Classroom Talk
Winter 2002 Archive
The emergence of . . . "the hotbench." ;-) Posted by John on March 12, 2002 at 14:50:12:
Seems we have more of a "hotbench" going on here now than a "hotseat," with so many interesting questions from different ones of you around the
room. It's more like "a group." Let me see if I can weave some of all this together during the course of this week.
>It is my current NOW experience that 'others' don't want me to look 'here' - I suppose they don't care if I look 'here' but definitely don't want me to tell them about it.
Yes, you're right, Pauline. Other people usually have no interest in hearing us tell about the things that we are studying about in this class. And it's
better not to even try to tell them about it, if they aren't interested. The transmission of this knowledge can only flow in the direction of those who
are indeed interested and who do care about it, anyway. So, trying to tell others than those about it is a waste of time. (I'm not sure if I've taken
your meaning right here.)
You never have to explain to other people what you are doing by referring to this or other teachings as the explanation for what you are doing, or a
"justification" for your using strategies of the awareness game, for instance. Just use the strategies, without any explanation, is what I'm coaching.
For instance, if someone gets in your face, wake up and use a non-committal phrase, like "I hear you." instead of allowing your Self to get
unconsciously drawn into an argument with them. ("I hear you" doesn't fight with them, and doesn't surrender to them either. It merely
acknowledges that you have heard what they have had to say. But you don't need to tell them that.)
And with any of these awareness game strategies—you don't have to explain any of them to people for them to work. Just try them out, and see how
they work without explanation. Go on and look to the here-and-now, and honestly share what you experience of the here-and-now. And leave it at
that.
I'm still not at all sure I've understood your questions here. Maybe I'm mixed up about what you mean. So maybe you might like to give me a few
more details of the actual situation that you are referring to there.
>Does this lead up to spending life alone, because I have alienated those around me who prefer my conditioned self
Gee, this is a very good question, just in the second part of it alone . . . what to do about people who prefer your conditioned Self. I can get to
discussing how to not spend life alone a little later, if you ask me to.
It's sort of a pet idea of this training that a student has a right to make his or her own decisions about whether to live in their ego-driven behavior or
their essential strengths and talents. To allow other people to make these decisions for you is to "give one's power away to them," so to speak, and to
be "controlled by them."
I don't think that being a Dictator or being a Con Artist are the conditioned patterns you are referring to, Pauline. You don't mean that they don't
want you to stop being "pushy" with them, or "taking advantage of them." If it were the Judge (which you might have a big helping of, along with
your obvious and abundant sense of humor) that would mean the parties in question didn't want you to stop judging and punishing them. And I
don't think that's what you mean, either.
Is it the Rebel, then, that they want to preserve of your old ways? Hardly. I think the fundamental nature of your situation is one in which the other
parties have *not* been being rejected by you. The nature of your behavior towards them is the *opposite of rejecting them!" It is a situation in which
you seem unable to reject them . . . . . unable, so far, to assert for *your way*, assert for the things that you would like, to be a fair part of the whole
arrangement that you have together.
Moving now to the passive hemisphere of the wheel: you might be talking about the personality patterns of the Doormat. Aha. I think this is what
you mean, in fact. You are saying that others around you want you to keep on being a Doormat, because they want to go on being able to push you
around, control you and tell you what you can and can't do in your life? Is that it? Something like that?
If that has something to do with the situation you are looking at, I can think of three possible considerations: 1) remaining stuck "enslaved" in the
same situation, by your own volition . . . . . or, 2) "speaking up" about what you would like and care for as changes, so that you would feel more
willing to go along with the situation . . . . . or else, if that diplomacy fails to bring more satisfaction into your life, 3) "diving for the space," shuffling
the cards for a whole new deal in life. That is a bargaining card that any man or woman has an innate human right to play in all personal situations
(and *righteously* so!), if that's what it takes to be free enough to be fully human and fulfilled in life. (Sometimes or often in our society, this takes the
form of "divorce.") I'm for that, *when it's the only way*.
If you have been too passive, and you have allowed your Self to be pushed into a subservient role where you are doing too much for other people
who are taking advantage of your being stuck in that role . . . . . that is an unhealthy situation all the way around. It isn't healthy for you because it
cuts you off from fulfillment of your own potential in life as a whole human person. And it isn't healthy for them because it prevents them from
becoming "self-reliant." It atrophies the personal strength that they are entitled to in growing up to be mature adults. That is, it prevents them from
developing their own resources in being able to relate confidently with life with their own strengths and qualities.
To accomplish that crucial development, each child of us, as we are growing up, needs to take as much care of our own selves as we can, without
depending upon being taken care of and slavishly served by our parents. The more we do of taking care of ourselves on our own as we are growing
up . . . the smoother we will develop satisfactions as young adults, and the farther we will go. Of course, this is a matter of balance. Parents are
indeed supposed to help their children in certain ways, up to the point where they can begin helping themselves, yet not too much after that.
I think this theme that we've talked about and you've worked with before—the topic of "speaking up"—is a big key in the possible harmonizing of
your life, Pauline. That's my strongest hunch so far. Speaking up, and being awake and transparently human gives you a shot at re-molding your
present situation into something new that is satisfactory to everyone all the way around. There might, possibly, be a "give-and-take" way of resolving
all this. (For example: "Maybe I can handle doing C. and D. for you. But I need A. and B. for me.")
>....and [does this speaking up mean I have to be] alone?
Well, if you continue yielding to being taken advantage of, and being disregarded and ignored in terms of the things that matter the most to you, the
things that would give you satisfaction . . . . . are you not already kind of "alone," so to speak, without making any changes, in persevering with
putting up with that?
Do they give you "the silent treatment" when you stick up for your own rights? What happens?
Perhaps you could tell me a little bit more about what it is that is happening. "What are the people doing here" in the scenario you are facing? (You
can write "a fictitious analogy" of the situation, if you prefer to be private about anything in particular. Or ask me about it in the Coach's Office if you
have privacy concerns, and I can generalize in an ambiguous way in discussing it here in class.
And . . . if you'd like me to, Pauline, I'd be glad to give you some dynamic strategies here in class for not being alone in the world. There are others
around here who could take a look at this, too. So, I'll be waiting on that one for instructions from you. Speak up, please, if you wish to. Don't
hesitate. You've got an inalienable right around here to speak up in behalf of you.
Coach
Douglas's recent bit of escape artistry? Deirdre's recent concern about expressing anger? Etc., etc. Coming soon, as I move on around the circular
hotbench during the rest of this week.
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Archived 05/02/2002