Classroom Talk
Fall 2001 Archive
I'd like to set one thing straight, please. Posted by John on November 16, 2001 at 19:33:26:
Thanks for the condolences, Folks. I've gotten through the crying, but I'm still being depressed (cf. the exhaustion and lack of energy that Bruce has
been describing so well). I had the *hardest* time getting down here to the keyboard this afternoon. But now that I'm here I'm feeling better.
There's one thing I need to get straight here, please. It's easy to forget that Bruce is "the new kid on the block." And even though it may not be
obvious to all the rest of you, he has been following all my instructions in sharing more and more about his situation during these recent weeks. He's
been doing that extremely well. He's been following my instructions *to the letter* . . . even not posting for quite awhile here lately, following my
request for that. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for him to hold off posting now, but he's bravely doing what I've asked. Lou can empathize with that,
I'm sure, admiringly. It's not easy to walk into a new group and know how to "fit in." And it's very possible that he is feeling awful right now,
thinking he may have somehow "disrupted" the flow of the class.
Bruce, that's NOT what has happened! And I'm proud of you for hanging in with me in this long exercise. It's not because of you that I've been
spending so much time on this exercise—though that would be impossible without your cooperation, and your gutsy perseverence in the hotseat. I'm
doing it this way because this is so important to *me*! As I've said, it's the best opportunity I've ever had around here to give everybody a whole *
demonstration* of the way that I use the wheelbook, step by step, to patiently factor-out *any person's* principle personality types.
If I can get this key exercise finished, it would hardly matter if I went "belly-up" the next day. For there would be one clear coherent demonstration
here in Classroom Talk that the rest of you could extrapolate from, a model that would enable you all to go on with this kind of diagnostic work
together *without me*.
No, I'm not fixing to die yet. But it is true that one characteristic of my work in this class is that I'm always working towards making my services as
Coach *dispensible* to the rest of you. Do you understand what I mean? I'm longing for the day when you Folks don't need me any more to go on
working independently on your own with the methods of this approach . . . for as long as you care to do so in your lives. (And I don't mean I'll quit
when we reach that day either. I'll still hang around for the friendships and fun of it for me, the caring that extends around the world among us, and
the love. But it's only when we have reached that point where I am completely dispensible to all of you that I will be completely satisfied with my own
life's work.) And the completion of this "putting the jigsaw puzzle together" exercise that I'm doing with Bruce will be a giant step in that direction.
Heh-heh. I notice there's a little "perfectionism" in that dream. Both depression and perfectionism are characteristics to work on that I share,
personally, with our newest newcomer in this class. So these things don't just "go away" when we learn about them. It takes ongoing work on one's
Self—the transformative work of a lifetime, indeed.
I love ya', Sally. You know that. You are a great Can-Do Woman! But you are . . . tough. I think you know that, too. You can be pretty tough with
other people at times (cf. Dictator). And I think that's what's happening here. Sometimes, when the voice-overs in your thinking mind are telling you
that others of us are being "lame," so to speak, you are underestimating the hard work that we are doing, and the progress that is being made. If that
happens, it's "only personality" getting in your way.
>I was tired of reading your timely responses to Bruce, and he (at that point) he seemd to be still complaining and putting himself down etc.
The tough demands of the Dictator, the showing-off of the Con Artist, the punishing sarcasm of the Judge, the reckless, fuck-all independence of the
Rebel, the putting one's Self down of the Doormat, the dependence on others' approval of the Believer, the suffering need for getting loved in return
of the Martyr, and the worrying compulsion to do too much for others of the Kind Helper—these things don't just dissolve when we know about
them, no matter how timely and poignant my responses about it may be. It takes work, a prolonged period of dedicated and mindful work to have
these personality patterns begin to lighten-up in a student's life.
I hope some day—not yet, though, please—Bruce will share his credentials with the rest of us. I have no doubt we will be impressed. If Bruce were a
Con Artist (not likely), he'd have shared his credentials with us from the very start . . . to impress us. When he tells us how he's been occupying his
life this year, it will be "the icing on the cake," so to speak. We are going to say: "How in the world could such a man have such a low evaluation of
himself?"
But that's the very point, you see! These habitual, conditioned personality types don't die easily! (cf. "Unless you die to your personality . . ., etc.)
