Does guilt get your stomach bubbling in the holiday season? Posted by John on December 23, 1999 at 21:17:28:
It's a good idea to take a look at guilt at Christmas time. The holiday
season is typically one in which guilt is very prevalent around the
land. People may feel guilty when they see how much they have, and are
reminded of others who have less. Guilt gives rise to compulsive
excessive giving to others. I'll try to explain that in this class. It
*is better to give than to receive," as Jesus said, but not when that
giving is done out of guilt!
Guilt is a normal human emotional feeling that occurs in predictable
circumstances. Guilt happens when you are left with "the good things in
life," and others are left without, and it *bothers you. In addition to
the actual physical sensations of the feeling of guilt, itself, a person
feeling guilt usually has thoughts of "being obligated to other people,"
and desires to do kind things for them *to "make up for it."
Although there is continuing dispute in various teaching circles about
whether "guilt" is actually an emotional feeling, or only a mental
construct, that is, just a conceptual attitude of the thinking mind . .
. the awareness game attempts to demonstrate that, with guilt, there are
*both—both a tangible, perceptible *feeling of guilt in the body—which *
is the actual emotional feeling of guilt, itself—and a mental construct
in the thinking mind of "guilty obligation," as well.
In playing the awareness game, we can expect that there is *always some
quality of emotional feeling in the body at any given moment of the here
and now. Our object is merely to wake up and get in touch with the
tangible sensations of that in the present.
And if you know how to recognize the various emotional feelings (because
they are distinctly different from each other in the inward sensations
of them), then you can tell what you are really feeling right now, at
any time. Sometimes, if you practice doing this, you will find that
your body is uptight in certain places and feeling tense. And depending
on where in your body you become aware of these tangible uptight
sensations, you can tell straightaway which of the basic emotional
feelings is going on in you right then.
In brief, the feelable tensions of the eight basic negative emotional
feelings that we study in the awareness game show up, as follows:
fear: back of neck and shoulders tight
loneliness: "that empty feeling" in the torso.
anger: teeth clenched, jaw growling, fists tight
jealousy: trunk of body twisted away with torque, heat in the face
depression: feeling of tiredness throughout the whole body
anxiety: nervous feelings along the long bones of arms and legs
sadness: "wanna cry" feeling in the heart area, throat, face
guilt: bubbling, "worrying" stomach, vague nausea
On the other hand, when you check in with awareness to your inner body,
it may be the sensations of positive feelings that you discover:
fear/"can do" courage
loneliness/solitude
anger/humor and laughter
jealousy/artistic sensitivity
depression/"sweet rest," and renewed strength to carry on
anxiety/excitement and enthusiasm
sadness/tenderness love: the "tenderness" sensations
guilt/friendly love; the "companionship" sensations
The positive feelings are what we feel in the same areas of the body
when the negative feelings of tension aren't there. These feelings feel
"blissful," energized, gently *outward-moving, so as to leave the state
of the body less burdened. You must experience this on your own to
know the full, rich sensations of it.
As the inward ("uptight") tensions of the negative feelings become more
relaxed, the outward ("light and happy") release of tensions of the
positive feelings become more prevalent and observable. In other words:
negative feelings are inwardly gathered tensions, and positive feelings
are the release of those tensions outward. And in all these cases,
negative and positive, the sensations of this happening can be palpably
*felt. If one applies mindful awareness to the inward *sensations of
negative feelings, and meditates inwardly on this, this exercise enables
the body to let go of those tensions, and transform itself into a bodily
state of greater relaxation and pleasure. (It takes practice, and one
can "get good" at this.)
And it is legitimate to say that the more we deprive our experience of
awarely knowing the painful and uncomfortable sensations of the negative
feelings that come up in all of our bodies while life is going on, the
more we deprive our being of knowing the happy and soul-satisfying
feelings of the positive feelings when they are present, too.
........................................................
So . . . when you wake up and discover that you are feeling guilty, put
your awareness in your lower abdomen, and sift for the feeling of a
worrying stomach. In severe cases, there may even be a hint of nausea.
