About having "all the types" in the make-up of each of us. Posted by John on March 06, 2000 at 18:26:59:
I see that several of you seem to be troubled about this idea that we
each have several "primary types" that "stand out" in our personality
make-up. Maybe attempting to recognize your several primary personality
types at this point is "putting the cart before the horse," so to speak.
Jeff, in particular, and others of you have been sharp-eyed enough to
spot remarks that come from all around the whole wheel in single
individual postings that different ones of us have put up here in
Classroom Talk. That's right. You're seeing it right! . . . . .
Seeing is believing around here . . . . . right?
At different moments, at different times, each one of us will have the
music of each of all eight of the eight types on the wheel in what we
say and do. Recognizing which of these are one's primary types, and
which of these are less -frequent, or secondary types is a matter of
continuing mindful observation and study.
For instance, the other day, I was into my Lover-Martyr. You've heard
that music out of me on previous wide-spread occasions, in particular
when this "woman who can't keep her word," has popped up again in my
field. And it's been tougher on me than I've let on—I was suffering
over it through the whole Christmas holiday season last time. Yet I
seem to be healed now from this last time pretty well already. I
changed the mix, and did something different with her this time . . .
instead of playing my usual "sucker routine," (Believer), as in the
past. I told her the truth of how it is with me, and when she still
didn't seem to understand, I said: "You've been coming across to me as
the woman who can't keep her word. I've hurt a lot over this," I said,
"and I've decided not to make any more plans with you." Of course, she
disappeared again, within a minute. But I've been healing up *much
faster from it this time. (How about a cheer for the 'ol coach, class?)
I feel good for slipping my personality and ego designs, and being
authentic with her about it. I've let go of my attachment to seeing her
again. But at the same time, ironically, if she ever would think of
calling me again, she'd know how it really is with me. I'm not losing
any sleep over it. I feel satisfied I've finally taken a step I might
have taken years ago, and saved myself much needless suffering and
distraction along the way.
Anyway, my point here is that you heard some of that Martyr music out of
me the other day. And I am capable of that from time to time. In fact,
we All are capable of that when love is lost. Was it Jeff, or Tim the
other day, commenting on this? Yes, it's like I have all this tender
loving in me that I'd forgotten about, suddenly spontaneously ready to
be expressed, and when she disappears again, that's my sense of it as to
what it is that hurts the most—"losing the person" that this kind of
emotion would naturally be expressed to. What's been forgotten is that
*I am the one who has this love in me. Nothing has been "lost" if I
remember that.
When someone dies, it can be like this, too. When love dies, it seems
that we have no one to give our deep love to any more. In my case here,
I decided to give it to me, for a change. Heh-heh. What have I got to
lose (except for being a sucker) when she comes around and I start
wanting her again? Better than being a guy who walks around suffering
over that, I'd rather be a guy who doesn't even have that to think about
any more. (I'm gettin' there, just by processing it all awarely.)
When I pick out one of you class-members arbitrarily, anonymously here,
"thinking out loud," I can remember times over the semesters when I have
heard the music from you, loud and clear, of Dictator, Con Artist,
Judge, Rebel, Doormat, and Martyr. That's six of the eight types. And
you've given each of them a pretty good jam in their time. And yet, to
me, there are three of those types that seem to stand out the most
clearly, three that seem to be the most persistently playing, as you
continue sharing along. And from time to time along the way, I hear the
music of those other three "secondary types" piping back in again.
Let's see, Jeff—can I do this with you? You've commented in some detail
on this. What have I heard of music in your postings along the way?
Dictator (no, but Can-Do, yes), Con Artist (yes, I've thought so at
times), Judge, Rebel, Doormat, Believer (naw, but Student), and Kind
Helper. (I could "go around the wheel" this way with any of you who'd
invite me to.)
I suppose this one may seem as "bad" to you as the "tie-pulling gesture"
(which I last saw on television when Jesse Jackson went to Belgrade to
bring the U.S. Army prisoners home. He was in a plaza, amidst high-
ranking Yugoslavian officers, and Milocevic, and I saw ol' Jesse
"pulling his tie out longer" several times in that plaza on the news
that day—a famous Con-Artist in mid-taking-advantage of a situatrion
that was making him look like a national hero. I like him, by the way.
Anyway . . . . . .
I told Deirdre in our First Semester around here that you could
sometimes tell a person's types by the types of salutations that they
put at the ends of their postings over-and-over-again. In her case, I
pointed out that she frequently signed-off by saying: "Take care." And
I attributed that to her Healer/Kind Helper, which she, herself,
observed to be quite active in the rest of her life.
So it's *that, that I'm thinking of, when I add Kind Helper to your
spectrum of personality music, Jeff. You are "capable of that
personality type." You often sign-off, "Take Care," and other times,
you often sign off with a kind of Artist/Rebel "Out of here," or
something like that . . . "Later." (Tim had one that reminded me of
Rebel music the other day, when he signed off "Hasta," without the ". .
. la vista" on the end. Rebels are specialists in "the quick goodbye on
the way out."
So, does this mean that like Deirdre, you have a Healer/Kind Helper in
your primary personality formation, Jeff? I don't know. I just know
that it seems to "just pop out of you" that way, when you are saying
"Take care" as often as you do. Maybe it's just that you have a Healer
that comes to the fore when you are taking leave of other people. The
Kind Helper personality worries and wants people to take care of
themselves so as not to lose their company, so as to "have them around
next time" to do kind things for. There does seem to be some inate
strain of that in you, a healthy (and Essential, I might add)
gregariousness that comes out in your song. You are just being human in
that way, after all. As to whether this music is so pervasive in your
daily life that you find yourself helping other people *all the time, to
the exclusion of helping to promote your own harmony in your own life
(as Kind Helpers may fall into doing), that is another question.
We all have characteristics of all eight types of Essence in us. We
were born that way. Some of the types of Essence may shine in us more
strongly than other types. And we all have "socially inculcated" habits
of all eight of the types of Personality, too, to some degree. We will
see each of the eight types in activity in our behavior at intervals,
from time to time—as the Martyr was there, blatantly, in my sharing the
other day. And yet, over time, we may also come to see that several of
the eight types can be seen as taking *major roles in the way our life
is turning out, not just occasionally, but week after week, month after
month.
Whereas spotting ego-driven personality of any of the types, and
stepping aside from it, is "legitimate" transformative work at any time,
right on the spot . . . . . methodical and persistently continuing work
on one's primary types, when they have been clearly recognized, can
enable the transformation of "great heaps" of one's ego-driven
personality in a relatively short period of time. In other words,
working on these primary types from the start of transformative work
gets the most good out of this type of work in the shortest amount of
time. Or, said yet another way, recognizing and working on one's most
prevalent personality patterns (if you do have such) is the quickest
path to gaining more peace and harmony in your life in relating with
other people.
So I haven't "closed the book" on the primary personality types of ANY
of you students in this class. I'm still observing and learning as we
go along.
Coach
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