This is the amazing thing to discover and really grok. How is it possible for us to truck along in our lives with these personality types we have, when
we really don't need them, they bring about most of our suffering, and they only get in our way. But we *believe in* our personality types. We think
we couldn't get along without them. We think there's nothing that we can do about them. Bruce has gone on for many years thinking there's nothing
he can do about his Doormat patterns (or his other main types, as well). This is one of the reasons that Bruce's joining our group is such a gift to all
the rest of us . . . because there is such a blatant discrepancy between who he really is and what he can do, and what he thinks his life has to go on
being about.
I think one of the reasons that you haven't been willing to "cut him much slack," Sally, is that Dictators have a hard time cutting other people slack.
Dictators want to just get the thing done, get it over with, get it handled! Do it now! And you don't seem to have Doormat in your own make-up, so
it's harder for you to empathize with the kind of stuck situation that Bruce has gotten himself into. When Doormats complain and put themselves
down, Dictators say: "I don't want to hear about it!" It's personality. Lou (and some others in class) can empathize more easily with Bruce because he
shares some of the characteristics, especially on the "speedster" side.
But again, that's the point of this jigsaw puzzle exercise. It's for those of you who *don't* share any of Bruce's primary types, so you can discover that
these patterns, too, exist in the world, and become intimately familiar with them. They are real. Classroom Talk gives you all opportunities to find out
about human personality patterns that you aren't familiar with in your own experience. In that sense, this exercise is for those of you who've never
realized that Doormatism is *a real factor* in human society, so you can realize that "Whew!" some people get caught up in Doormatism *to that great
extent*, NOT because they are really unworthy, but simply because that is what the acquired personalities that they have grown up with are like.
Doormatism is not only real, it is the guiding habitual force in the lives of one out of eight of us, and to a lesser extent, where it is one of an individual's
"big three" in their make-up, it controls the direction of the lives of about one out of every three of us ordinary humans in the ordinary human
condition.
The cause is not hopeless . . . for a mindfulness practitioner. This *can be changed*. It starts with recognition (transparency) and understanding, and
it is done by some months, sometimes even years, of transformative work on one's Self. Bruce has been doing a lot of this work. He's been making
progress that I can see and understand all the way. I think we are going to get through to "pay-dirt" with this exercise . . . . . . just as Lou has gotten
through to pay-dirt working on his speedster patterns. That didn't happen over-night. But the progress, even in Lou's latest postings, is *evident*!
But he's tracking awarely with his own process now.
And you, Sally—bless your heart—were NOT telling me "Drop dead" this time. But you know, and I know, that you've been pretty hard on me at
times in the past. Heh-heh. You *have* told me "Drop dead," or words to that effect, on a few long-ago occasions you might remember.
>You are taking up alot of my energy...
This time, even though my handling of the exercise with Bruce has apparently "rubbed you the wrong way," you've been able to get off of it in a flash.
The progress is evident! The "old Sally" might have had a few more salty words for me, or for Lou, this time. Guess what? You *have grown*,
m'dear. The rest of the class knows this, too. LoL. And I'm proud of you for it. And that growth, that mellowing of . . . remember? You used to
call it "the Bitch" when you were the one sitting in the hotseat! . . . that mellowing of the Bitch hasn't happened over-night, either. Personal growth of
this kind is a slow, yet hopefully steady, process.
But, aren't you being awfully hard on the new kid here, Sal?
>If anything is "hurting" me it is that you take so much time with certain people, and still you can't win.
I don't see it that way. I feel that I *have been* winning, all the way along, with all of you students who persevere in coming to these classes, as well
as with Bruce. Laying a foundation, laying a foundation . . . I go on winning all the way. I have never expected that victory would be easy. I have
never felt that I was losing because transformation of the ego-driven personality doesn't happen over-night.
You never had to go through the ordeal of being the new kid around here, Sally, because you were one of the first ones to participate in this training.
Try to put yourself in Bruce's position. Try to imagine how Bruce is feeling, hearing these remarks you have been making.
Now, I KNOW that you only say these things because you think it is for the good—for the good of the class, and for Bruce's own good. He hears
that you're a "tough drill Sergeant," all right. You want him to stop wavering about Doormatism, and just get it handled, right now. That's music that
goes with one of the types on our wheel, the type that holds the fixed voice-over saying "The best way to make it happen is by giving *direct orders*!