When you find this, keep your awareness on it for awhile—that is,
focused on the palpable sensations of it. Do this whenever you remember
during the day. By being aware of the physical sensations of guilt, you
"syphon off" a little of its intensity every time. Then when the inward
tensions of guilt in the stomach area have abated, the guilty thoughts,
the guilty attitude, the ideas of guilty obligation will also abate, and
you will be free again.
......................................................
Suz's posting, weeks ago, about "guilt" is a perfect sharing for
everyone in class to contemplate, as we move onward in time towards
Christmas Day. Guilt is a normal human feeling, remember. And it
arises in certain defineable circumstances, which Suz—after sharing that
she found that "MSP" piece I wrote "informative"—has illustrated very
well in her response to my apology for that article.
>I found it interesting and feel that you shouldn't feel "guilty"for expressing your opinion about it!
Ha! Well, no offense, pal, but you have just illustrated (ta-dah!) "a
guilt trip." "You shouldn't . . ." Telling me what I should and
shouldn't do is (ta-dah!) "laying a guilt trip." Do you see what I
mean here? And in this context it is truly charming! Not wanting me to
feel guilty about my MSP piece, the behavior mechanism employed is one
which "makes me feel guilty about being guilty." Ha! Isn't that
interesting?
How could the same idea be expressed without laying a guilt trip on me?
— "Well, if you want to feel guilty about it, that's your trip, John.
But as for me, I found the piece interesting and informative."
There is an important principle of the awareness game that comes into
play here. It is well-known in many psychotherapeutic circles as well,
for instance among the Humanists, and the Gestaltists. The idea is in
"not cheating the other person out of their feelings." That may seem
strange, and it is subtle, but it is worth knowing about.
The idea is in not depriving the other person of having the feelings
that they are having (in my case there, guilt, as Suz pointed out). The
aim a mindful warrior may have with other people, when they are having
negative emotions, may be in helping them to get in touch with the
reality of the negative feelings they are having, so that—by being aware
of it—they can heal themselves of it. If we tell another person, "Don't
be sad about that," or "Don't be angry about that," that isn't going to
help the situation, or help them.
A warrior tries to know what the negative emotions of other people are,
to be informed of that. And a warrior might say: "I notice you are
seeming to come across kind of angry here," or "I notice you seem to be
feeling sad." In that way, a warrior puts their being into a realm of
reality with the other person. If we tell the other not to be angry
when they are angry, or not to be sad, or guilty, when they are being
sad, or guilty, that puts the conversation into a realm of unreality.
Now, what it is that Suz is doing here in this posting addressed to me?
(Our old stock question in studying human behavior, remember, "What is
the person doing here?") Suz is taking care of me. She is left with
all the good things of her life there, with all the new gifts she is
receiving from the Great Spirit of the Forest . . . . . and she sees her
dear ol' coach is twisting in the wind, suffering over that MSP posting
I wrote.
Now, not so long ago, Suz was coming from her "Kick her ass, Coach!"
mode, her Dictator, when she stood beside me in the fray with the old
lady in the Supermarket. But here, our dear Hoodoosuz is coming from
(ta-dah!) . . . . . her Kind Helper. She is helping me. I suspect it
is another "guilt scenario," indeed. And this doesn't mean I don't
appreciate your caring about me, good friend! I do! We are just
looking at the basic integers of human behavior here, and *how all of us
folks do the things we do. And in this side of you that we see here in
this posting, you present a kind, helping side of you, a side that may
be driven by the common human emotional feeling called "guilt."
>I had a bout with "guilt" last night myself!
Yes! Good eye! Three gold stars for you! You really *did have a bout
with guilt. Let's see if we can clear it up for you so that you can
understand what happened so well that you won't need to put the word
"guilt" in quotation marks any more, because you will know, beyond the
shadow or a doubt what guilt *is.
