Re: Sometimes, a student's troubles take precedence in my schedule here. Posted by Jeff on December 16, 1999 at 09:19:27:
In Reply to: Re: Sometimes, a student's troubles take precedence in my schedule here. posted by Michael on December 14, 1999 at 10:52:16:
Hello Michael & All:
As Suz posted, the posts of the last few days have been the cause of
both saddness and happiness. Likely we all have some stories of
saddness or tragedies in our lives, and at times are faced with the
most difficult choices. At these times many choose to escape to some
altered state be it chemical, or otherwise(ie, denial). For me, the
trouble must be faced and walked through.
My childhood was not bad, but it was at least different enough to
convince me for a long time that I didn't want to have children, nor
even get married. I didn't need that. Yet some people touched me along
the way, and gave me not so much the hope that everything would be "OK"
or normal, but that the way we lived when I was a kid would not have to
be repeated in my family(my wife & kids). The cycle could be broken.
What they were telling me then was what Coach and this class is about,
about waking up, seeing what is happening, and making choices(not
reacting) based on who we really are, not necessarily what we have have
been taught. Its not that what we have been taught is all good or bad,
its not about judging in that way. Much of what I was taught has
allowed me to survive( ie, how to cook, etc.). At the same time though
I was taught(generally by example) that we always put the happy face on
when we go out of the house. Everything is fine. While it is not my
place to "dump" all my problems on my friends, the problems are not
addressed. The messages and signals that my body is sending me are
disguised to keep the ego pumped.
Suz was right on when she caught the tone of what your child had
written in her paper. Kids learn that stuff, sometimes from their
friends, sometimes from their teachers, but mostly from their parents.
Many times I hear my kids(yes, I did get married and I have 3 kids)
talking to each other and saying things to each other, that either
myself or my wife has told them them. This happens all the time. I
didn't set them down and say learn these lines. I don't think that this
is entirely genetic either(there is probably some link between
environment and genetics that is crossed but I am not qualified to
say). What I do see is my effect on the kids, genetic or environmental,
intentional or not.
At this point, what I am doing here becomes even more important. The
cycle that my parents handed to me, can be altered. I just need to see
that it is a cycle, to see my part in it. My grandparents on one side
lived apart while on the other had a relationship that I didn't
necessarily want either.
From the other side, as a judge, judging can be a difficult "habit" to
break. When in it, the apparent need to be right is overriding to
everything else, relationships be damned. It doesn't matter whether I
am technically right or not, but I can not be "wrong". This would
probably be ok if I could keep my mouth shut, but I must explain the
the "error of your ways". For me when I mix this with an artist/rebel
who needs to see the "perfection" look out. No matter what you do, I
will find something wrong with it. And if you loved me you would do
it "right". The only problem is, the next time you do it "right", I am
still not satisfied and will find something else.
We are doing a remodel job on our house. When my wife & I went to the
store to make the final decision on the cabinets. We were able to
discuss the options and make decions. Once upon a time my wife and I
might have fought over the details until someone "gave up". Now we are
able to discuss the pros & cons knowing that ultimately they are just
cabinets. They are just cabinets, but if we could fight over cabinets,
what could we do about kids?
I do not have the answers, but mindfulness will hopefully allow you to
love others while allowing them to be theirself. This does not
necessarily mean that you will need to remain in an intimate or other
relation with them, but you will not just be reacting and being the
martyr one more time.
One last note, Michael wrote:
>I promise to do my best to stay awake.
>My apologies to the class for taking up so much of the discussion.
I cannot speak for the coach or others in this class, but my thoughts
are for all. I neither require promises or apologies. I appreciate the
apologies, but in this case for me it is unnecessary. What we have been
doing is what this class is about for me. Relating our experiences and
thoughts. Each of us has had our moments as the "topic of discussion",
but if we didn't discuss ourselves, I would likely move on.
Take care all, jeff
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