About shame and paralysis. (Part One)
Posted by John on October 29, 2001 at 21:20:44:

Paralyzed, you ain't, Bruce.

I think it might be helpful for you now to see a little more of my perspective, as a coach, of the things you've been sharing with us here in class lately.

When you posted "Spiritual Perfectionism, Depression, and Paralysis" on Saturday the 20th, as I was reading that, I didn't see paralysis at all! On the
contrary, I was watching a lot of energy flowing through you then! I don't go by what people are thinking and saying. I go by what people do.
(Remember, everybody, "What is the person doing here?") The title was "depression and paralysis," but the action was energetic and even
enthusiastic. And then in the end you came to a remarkable set-back. That anger which you had successfully eluded during the day by trying out
that exercise came back to haunt you in an angry nightmare.

It was a situation, I suppose, which would seem to call for *an immediate response* from the Coach. And there's lots of great interest to be looked at
in that nightmare scenario, all right! I'll come back to that in due time.

But—as a coach, remember that—it isn't supposed to be my job to "rescue" students from difficult set-backs that come up. It's my job to teach you
how to be strong with them on your own. My job, to the best of my ability, lies in bringing out the best in each one of you students.

If I only become "a big brother," who helps you out in difficult situations, then I will not be bringing out the best in you. It is through your own
efforts, in dealing with the set-backs that come up for you, that the best in each of you will emerge.

What I saw, as a coach, in your "S.P.D.P." posting, was . . . . *progress*! Even though depression and paralysis were the problems you'd identified,
you were rising above depression and paralysis in the very things that you have been doing here in class. That's progress.

I remember way back on Tuesday, October 9th, when you wrote "Resistance, Shame, and Depression," and you said: "I am waking up to the fact that
I am DEPRESSED!"

I thought: "Oh-oh. That's a good sign for the training (which says that unless you recognize what your problems are, you can't begin to use
mindfulness to solve them), but . . . is it gonna be a good sign for Bruce? At that point, I thought: "Well . . . . we'll watch and see if he seems to be
making progress." And you do!

Depression is not-doing. Depression is doing as little as possible. Depression is not rising up from the mat and doing things. Those who are
experiencing it, and those who have loved ones or know others who are experiencing it, this not moving and not doing things is fundamental in
depression.

So if we wish to see an end to depression in our own sphere, rising up, moving, and doing things is an intelligent choice to not be playing to have
depression going on in one's life. That's simple enough. And it works.

In the sharing you've been making here in class, Bruce, your behavior has been the opposite of depression. It is obvious and apparent that you *can*
rise up and do things—excellently so, indeed!—when you choose to. I hope you will remember that.

Back on the 9th, the thrust of your comments was about resistance. I had no answer for you there. At least, I couldn't tell you this resistance isn't
there among all of you students in this class (resistance to seeing your own Selves transparently). We have this resistance built into all of us,
apparently. I think the explanation is that the ego doesn't want us to see what our ego-driven personality look like (but that's just "speculative
metaphysics.") Regardless of the explanation for it, each of us have to learn to come to terms with this resistance as best we can in order to go on
participating actively in transformative work of this kind. I try to be as gentle with students about this as possible, and invite all of you to step into the
light of a thousand candles here whenever you sense that you can . . . . . and to not feel obligated to do so while observing from the classroom circle
around.

At any rate, Bruce, it seems apparent there is much progress in your dealing with this resistance, too, as you have continued observing and
transparently sharing your own experiences of this very interesting phenomenon of shame (inner self devaluation) that we are all examining here
together now.

Way back on the 9th, you asked another very good question that I never got around to giving a straight answer to. You said:

>Can you describe how the experience of Shame (inner self devaluation) accompanies and contributes to depression?

Again, you might have supposed that a dutiful coach would give a quick response to that. You might even have been a little angry that I didn't
answer that question. It's a clear, direct question, easy to understand. Surely I must have heard it at the time! Yes, I did.

I've been trying to build a foundation for addressing that question with you, all the time since that day. Much of my work, as I perceive it, lies in
building a foundation, building a foundation, building a foundation, upon which, eventually, deeper secrets of life can be recognized and understood.
And as I've been attempting to do that during this month, the feedback you have been giving along the way has encouraged me, again and again, that
you are, indeed, getting the foundational things I've been laying out (like the important difference to notice between the physical experience of shame,
and the thinking side that accompanies shame).