>We have lived in our area for 3 years and have only two "old friends" we knew prior to moving here in the area and have several "new friends" here now but despite this, with all we know here, feel sorta disgruntled at times
Yes. When these times that you feel "disgruntled" come up, that is what
I mean by "score on the scoreboard," in the terminology of the awareness
game. You know there is tension in the air. You feel troubled about
something. That brings the "opening buzzer" of the awareness game, the
moment to wake up in the field, appraise your own state awarely,
appraise the other's state awarely, and *deal with it all as a mindful
warrior.
>especially when holidays birthdays etc approach!All these folks know we are basically alone here . . . and the last 3 years have spent every holiday home alone, no invitations ,no one coming to see us etc!Some of our friends have big families here and it doesn't occur to them to ask us over?There are only 3 of us!
Yes, you may feel a little "martyred" about this. You feel caring
towards them, and these people don't seem to give you back as much
caring as you have to give them. Check your heart area and throat. You
may feel a little sadness about this. I understand this kind of thing
can hurt. And understand, Suz, as brave and strong as you are,
sometimes you are still just a little girl inside there when you are
being hurt by people.
And . . . . . when people are stuck in the martyred syndrome, over
whatever caring or love isn't happening . . . . that's when people are
prone to be thinking the Martyr's guilt trip. "They *should care more
about me! They should care as much about me as I care about them."
But in the world of reality, there are all kinds of people—eight kinds
of typology as we study it here in our class. Although all of us wish
we could be loved by everybody, there are some of the personality types
that cannot love any given one of us or have the patience to care about
the *real human person that is inside each one of us. If we would
expect everyone to like us, we would just set ourselves up for suffering
about it.
I don't know the personality types of your neighbors up there in the
Northwoods. But some of them are just not motivated to care about who
you are. It isn't in their make-up. It isn't their ego's and
personality's way to like people like you, or people like me, etc. And
it is you guys who have chosen to live up there where there are so few
people around, after all. It appears the "pickings" for friendship are
rather slim where you are.
Maybe you guys will have to get into town more often, join some clubs,
participate in some civic activities, or *whatever, if you care to
cultivate a wider circle of friends. Moving into the wilderness has its
splendors, but it's not exactly the easiest way to have a large bunch of
friends around. (And, is it any different for me, living here in a
residential area of Tucson? There is one family among all the neighbors
that I have close around me here that I visit with in their home, who
stop in here sometimes to visit me.) At any rate, the lesson is this:
if you wish for friends, don't count on people at random to want to be
friends with you, because their personalities often won't permit them to
do that. Friends are found (like lovers and spouses, indeed) by
serendipity. You have to be alert enough to pick up on it when it is
going by, to have a friend. You have to recognize the chemistry of
friendship when it is happening.
Other people are just neighbors, just acquaintances, mostly remaining
strangers. That doesn't mean they don't deserve our respect, our
caring, and perhaps our help when they are in need of it. But Dictators
are preoccupied with controlling the challenges of life; Con Artists are
fascinated by getting over on other people; Judges are busy correcting
things that are wrong and making them right; Rebels in being alone to
live the different way that they choose. Doormats have their hands full
with the burdonsome things they already have to do; Believers are
preoccupied with their own security; Martyrs are busy all the time
looking for love; and Kind Helpers have made so many promises to other
people to help them by going to their parties, that they may not be able
to squeeze in getting to the party at your place, too. You may find a *
friend among any of all these! But it only happens "by accident." You
have to spot it, to have it. You have to be alert to have friends—real
friends, I mean. And, sad as it may be for the human race, true friends
are rather rare. The situation you describe, Suz, is more common than
you'd suppose.
>so we kinda quit asking as it gets kind imbarrasing always being led on with( maybe we'll come by's") till the last minute then not even a phone call saying, "we can't make it" or anything.
I understand. I stopped giving parties years ago, for the very same
reasons. I don't say that any of you should take the attitude that I
have adopted, but I (my Rebel, I suppose) have taken the attitude that
my home is *only for my REAL friends. Now that I've fixed it up the way
I have been lately, I'm lookin' to have some of my real friends over to
visit me again real soon.