"Do it! Do it now!"
You seem to me to be coming from the Dictator position in these postings . . . with the idea that *being in control* of Doormatism is the way to heal
that long-standing habituated condition. I wish that would work. We could throw away all the complicated subtleties of the awareness game, and
just order people to step aside from their conditioning and be free of their conditioning, be dynamic, and loving.
I've spent a lot of focused individual time, not only with Bruce, but with most of you who have been around here in this class. Think back, and you'll
remember that. And still I "can't win," you say. That's just a voice-over that accompanies the Dictator type, turning step-by-step victory into sudden
defeat. It's just a mistaken attitude that's bringing you that pain. It's an attitude that unless it's handled immediately by force, unless victory is
achieved right away by making it happen on the spot, no progress is being made.
I think there's an important lesson for you in this. If you happen to wake up along your path and find that you are being "pretty hard" on somebody
you're relating with at that time, try to pause and reflect awarely, if you can, and contemplate: "Is forcing it really the best thing for me to be doing
here?"
I accept your explanations re the Mellow Fellow, and re Deirdre without questions. I simply wasn't understanding where you were coming from. No
harm. Your "finder work," as always, is very strong, and competent. As for Douglas, I think we were all sensing real pain for you there. As far as
being glad that he isn't still around so he doesn't have to "put up with being rubbed the wrong way by this shit," so to speak, I don't know about that.
I've gone on teaching as if imagining that he, too, might be benefitting in the things I'm sharing about, if he still might take a seat in the Bleachers now
and then. I miss your old buddy, Douglas. It just didn't seem to be his time for this kind of work. And I wouldn't be surprised if you miss having his
participation here, and miss him, deeply, too. Perhaps we have both lost dear friends. My sympathy to you for that.
There's another little lesson for Bruce here that I might point out. Dictators, Con Artists, Judges, Rebels, Doormats, Believers, Martyrs, and Kind
Helpers ALL rub *certain other people* the wrong way. This happens without our realizing it. But if we are learning to watch the process of life, we
can discover that this is true. Doormats especially rub Dictators and Judges the wrong way, and *draw* stingers from them. The Dictators simply
want Doormats to "get on the stick," as you have reacted here, Sally. Judges, that is a whole other story. The very nature of Doormatism, the *music
of it* rubs Judges the wrong way severely, and it brings out a meanness in them. Playing the Doormat with a Dictator brings out a demand to "Shape
up!" Playing the Doormat with a Judge can *draw* harsh judgments, ridicule, and punishment. This is something to contend with in a Doormat's life,
so it is important to know about this. Most of the harsh judgments, sarcasm, ridicule, and punishments that Doormats experience in their lives is *
stimulated* in Judges by the music of playing the Doormat. It's an automatic knee-jerk reaction. When Doormats tell Judges that they are unworthy,
the Judges are likely to tell them: "And you don't know the half of it, how unworthy you are." In short, putting yourself down, playing the Doormat
DRAWS punishment.
I'm sure you have seen this with some other people in your life, Bruce. This is the explanation. It's just their personality. If we sent off to Central
Casting in Hollywood to get somebody else to stand in for you in your life, anybody else, the Judges would still be reacting exactly that same way. So
you really don't have to take it personally! It's just the Judge's normal personality pattern. It's *automatic* with them.
The strategic answer to this, in the awareness game, is to recognize those people who are judgmental and punishing with you, and practice having the
presence of mind not to put yourself down with them anymore. If you stop putting yourself down, most of their judgments would fade away.
And the question of whether their judgments about you are right . . . . well, I hope you've learned enough in this class by now to KNOW that—no
matter what anybody else might say—you aren't unworthy after all! Believing the people who've been telling you that has been believing in a bunch of
"wind-up dolls" who can't (without mindfulness and transformational training) do it any other way! They can't help it. But you can stop taking them
seriously any more.
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>you lost a great friend in Rolf. Try to remember—his energy is still with you.
Thanks for your kind help and healing here, Deirdre. This illustrates a point I made the other day, that when we hear Healer/Kind Helper music,
worrying about how a fellow soul is getting through the day, it usually comes along with treating and healing. I appreciate your treatment here. I *am
finding* his energy is still with me!
