Classroom Talk
Winter 2002 Archive
Back again Posted by Pauline on March 15, 2002 at 00:04:47:
In Reply to: Yes, there is both "wise" and "foolish" speaking up. posted by John on March 14, 2002 at 17:16:42:
Hi Coach,
back once again.
>>You are "very quiet" about speaking up most of the time.
One of my Dad's many favorite expressions was "Empty vessels make the
most noise" - and he was the perfect demonstration !!!
>>But, you're a grown up Kiddee now! You aren't that helpless little
girl that you once were back then!
New skills remain unknown and unless sought out nothing changes.
>>I agree with you that these Family members who have been close to you
for years now are not very good people for you to be practicing speaking
up.
We haven't been close for years..... most of us have barely spoken,
certainly we have met face to face very very infrequently....perhaps 2-3
times in 30 years. So our family of origin caused us to all go our
separate ways with little care for each other's well being. Now my
sister's illness, I am the closest to her physically, has re-acquainted
me with her. She wouldn't know my children, now 31 hers. 25 hers. 21
hers. 20 hers and 18 hers. if she met them in the street. Has never
enquired about their life.
>> Certainly, it's better to say nothing with your sister going through
chemotherapy. I'm awful sorry to hear about that. If she has her own
reasons or beliefs for feeling unrealistically optimistic, I wouldn't
coach speaking up and taking that away from her, of course! In fact, I'd
coach being *insincere* with her on purpose about that, and *supporting*
her hopes for the best.
I think she would be wiser to not blindly follow the advice of her
'specialists' who have in fact told her she is a guinea pig case.
I just keep my family informed of her treatment options/health etc. etc.
>I find it very hard to communicate with them on any meaningful level
because we are basically coming from very different premises.
>If I want to have any kind of relationship with them I have to pretend
I am the same. I have to pretend I came from reasonably, healthy
parents, who did the best
they could !!!
.
>>But I still say that all of our parents—sleeping people that they are,
with their own destructive conditioned ego-driven personalities—*did* do
the best they could, so to speak.
Yes and I with my five children I did the best I could at the time
etc.etc. But I wouldn't give a puppy to my father to take care of and I
really think a mother's and father's job is to protect their children
and my mother failed badly here. No doubt I have failed badly at times
also, but my children were never at risk due to violent behaviors.
>>As bad as their behavior was—and as angry as we may be about
it—lacking the tools and specialized training to see their
Selves as you can see that now, what else could they do but go on and on
being stuck in their sleep, repeating their own habitual wounding ways
over and over again? They didn't know of any way to change. Some of us
will even be able to forgive our parents in our lifetimes, understanding
that.
Funnily enough I do forgive them. In a psychodrama I once did I told my
father that he never gave us the chance to love him. Sure my parents
ways were acted out in ignorance but it still in no way whatsoever makes
their ways O.K.
Sometimes when I ring my sister I can't bear to hear her talk ME. ME. ME
anymore. And she does remind me of my father in her controlling and
demanding ways.
>>Yet, it isn't as though you are "supposed to be" close pals with any
of them. Instead of seeking to have relationships with these
people—with whom the possibilities for sincere relationship seem so
remote—maybe you should look for the warmer relationships in your life
with other people than these.
Yes. Phil McGraw, Life Strategist,a frequent guest on the Oprah show,
has done a series of workshops on parental legacies. I taped the shows
to watch once again at leisure. They were very good.
>>If a person feels like he or she is being too much alone, one
practical way of approaching that would be to start following some new
and different trails for a change—different than the trails one has
become routinely "stuck in." Change the mix for a change. Practice being
with some other people instead.
The best relationships, after all, will turn out to be with those people
that *you feel drawn to*, naturally, the people that you feel you'd like
to be friends with spontaneously and with some excitement, people with
whom you feel sincerely motivated, inwardly, to say to them: "I'd like
to get to know you."
>>Usually a person has to look outside their Family to find the
companionship they deserve, the companionship that fulfills their wishes
for warm company in this life. In other words, maybe it would be good to
get out more to places, go to places where things are going on that
sound interesting to you, and actively create the opportunities to meet
other men and women to size-up as potential friends and companions. And
when you do spot someone that looks promising that way, all you have to
do is (ta-dah!!!) *speak up*, and just say: "I'd like to get to know
you." (I can coach you more on this, if you'd like.)
Sounds good.
This weekend, it is now Friday night here, and I have a particularly
busy weekend. Next week I will be asking how to say "No" to a new
"guy" friendship of sorts, but one that I don't care to persue anymore.
thanks
Pauline.
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