On Saturday, the 20th, you said:

>I'm in the process of determining how I experience Shame, Depression, and other Doormat traits in my everyday life.

Right on! And right on to see this as a "process" you are undertaking.

>So far I have observed that the most obvious characteristic of Shame and Doormatism in my experience is the bodily feeling of weakness, torpor, sluggishness, drowsiness, lethargy, spiritlessness, etc...

Yes! That palpable feeling of the *sensations of* torpor that you can feel in your body there . . . . . . THAT is the depression, itself!

That, in itself, is one separate thing to be worked on with mindfulness. You continued:

>I've been bringing mindfulness to what Tolle calls the "Pain Body" and my pain body habitually feels drained and weak—

Yes, that seems to be clearly seen. I'm not familiar with Tolle, as it happens, but it doesn't matter, because in "the language of Being," the way you are
talking about it, it sounds like he came into the same insights and discoveries through his own mindfulness practices that Perls came up with in gestalt.

And in the awareness game perspective, the mere fact that this phenomenon is *habitual* suggests that it is a function of the ego, and an example of
ego-driven personality. Whatever it is that any of us see that we are conditioned to do over-and-over again to our disadvantage is a function of the
ego in our lives.

And it's clear, because of your experience-sharing about it here, that you and I are talking about the same phenomenon when we are talking about
"depression."

Establishing that certainty of shared knowledge is an important thing, you know! Because there are many, many vague definitions of the word
"depression" floating around in highly educated circles around and about. And much of the time, when even clinicians are using the term together
they cannot be certain that they are both talking about the same thing. But . . . you and I are talking about the same thing, Bruce. I hear you. I
know, understand, and empathize with what you mean.

You finished that sentence, after that dash:

>—hopelessness and helplessnes, pesssimism and other cognitive voice overs accompany this bodily DISEase.

Yes! And that's "the other side," these "cognitive voice overs" that accompany depression. This is yet another separate subject for us to study here
together. And these voice-overs that accompany shame and depression can be compared to the thinking, thinking, thinking voice-overs that
accompany fear, loneliness, anger, jealousy, anxiety, sadness, and guilt. Along with each of these common negative emotional feelings that human
beings have, there are corresponding automatic voice-overs that pop up in the "screens" of our thinking minds.

And in each case, the palpable emotional pain of it—the existential side of it—and the obvious accompanying thinking material—the conceptual mental
side of it—are each to be observed separately, each to be worked with differently, and each to be studied separately in the awareness game. In doing
this exerise, one can clearly see that emotional feelings and thinking are two clear processes that go on separately in a person's "economy of being," so
to speak. And with mindfullness, one can put each of these phenomena on the examination table at a time, and examine each one of these ordinary
human processes separately.

You have shown me that you know and understand the difference between these two subjects of study, Bruce, and I thank you for that feedback,
which is helpful to me in orienting my approach in going on coaching with you step by step. Again:

>I become identified with that feeling, a BODILY STATE that generates thoughts of self-criticism that say in effect I'm a lazy good-for-nothing, underachieving weakling failure-loser-fop, etc.

Yes, that's the thinking mind stuff I'm talking about. Knowing you are identified with these things, seeing them on the examination table like that,
stepping back and viewing what it is a second time, can you not see that all that stuff is "only thinking?"

That is a bunch of words, a bunch of judgments, that come up automatically in your thinking when you are feeling depressed.

"Lazy?" Well, it's true that when you are being lazy, you are being lazy. You have to look at that squarely for what it is. But does that mean that you
*have to be lazy*? Is that such an intrinisic and integral part of who you really are that you are Fated to *have to be lazy* all the time, whether you
wish to be lazy or not? That is a valid question to be explored.

