkey for
breakfast, etc., etc. The problem here for you is that you take it
personally. It's just an essay, for Pete's sake, to show how
sophisticated your kid is, and the teacher ate it up! You could rejoice
for that. Even though "My Daddy" is mentioned, this piece isn't really
about you. It's about your kid's sophistication. I bet your 11 year
old had *no idea that would be a stinger for you, and found it hard to
understand why you weren't as pleased with her essay as her teacher was.
Now your wife: she is a Judge, no doubt about it. The first thing you
can know about that is that, because of the way life is, overall, for
her, she carries a lot of anger around in her body all the time. Her
jaws are always tight, and her mouth is always pulling into a grimace of
uptightness. Like my teacher Mits said: the environment is *all-
accomodating to a person going around in this state. If it wasn't "the
turkey" it would be the politics on the television news. If it wasn't
"the coffee" it would be the weather, or the price of vegetables.
Again—and this would be so valuable if all you students could understand
this principle—YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Even when she is
judging you personally that way, what it's really about is HER, and her
anger at life, and her judgments about the wrongness of *so many things.
You're just an innocent and rather anonymous "straight man" when that
kind of talk is coming from her.
If you can understand that, it can be a valuable insight about her. You
can study, at your leisure, all the ways that she is angry about life,
and what she does to express that anger about her life, in general. And
you don't have to take it personally, even if it seems to be aimed
personally at you.
Sometimes you might be able to see ways that you can "do it the way she
wants," and you *honestly don't mind. That's one way you might teach
her that her rock solid view of life as "wrong" in so many ways *can
turn out to be right once in awhile for her. Come on, Michael. Use
your brilliant ingenuity! How about getting a second coffee maker for
Christmas, so you can brew a milder mix that suits *her taste? That'd
be an example of "standing by" her. Doesn't she have a right to like
coffee the way she likes it, just like you do? It's a matter of taste.
In ways that you and she have different tastes, you can, if you are
inspired to, look for ways that *both your tastes can be accomodated.
Suggestions like this aren't "logical and reasonable." They are
"absurd." But if you can put them into action, you will simply get to
see what happens. And if you can't find that you are inspired to exert
your energy in standing by her, that is simply the truth of it. It is
all a matter of finding out, finding out. What is the truth of it,
within you? Can you stand by this woman, or not? Yes, she's got a
personality. She's got her types; you've got yours. You aren't
thinking that after a divorce you're gonna find another woman who
doesn't have a personality and a new collection of knee-jerk reactions
that rub you the wrong way, are you? Because we *all are human. We *
all have egos and personalities. (Look at my ego and personality all
over the place lately . . . the *coach, for goodness sake!") We all
have personalities, and the potential for rubbing each other the wrong
ways exists with *every two people who get together as friends,
associates, lovers, and even intended mates. It is only mindfulness
practitioners who can learn to *see this, and understand it, and work
with it. For everyone else, it is *just their Fate! But only deep
within you can you find if this is a woman that you can really *stand
by.
>Nothing drives me to the meditation cushion like this incessant judging. While it helps to work on being mindful and to realize that this could be my "Happy Blessed Opportunity, " sometimes I just want to be free of it.
Keep practicing feeling your anger, by feeling the sensations in your
uptight angry face and jaw. You don't need to be sitting to do this.
Do it as often as you can remember when you're up and around. Keep
noticing, every time you can, how you tend to go off in an automatic
knee-jerk reaction, giving her stingers back when you are angry. I wish
you could understand how *much you've accomplished already by even being
able to see all this in your self!
>I know the Coach has advised me to let her know when something she says hurts, but I didn't feel like "getting into it" with her." I just sighed and tried to observe.
Give it "the ol' college try!" Let her know when something she says
hurts, but *without "getting into it" with her. Continue trying to
observe, but . . . . . she hates "those sighs," frankly. Better if you
find a way to speak. "I'll tell you what, dear. Even though it hurts
me when you say that, I'm willing to get something else for the big
dinner than turkey with all the trimmings next time. I can give that up
for you and our child, if that's what the two of you really want." —
"Ow, that hurts, honey. I thought you liked my coffee. Well, stand
here with me next time, and show me how you would like me to make it."
(And put your arm around her, fondly, if she'll do it. You've got to
find *some ways to be sweet to her, or it *will be over, eventually.
She could catch you by surprise on that one, I'm afraid.
>So here is my dilemma. Several years ago my wife lost her wedding band.
Is that, by any chance, when she stopped picking you . . . . . when she
stopped being sweet to you as much as she had been being before? (Just
a wild guess, Kiddees!) And what about you, at that time, in regards
to standing by her?
>Last week she told me she wanted a new wedding band for Christmas. I just don't think I can bring myself to give this gift. My heart isn't in it. I don't even *like* this person (hows that for mindfulness?)
Yes, it takes mindfulness to see, and to be objective, and to be able to
know if one really does or doesn't like being together with the other
person. Apparently you *don't like to, as things are going right now.
