Re: Sometimes, a student's troubles take precedence in my schedule here. Posted by Michael on December 14, 1999 at 10:52:16:
In Reply to: Sometimes, a student's troubles take precedence in my schedule here. posted by John on December 14, 1999 at 04:11:12:
Coach,
Thanks so very much for responding to my dilemma so promptly. Your
insights are very helpful to me. I realize that the examples of my
wife's behavior I gave may seem petty, but I think some clarification
may be in order.
First of all, I was *thrilled* with my daughter's writing! I *did*
rejoice in her story. That's why I was so frustrated when my wife's
response was a flippant judgment about the dang turkey! It wasn't a
"stinger" for me at all (but my wife's judgment obviously *was*). The
episode with the coffee is similar. My wife doesn't *drink* coffee, so
why should she care how strong I make it? Actually, I *know* why. It's
not about coffee. It's about judging. And you are absolutely right. It
isn't even about *me*, so I shouldn't take it personally. These are all
such small examples of what I think is a much larger problem. I hope it
won't over-burden the class if I relate a similar but "bigger" example:
My wife grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. Her mother was (still
is) a dominant and domineering woman ("Dictator" is an understatement)
and her father fell into the role of completely submissive doormat. I
often think he is either a doormat or a Boddhisattva of the highest
order. My wife grew up hearing "Your father's family is just a bunch of
no good so and so's and he's just like 'em." My wife didn't even know
her grandparents *names* from her father's side. For the last seven
years, since the birth of our first child, I have heard similar
invectives from my wife applied to *my* family. When I bring this to my
wife's attention she responds, "My mother didn't even *know* my
father's parents. They died before my parents even met, so my mother's
reactions were totally irrational and illogical. But I've *met* your
family. I *know* they're a bunch of no good so and so's...."
Now, what's tragic about all this is that my parents are good people.
They've done nothing to deserve such treatment. And because my wife
judges them so harshly we rarely get to see them. They are not welcome
in my house. Of course, I would love to have them come for a visit, but
we'd all suffer the consequences of my wife's negative behavior toward
them. Everyone in my family agrees it's just not worth it. Last year,
we all gathered at my parent's house for a Christmas visit. My brothers
were out in the yard playing touch football with their kids. On the way
home, my daughter said, "Daddy, did you see that man catch that
football?" I felt a tear well up in me as I explained, "That *man* was
my twin brother." I'm getting choked up just typing this now.
It is very clear to me that it isn't about coffee and it isn't about
turkey. It isn't even about my family. I think it *could* be about
mental illness, but I've done the psychiatrist thing. My wife has been
officially exonerated from any such diagnosis. But what I see is
history repeating itself, and I *do* know that this stuff is highly
genetic. At one time, I thought my destiny was to help my wife come to
grips with her dysfunctional childhood. Now, my tendency is to think I
should do what her father could not and stand up to the dragon. The
irony of all this is that my wife is estranged from her mother because
of this personality disorder. She has told her mother, "I will not have
a relationship with you unless and until you agree to get help."
Perhaps I must give my wife a similar ultimatum?
No matter the outcome, I *do* think there is Destiny at work here. It's
workin' hard on me. It is very helpful for me to think of my wife as a
hurt little girl. I wish like hell I could get through to that little
girl. But the woman on the outside thinks she has the world figured
out. The voice my wife hears is her own mother's and she doesn't even
know it.
I'm going to give your suggestions a try, Coach. I'm going to open some
things up for discussion with my wife and I promise to do my best to
stay awake. My apologies to the class for taking up so much of the
discussion. After this week I'll be on Christmas break, so I won't be
around much until January. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season
and a happy new millennium.
Michael
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