"Good-for-nothing?" Ha! Well, I see no signs of that in you around here so far. You are more than a good student. You are a great student. You've
found your way to a class of other great students, as well. There is no question you are holding your own here! You are a very lucky man, in my
view. Speaking of "skipping classes," you have skipped all the way from ordinary higher education into legitimate esoteric education, which you are
able to recognize and benefit-from not only here at this school, but with many great teachers in other websites available to you, as well. You have
snatched the golden key to all the Knowledge that human beings are capable of knowing (i.e. mindfulness training in all of its ways of being taught).
Frankly, I have a hard time seeing you, personally, as a "weakling failure-loser-fop, etc."

"Fop?" Far from "appearing silly in dress or manners" (Webster's), around here you wear the cloak of mindful warriorhood (awareness and
transparency) with a dignified manner, and a fresh kind of sharpness and skill all of your own. I don't remember a single moment of silliness from you,
so far. And maybe that'd be a good thing, anyway, for a change, to lighten up the air! {wide grin} I've seen Jeff, Lou, Deirdre, me, many of us be
outright silly in this class, and no harm has ever come of it so far as I know. Silly is good, I say. Go ahead, Bruce, loosen up, and *be silly around here
for once*. One of these days, show us what you've got of silly. ;-)

Those terms your thinking mind uses in habitually describing you in those pejorative ways are not only words, which have impact on your body every
time when you think them. They are also judgments. That is clear, isn't it, if you look them over. All these words are punishing judgments.

This is what is meant when it is said that depressed people are often Self-punishing in their thinking. And it *does hurt*. For now, it is a habit, a long-
standing habit, so for now, the mindful exercise I propose for you goes like this:

When you happen to wake up and realize you are thinking these kinds of self-punishing, self-critical things that you have itemized here, see if you can
step back from it in your consciousness, and realize "There it goes again!" Heh-heh. See if you can step back from it and see that, "It's only thinking."
And see if you can recognize, specifically that what you are thinking about then is "judgments."

Another step in this exercise, when you are ready for it, would be to then switch over from examining your thinking mind and its judgments with your
mindfulness, and now scope out how your body is feeling on the inside at this time. Perhaps in shiftin gyour attention over to this, you may be able to
verify first hand that it hurts, that the emotional feeling which accompanies this kind of thinking hurts (i.e. those perceptible sensations of "feeling
drained and exhausted.")

Now, this is only "being existential with it," so to speak. It is only being awake and experiencing mindfully what is going on in your thinking mind, and
then, shifting over mindfully and experiencing what is going on in your feeling body (or "Pain Body," as Tolle described it).

What is the practical good in doing this? Well, if you do do this, you will be practicing not being identified with your negative emotional feelings and
not being identified with your judgmental thinking mind. You will be practicing being free, as a mindfulness practitioner, to observe them from the side
and learn more about what they are, and how they operate within you.

With mere practice not being identified with it in this way, negative emotional feelings and judgmental thinking will begin to subside, and with
continuing practice, these will arise less and less often in your life in the first place . . . . . . But when they do re-emerge, simply do the exercise again.

There is no short-cut all the way through to the goal in this kind of work (i.e. being forever totally free). The only way is more mindfulness practice,
per se, to get better and better at that, and more mindful attention to whatever aspects of ego-driven personality you are working on at the time,
when it pops up in high relief again, to become less and less identified with that.

So you see depression when it happens, yet you know that YOU are not depression. Depression comes along. And you see self-deprecating
judgmental thinking when it happens. Yet you now that YOU are not the content of this thinking. This thinking comes along. *You* are the observer
of these phenomena that come along.

(And it would be useless for you to compare your progress in this work to the progress of others in this class, by the way, because each of us has to
work separately, in our own particular ways and at our own pace as it naturally opens up to each of us. So, work on your own Self at whatever pace
opens up to you smoothly and in a mellow fashion to do so, as, no comparison to others in this way is of any real use to any of us in this kind of a
class!) In your case, however, I can say that working on depression, or, as you once put it "Shame (inner self devaluation)" seems to me to be *an
excellent choice* for beginning a practice of transformative work on your own. This is because shame seems to have been having such an obvious
effect in curtailing and disrupting the peace and harmony of your life, and because you are keenly aware of that already.