>"to hell with them" I'm not gonna beg for their company!I have always been there any time for all my friends and have never said no I can't help. . . . my mother calls them "Fair weather friends" . . . only around when they need you for their own personal gain
Yep. Mother is right. I'd say, build the greatness and the happiness
of your life around you and your family. Depending on other people for
it doesn't seem to work. And then, keep your eyes open for real friends
when you happen to spot 'em. Real friendship, although rare, does work,
very well.
>so I was sitting there last night thinking . . . me being such the hot spring addict (there's some music of the pleasure-loving Lover side of the Martyr in you here) . . . a Chef from Missoula to . . . cook gormet, and the only hot tub-sauna suite (in the room) was available for x-mas weekend! Could this be true!
Seek and ye shall find! :-)
>drooling at the prospect of hot steam,hot baths,massage,and gourmet meals . . . Steely Dan on the CD . . . and the countdown to extacy started! . . . . . then the phone rings and it's my friend who . . . has spent no time or returned the many favors happy to announce . . . their self-invitation to come for x-mas dinner
Ha! There you have it. The set-up for a guilt scenario. You guys are
gonna be left with the good things in life—gourmet meals (and no
dishes), sauna, all that ecstasy and good stuff! And your "friend" is
gonna be without. Haw-haw!
But sacrificing all that for her would not have made a real friend out
of her in 2000. That would just be "more of the same." I think you're
gonna like the response I'd have had to your "friend," Suz: "Better
luck next year!" I'd have said.
>I hesitated with my reply and much to her dismay announced . . . "Sorry we wont be here!"She was flabbergasted and the GUILT thing hit me but abated quickly as the thought of our selfish escape was too strong to let me feel guilty any longer!
Three stars for you "Pauline Bunyan!" Your husband probably has a
pretty good nickname for you there. And, hooray for you guys! I
imagine you are on your way to the hot springs already as I write, and
won't find this posting until you get back. I hope you've had a *
wonderful time! And I'm so glad you didn't let feeling guilty stand in
the way of your free choices for a happy time doing what you really like
and love! That's taking responsibility for yourselves, and not putting
it on other people!
And I hope everybody here in class will be having a good holiday week.
If any of you happen to be feeling guilty because you're home with the
feast and celebration while I'll be working alone out in the country on
Christmas Day—feeding, watering, cleaning up like every Christmas Day
for years—go ahead if that's the way you feel. Pay attention to it,
acknowledge it, process it awarely, and let it pass on through if you
can (as Suz has demonstrated for us here!). For the truth of it is that
I seem to be more richly rewarded with gifts this Christmas Day, and my
days seem to be more filled with "the good things in life," than at any
December 25th I can remember during the whole long, long course of my
life. This is the happiest Christmas I can remember. And I hope, I
pray, that all of you can find your own happiness, too.
Coach
Guilt is when you are left with the good things in life, and it bothers
you, or "gets to you" to see that another person doesn't have the good
things in life that you do.
Of course, some people drive by homeless people with signs around their
necks on the street dividers and barely see them. Others go by cynical
and angry. Yet many people go by with a little drama in their minds, a
conversation about "I should have helped that man, or that woman. I
should help those in need . . . even if I don't like them."
Should is the guilt word. "I should."
When the Martyr says, "You should love me as much as I love you," that
is called "a guilt trip." Martyrs "lay guilt" on other people. "You
should feel guilty." On the personality wheel, it is the Kind Helper
who feels guilty and says "I should help."
The idea here is *not to do away with "helping," Kiddees. It is to do
away with helping out of guilt. Helping out of guilt is very often not
*real helping at all. It is "neurotic" helping, if you will. It has no
measure, but is an automatic knee-jerk reaction when the person is
feeling guilty. The help that Healers give is extremely important in
this life. The help that Healers give is not automatic, not knee-jerk,
not without measure. A Healer is a person who can get centered and see
objectively what help is actually needed, who *cares, and is willing to
do what is necessary. It is not a neurotic act. It is "resentlessly
ruthless," as don Coyotl might put it. One does not care in a
"romantic" way. One is just *willing, because it is appropriate—
appropriate perhaps on a cosmic scale. It is not done because the ego
and personality makes me do it, but because it is what is to be done.