I maintain (in the theoretical model of the human mating dance that I
describe) that in deciding whether to choose to be together, the woman
needs to ask herself, "Do I really, really pick this man to be the one
for me?" And the man needs to ask himself, "Can I really, really stand
by this woman?" Perhaps in your cases, it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps
it isn't meant to be. Not every man and woman can make it work
together, and make the adjustments to each other's personalities that
are necessary to be able to be happy together.
Of course, I *can't make such decisions for other people. I'm not there
on the ground. I can't see what you can see from way, way over here in
the (now freezing) Sonoran Desert. And I can't know what you feel deep
inside, the way it really is within you. Only you can do your best to
see what are the truths of that which is before you, and do your best to
recognize clearly what is the truth of that which is within you to do.
And mindfulness can certainly help with this.
>To give her this gift would be a lie. But I live this lie every day. Every time I sigh when I should say, "That hurts" I lie.
Yes, "that sigh" only makes things worse for her, and it doesn't do
anything valuable for you.
This is a very interesting thing, her asking for a ring for Christmas.
It appears to be a gesture in picking you. Doesn't it, now? I wonder
if this might be the last time she does this. I imagine (and this is
just my projecting here, my "wild guesses" from afar!) that your wife
"can't stand the suspense any more," Michael. She may be wondering:
"Is Michael gonna stand by me? Or is he gonna leave?" It seems she
might have some intuitive sense that your leaving might be imminent.
Asking for another wedding ring this way might be her "final attempt" to
find out, once and for all, how it is with you. (And this might be the
*one last chance when the two of you could talk it over, before a
decision one way or another is made—a final chance to talk this
situation over together honestly and openly, and seriously, yet
sensitively . . . and as much as possible from your side without more
wounding stingers, and maybe it could get heart-to-heart, as well.)
Unless you tell her ahead of time that you can't bring yourself to do it
. . . . . Christmas Day, itself—the presence or absence of a tiny little
box under the tree—might make the difference whether this marriage is to
continue, or whether the two of you are to go separate ways.
There are two things I could suggest that might be helpful to be
discussed by *each of you with the other:
"These are the ways that it's been hurting me, and making it hard for me
to be happy living with you . . . . . . . ."
"These are the things I wish we could have to share together, if we
could team-up at this late time, and learn to be happy together again. .
. . . . . "
You'd need to make sure that *both of you get to express everything you
have to say on both of these topics. And when you are expressing your
wounds, try, at least to be sweet about it anyway, without resorting to
stingers. And when she is expressing about her woundedness, and her
stingers come out at you, try to remember that for all the rough ways
she's treated you, she's still just a fragile, vulnerable,confused human
being, unaware of the personality types that characterize her life.
Like Bob Dylan once said, "She talks like a woman . . . but she hurts
like a little girl."
I can't really speak for Thich Nhat Hanh, of course, but if he had the
opportunity of living with your wife, I'm pretty sure he would know
similar kinds of things like I'm saying here, and he'd be able to be
more awake with it than either you or I. I'd give him a pretty good
chance of workin' it out with her, if that was to be his Destiny.
Either way that it goes, a person can only be honest or dishonest, can
only do their best, or not try. To be dishonest and not to try is our
Fate. Sleeping people have no other options than this. To be honest
and to give it our best shot with mindfulness . . . that can sometimes,
sometimes, sometimes, Kiddees, lead us to our Destiny instead.
That all of us are caught, again and again and again, in the traps and
sufferings of our Fate, that is the ordinary thing in this life, that is
the ordinary human way, that we all have known so much of so far. To
transcend this Fate—that is not to say that one knows what the answer is
in advance, but only that one may have the courage to actually find out—
to NOT let the reactions of one's Martyr against the other's Judge be
the determining factor . . . . . that is the unusual thing in our human
stories on this planet. "Dying" to the conditioned ways that create
our own Fate in each of us, and "being reborn" as a mindful warrior, a
bhodisattava, a warrior of peace, a warrior of love, is not easy,
Kiddees. It's not easy at all.
Fate will get us again and again and again. But there's always the next
chance we get in the rest of our life to go for the Destiny one more
time. And for a student of mindful warriorhood, there's always "that
ol' college try."
Coach
Next on my schedule: Suz, and then Lydia. Ninad, what say we "talk it
over" in "the Coach's Office" (that is, by e-mail to coach@mindfulness
classes.com) where your privacy will be assured. Would you drop me a
line at that e-mail address? Tell me a little more about you, please,
and what you would like me to help you to get out of our little class?
I'd like it to be more predictable for each of you students
participating here, as to when I'll be responding to your postings—so
you can just be relaxed about it (if you haven't been already) and so
you can have a sense of the pace and timing that we are developing here.
I'll try to get better at communicating with you about this, as we
continue into the new year. I'm trying to get "into a rhythm" with the
coaching work that I am doing here—both steady, but relaxed and casual
in one sense, and yet reliable and more predictable to you guys, as
well.
. . . So much for "shorter postings." Well, there's always the next
time around. :-)
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Archived February 13, 2000