Realizing the person who is stinging you is hurting underneath that may not be a "cure-all" panacea. Yet it helps. Imagine, hypothetically, that one of
your kids stings you bad on some occasion. Is it not helpful if you can wake up on it right away and realize—before answering back—my child must
really be hurting inside, or else this stinger wouldn't be happening to me now?
Realizing that might give you some stability, with your feet on the ground, to pause and really catch-on to your anger (or whatever the emotional
reaction) before you reply. Perhaps your reply might be: "I'm really hurt about this now, but please tell me what you are hurting that much about."
Or, if you know what they are hurting about already: " . . . but I know and understand that you are hurting, too."
No, you didn't sting me at all, Deirdre. But thanks for reflecting about that anyway, and your contrition (even in innocence).
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Lou, the things I just said to you may have been a little misleading. I didn't mean to suggest that you "did it wrong." I thought you did a pretty good
job of it. Asking Sally to reflect about what emotional feelings might have been around, makes perfect sense. But, although correct, that was sort of
"everyday shop talk about the training" around here, so to speak. It didn't show a personal note of caring about her pain.
I think you were aware of wishing to add a personal note at the end—aware that "something was lacking"—when you added the friendly salutation at
the end of your post.
What I like is that you were able to sit with my remarks like a brick in your lap, and reflect about it. Instead of giving an immediate justification for the
way you handled that post, you were modest enough to try to see how it could have been improved upon.
And there was a certain element of "danger" in the situation—as you noted—where Rebel talking to Rebel always risks provoking over-sensitivity. I
had been afraid that might happen. But, thanks to "the new Sally," it didn't.
>I proceeded to put her in her place.
Yes. You weren't intending that, I'm sure. Yet by only "talking shop" about the training with her so "matter-of-factly," she *might have* taken it that
way, without more personal expression of awareness and empathy for her seeming pain at that time. Technically, that possibly "scolding" tone you
took was a slight stinger. Thankfully, she didn't take it that way and react.
>Sally I've missed you in class, you seem to be feeling down, how can I help?
Perfect! Then, in the next response to her you might have suggested she might try to get in touch with whatever emotional feeling was involved.
As for the "small piece of mindfulness training" post:
>I remember feeling I could be messing up the space there that coach was leaving for Bruce to set with his brick (which I must add it seems did and has done a much better job than I did early on).
I'm glad you added that parenthetical addition, which may encourage Bruce, and help him to understand that he IS fitting in with what we are all
doing here.
And, again, I'm pleased to see you able to sit with this idea and be reflective about your participation that way. If your "small piece" was something
that took us off in some entirely different direction, it might have been distracting at just that point. But no big deal, if so. And, of course, I could
have said "Let me take this up after I've finished this jigsaw puzzle exercise," or something like that.
As it happened, I felt like your "training" amplified some of the things I'd said before, and broadened our class perspective of what was going on at
that time. So it seemed appropriate to me, and helpful to at least some of us. I don't blame you for being excited about that piece. It seems like the
farther you go along, the better able you become to express about transformational work accurately, and in a language and style all your own.
>But I was easily able to justify my sharing on the grounds of how well it tied in with what Coach was doing.
Yeah, you were right. I didn't feel that post interfered with the exercise with Bruce at all. The nice thing was that I could enjoy it without feeling any
pressure that I had to make any response to it at all. Your progress in not being dependent on approval any more made that possible for me.
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Bruce, if you feel like posting any comments on the things covered in this class today, please feel free to do so. You have been most patient, indeed! If
you don't mind, I'd appreciate your holding off on comments on the jigsaw puzzle exercise for awhile longer. But as we've been "talking about you"
here in class this week and today, you deserve a chance to put in your comments about this, if you wish to.
Coach
Next week is Thanksgiving. After working in the country this weekend, I'll have Monday through Wednesday off, and then I'll have to be working
long shifts every day from Thanksgiving Thursday through next Sunday. I hope to make some progress continuing with the jigsaw puzzle exercise
during the early part of next week.
But, as far as I'm concerned, any of you can feel free of course to take a long week's Thanksgiving Vacation from Classroom Talk next week, if you
feel like it. I hope we all will be enjoying the Big Day.
.
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