>The cool thing I'm beginning to discover thanks to your coaching tip of "Just doing the next thing" and "Acting on golden moments of inspiration" is that . . . even though my cognitive chatter tells me I need more rest . . . I discover that the Bodily State is really a weird sort of lie--a fiction. As I FORCE myself to take action I find that I do have energy and can-do resources even though a moment earlier I felt I had Zilch!

No! It isn't that the bodily state is a lie, though I understand what you mean by calling it a "fiction." The bodily state is real, however, and you really
are feeling depression at that time. Where the lie comes in—and it is a lie, obviously, it is a fiction, as you have now seen in your own direct
experience—the lie comes in on the thinking mind side of the event. You are being depressed, and the thinking mind says "You can't do the thing."
That is the lie. The truth here is that even *when you are being depressed* you still do have the strength to get up and do the thing. And that's no
fiction, as you have seen with your own eyes. All those things that the thinking mind is saying when you are being depressed are the lies.

Do you see what I mean? And in similar fashion, for others in the class, the things that the thinking mind is saying when we are being afraid, lonely,
angry, jealous, depressed, anxious, sad, and guilty . . . . . the things the accompanying thinking mind is saying in all those emotional events are lies, too.
This is a valuable learning for everybody to see.

The reactive things that all of us start thinking about, in reaction to a powerful impact that brings up any of the negative emotional feelings in our
bodies, these things are always suspect in the awareness game. It is always good, in such circumstances, to go back and contemplate the reactive
thinking we have been doing, and try our utmost to see how it may be mistaken, even *obviously mistaken*—as so much of all this thinking that you
have been thinking about you seems "so obviously" to be mistaken, Bruce. These thoughts that you get that you are "no good" are lies. They are a
fiction.

>I'm learning not to identify with that bodily state and it's paradoxical that by accepting that bodily state of shame I no longer remain identified with it. How does acceptance of one's personality state lead to a transformation of it? free us from it?

Well, just in the way we've been talking about here. You recognize depression for what it is. You feel the way that bodily state feels. You accept it as
real. Yet you don't have to be identified with it. You see the kind of thinking that habitually comes along with that bodily state. You accept it as real.
Yet you don't have to be identified with it. Experiencing it awarely, you see it as it is. It's only emotional feeling. It's only thinking. You, the inner
awakened YOU that is observing these ordinary human processes, can *work on these things* . . . in the same way, one might say poetically, as you
could work on a garden, or on building a boat. Emotional feelings and judgmental thinking are real things in the world. You can work on them.
Heh-heh . . . and that's no lie! {big grin} And working on these things, consciously, leads to a transformation of it. Work on one's Self in these ways
is what frees us from it.

Now, along the way, in all the vigorous work that you are doing in this field at the same time now (Kindergarten classes, looking out for Doormat and
Depression on the scoreboard, morning Vipassana, scanning body, thoughts, emotions..., a disidentification exercise by Roberto Assagioli (did I leave
anything out?)—on top of that starting to read the Archives, as I'd mentioned . . . . .

Geeze! It'd take me a year to read the Archives. I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to do that in my old, old age. I hope so! I'd like to go back
through it all some day. And yes, there may be many things in the thousands of pages that are there that would be interesting and helpful to you, but
let me give you a break on that one! Maybe—especially as you have jumped into the hotseat on your own now, anyway—let the Archives go, for
now.

You are quite a student. But you seem to be going awfully fast. Do you see what I mean? Maybe you are even trying to do too much for now. Is
that possible? At times—you, the one that is grappling mainly with depression—are going a hundred miles an hour. That's hardly a characteristic of
"depression." This is an interesting paradox to study, too. And as you bring the area of "perfectionism" into the picture, I'm guessing that *does have*
an important part to play in the depression in your life. This perfectionism that you describe so well, seems to be the "speed-up mode." Then the
depression slows you way, way down. I'm glad you brought this perfectionism up. Good eye, in your over-all diagnostic work along here!

Each of our personality types is affected by the other main personality types that we have. By that I mean that what we may see of the form of one
type that we have may be substantially "colored by" the presence of another of the types in our make-up. Earlier, for instance, we've noticed how the
guilt of the Healer/Kind Helper may be playing an important role in changing the character of how the anger of the Player/Judge plays out in
Deirdre's make-up and life.