A favorite made-up example I've used in classes for many years shows
people sitting around a dining table by a window in a restaurant. It is
Winter. Poor, hungry children, in ragged clothes, are standing outside
the restaurant in the snow, pressing their faces to the windowpane
looking in at the food on the table before the diners. — I call this
"the guilt scenario."
The most famous national discussions of guilt have taken place after the
Korean and Vietnam Wars, when it has been observed that large numbers of
the soldiers coming home have been suffering from a guilt syndrome.
This became labeled "surivor's guilt." In the typical case, a soldier
comes home to his family and friends and the life he had before the war,
and is tormented about his closes buddy, "the most wonderful guy in the
world," who was killed by a boobie-trap a few feet away from him.
"Why???" he would ask his therapist. (This is anger. It is the famous
"guilt and anger, back to back.") "Why?"he would say. "Why did I get
to come home, and my buddy, who was such a great guy, who even saved my
life once (in such a case, that's going to make for a very, *very heavy
load of guilt) . . . . why did he die, and I get to go on living today?"
That's survivor's guilt. The same thing might happen with any one of us
with anyone we know who dies . . . . . . or loses *their job when we
keep ours, or who doesn't get picked for the honors when we do, etc.,
etc. We are left with "the good things in life," and they are left
without. And it gets to us, sometimes. It bothers us. That's guilt.
Christmastime is a ready-made scenario for survivor's guilt. *We
survived. The Lord died on the Cross for us, so that we might transcend
these selfish lives that we all have, and find the treasures that abound
in the Kingdom of Heaven that lies at hand.
In a way, I suppose it could be said that Christmastime—the way our
whole society relates with it, that is—is a mass national demonstration
of our collective guilt. It is a massive demonstration of knee-jerk-
reaction giving. We give because we *should give. (Again, "should,"
whenever you can discover it in the scenario, is always the guilt word
.) Every year, most of us decide who we should give a gift to, and who
we don't have to give gifts to this time. To whom do we feel obligated
to give, and how much? is the question.
Oh yes, we *love to give to our children. And I'm not prone to be
cynical about the fact that *some of our gifts are given with joy from
the bottom of our hearts. But mindfulness can spot the places where we
give from guilt, if we care to look objectively and see.
Of course, there is the flip side of this at Christmastime, too. We
get! We give gifts. And we get gifts. And if we get the gifts we want
we are overjoyed. And if we don't, or if we don't get any gift from
someone that we care about that we think should (!) have given us a gift
and didn't . . . heh-heh . . . then we feel a little martyred about
that. We feel sad. "They should have loved me enough to give me a
gift!" So both "Kind Helperism" and "Martyrism" come into play in the *
typical Christmas Dance of 20th Century Americans around the Christmas
Tree, and so with many others around the world.
So that brings me to my coaching point, Kiddees. Try to be awake on
Christmas Day. Know what guilt is when you see it! Feel it in the
bubblings and roilings of your worrying stomach. See it for what it is.
Let it go! Have a guilt-free Christmas this year, starting Christmas
Day.
And a happy Christmas to you All!
Coach
And . . . instead of doing things for other people out of guilt, in your
sleep, wake up and do something that *really matters—every week, every
day, any time, if the occasion presents—actually *do something, however
small, however large—to actually help another human being, another
creature, another tree or plant, that is actually willing and needing to
be helped. And do not help too much, if you care to be a real healer.
— And it's best not to do things for others on the hopes of getting
something back from them. That's what sets-up martyrdom, and leads to
laying guilt trips. Try to do whatever you do for other people, not
because you "should," nor because it would make them care more about
you, but because you just feel like doing it at the time—for *you!!!—and
you *know, because it "sings," that it's an appropriate thing to do.
Continue with Winter 1999/2000 Classroom Talk or
Post a new discussion in the current Classroom Talk
Archived February 13, 2000