Thanks Posted by Tim on February 15, 2000 at 12:56:17:
I want to thank all of you for responding and the warm welcome. It was
a great uplift. I look forward to growing in class with all of you.
Boy, I have so many questions, I don't know where to start.
Mr. Bilby thank you for your warm, and thoughtful response.
I hope someday to be a real student, or actually learn what it means to
just be a real human being. I'll settle for that. This whole
enlightenment thing I think I will just shelve for now. Honestly, I am
in these teachings to survive! I am trying to find my way out of a life
that is KILLING me and my family. I dont want to go into detail, but it
involves violence, fear, substance abuse ... I don't want to die or
live like that anymore. PAIN is my real motive for searching for a way
out. I'm not some great wonder student (although you warmed my heart
and gave me great encourgement). I dont know what its going to take but
there is something to all of this. I just sense it, and am compeled by
it (the work/teachings). I know its going to be hard, maybe but that
ok, its hard now anyway (suffering). I have nothing to lose!
Many of the things I have been studying have hinted at what these
teachings have brought to the for front for me to learn. I dont know if
anyone has input, but I dont trust my mind/judgement, and will take a
second opioin as to if Im on the right track. So here goes.
What is highlighted for me now is the EXPERIENCING of FEELINGS. Once
several months ago, I was driving home from work. During the whole
drive home, in the back ground of my mind, something was knawing at me.
I didnt purposely ignore it, but I ignored it. It grew and grew, until
finaly I pulled the car over to the side of the road. Being confused
and perplexed at what was going on, what was bothering me, I put my
hands and head on the stearing wheel, closed my eyes, and said to
myself, "what is it!", then I just felt the feeling that was bothering
me as intensily as possible. It was very strong then it, disapeared, I
never knew what it was about. I shrugged it off for the most part,
except it reminded me of when I was very young that I would get a
knawing in my stomach area when bothered by something, and it wouldnt
go away until I found what it was that was bothering me.
Recently I had been feeling overall that I was making progress
(maintaining an alet calmness). Then WHAM out of the blue, last night I
was being VIOLENTLY accused of something I had not done. Caught off
guard, immediately I fell into defensive resistance. Its not fair, I
was trembling with fear of the impending violence from both myself and
the other person. Why was I afraid I didnt do anything! I became upset
with myself, because I shouldnt be afraid if I didnt do anthing. I kept
trying to get the upper hand, prove myself, it was all wrong somehow.
I fell into searching inside, trying to remember what to do from the
teachings. I vaguely remembered, one student wrote something to the
effect "what we dont like about others is a reflection/mirror to
ourselves" which connected to some other things I remembered to the
same effect. So first realized I had to feel what I was resisting, I
couldnt go any further without that 1st. I felt embarrassed that this
situation was showing me that I wasnt as advanced as I thought! I didnt
want to see that! I felt ashamed that I was feeling so much fear! This
didnt fit my picture of myself as being this strong type! I didnt like
that I was reacting and not understanding what was happening! (I hope
someday to learn to just see something for what it is without adding
judgement to it, not liking it, and suffering because of that)Now I was
feeling angry because the situation was unjust, and I was just falling
apart (it felt like) and didnt know what to do. So I just felt that to.
So as best as possible allowed the embarrassment, shame, anger,
frustration, confusion, guilt, just tried to allow it, feel it, all of
it as much as possible. Eventually towards the end of the night the
inside storm did slowly subside. But I was still frustrated with
myself. How could I so easily and unawares fall into those flattery
self images that ended up giving me so much pain. How do you watch for
those? In the morning I was still holding some resentment, so I tried
bringing it up with making my face angry, did it many times trying to
feel the upset as intensily as possible. It worked, I felt cleared.
Off to work.
-Looking back now, from a calm perspective, many things come up.
I see I keep WANTING to FEEL like I already KNOW when I really dont,
which may be connected to why I allow those self flattering images,
which I want so bad to be true.
-I dont want to see, how weak I really am. This one is very painful for
me especially! I dont know what to do about this? or if I should do
anything!
-I see the other (accuser) person could not help herself. She didnt see
what was driving her. (neither did I at first!)
-I sense somehow that maybe I have to just keep allowing (feel), allow,
allow allow allow ALLOW, to greater and greater degrees but am unclear
about it all???????
Does anyone have any EXPERIENCE in this area???
Does what I am experiencing and and how Im handling it (or not handing
it) sound typical on this path - i.e. am i going in the right direction
or out in left feild?
I almost feel like things are getting worse instead of better, I not
used to feeling these type of feelings or seeing these type of things???
All of this leaves me feeling very very strange inside?????
Sorry I got long winded, this just felt like surfacing???
Tim
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