On our personality wheel, the characteristic of perfectionism is most closely associated with the Student/Believer type. This is the type that is most
keenly preoccupied with having approval, being approved of by other important people in their lives. We've seen a lot of that in Eon's relationship
with his Father, for instance. You've given us substantial clues that this may play an important role in the balance of your own make-up.

Way back on September 28th, Bruce, in "Not-so-funny Stuff," you seemed to be feeling that the Doormat, the Martyr, and the Kind Helper appeared
to be primary types for you. I had noticed plenty of Doormat music. And I *had* noticed some refrains of Martyr and Kind Helper in you, too, and in
that very posting, as well.

I always tell newer students to notice whatever it is that they notice, and keep on observing, because often the first impressions that they are correct
about when they begin a process of Self-observation, don't finally turn out to be their "primary three," so to speak. Remember that all of us do all
eight of these types now and then. So on a given day, the types we notice may not be the types that are the most prevalent in our daily make-up
when these patterns are observed over a longer period of time.

I'm satisfied that the Doormat is an automatic, obvious pick for working on, in your personal transformational practice. But I'm not as convinced of
what the other two main types in your make-up are. That uncertainty is what I was referring to when I've spoken about "putting together the jigsaw
puzzle" recently.

So I think I'll take a break at this point in this evening's class. I'll have more to say about Doormat thinking next time (I'll be "hammering on that one"
with you for awhile, if you'll indulge me some more, please, in that.) And in the meantime you (and classmates here) might go back and look over the
game-tapes of your postings here in Classroom talk from last September 28th up to now, and see what you can pick up on of any refrains of Dictator,
Con-Artist, Judge, Rebel, or Believer music that may be in there that haven't been called to attention so far.

We've heard plenty of Doormat, and some Martyr and some Kind Helper that we've noticed in those tapes so far. Are there any other types that you
notice sounding off along there? If you other students are following along with what I'm doing here with Bruce right now, do this game-tape review
as an independent study of your own to see what you can catch-on-to and see.

In the meantime, I'll continue with this series of classes on shame without needing any more feedback right now. However, if that hotseat does get
uncomfortable, Bruce, and you'd like to take a break for awhile and spend some time on your own absorbing the coaching that's been shared here
already, *please let me know at any point* and we'll turn that light of a thousand candles in another direction for awhile.

Thank you all, and thanks to you, Bruce. I'll get on with my end of it in a day or two.

Coach

Oh, yeah, the relationship between shame and depression. Shame is like a brief, mini-depression. All of us experience shame now and then, when we
fail at something that seems embarrassing. That happens to all of us. We all make some bad mistakes. We all make some embarrassing blunders. And
we feel ashamed about it when we do. It's natural. Depression is an extension of these little episodes of shame. Depression is when shame becomes
chronic.

All of us experience shame from time to time, and even depression once in a great while. The difference between the Doormat and the other seven
types on the wheel is that the Doormat is the type that tends most to take these little embarrassing events *personally*. The others will say: "I made a
mistake. I blew it. I feel embarrassed." Doormats will say: "*I am the mistake*. I am unworthy. I am a failure."

It is the mistaken belief that this inner self-devaluation is really true that makes a Doormat a Doormat. In the Doormat's view, it *is really true*! I say it
isn't! Sometimes, by studying a little of a person's childhood history, we can recognize with fair certainty how it is that the person with a Doormat in
their make-up came to have this mistaken belief in the first place. That's what I'd like to attempt to put some light on in a third class in this series that
I've got outlined in my mind, when I get to that point, and respond to your answers to my two questions. But I've still got the second class in this
series to get done before we'll be ready to get to that.

Geeze, the war seems to be going awful at this point, doesn't it, Folks? Seems like the Bush team may be making some big mistakes without realizing it.
I think of you all the time, Rakesh, when I'm watching the news, a few times seeing CNN footage from your own city, wondering what it's being like
for you, being a reporter and aware of it all around you, being *so close* there to the epicenter of emerging possible international disaster, and all the
ramifications this has for you and your Family and People. My heart is with you.

Follow Ups:

Continue with Fall 2001 Classroom Talk or
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Archived 01/08/2002