Classroom Talk
Winter 2002 Archive
About a merciful way to reject cleanly. Posted by John on March 15, 2002 at 10:43:11:
In Reply to: Back again posted by Pauline on March 15, 2002 at 00:04:47:
Thanks for your gentle forebearance with me, Pauline, in my mistaken remarks about you speaking up to your ailing sister. I should have kept my
own mouth shut there. I should have *known* a person like you would have a darned good reason for speaking up in a situation like that, such as
warning her against making up her mind too quickly on that guinea-pig treatment.
"Should have" . . . "Should have. . . ." Aha. I feel guilty about that. ;-)
>It is funny and mysterious to me why I have waited so long for outside permission to 'respect myself'.
I think it's just that you got scared out of that by your Father when you were a little girl, and felt helpless because your Mother behaved that way.
I see in your decision about that "guy" you know that you may be getting ready to try some other new trails. That sounds like a good move to me.
If that poor fellow (for missing out on a chance with someone as neat as you) isn't the person who "rings your bells," that isn't the fault of either one of
you. It's just reality in the real world—just another reality to be recognized. And acknowledging reality is fundamentally where our whole training is
at. The "winner" in the awareness game is the person who follows reality the farthest. And my idea here is to attempt to coach you to follow one
reality after another reality all the way to the warm companionship that you are wishing for.
I once had a student here in Tucson long ago who was having a terrible time rejecting guys who were eager to go out with her at first sight, and often
wanted, too persistently, to be her boyfriend when she did go out with them—although she didn't find she was being that interested in them. This
was a gentle and loving soul, and it tore her up inside to hurt their feelings for nothing worse than being so attracted to her. She was one of those
people who "have a hard time saying 'No.'" (i.e. Kind Helper, and guilt). And she found her Self letting men manipulate her and take advantage of her
over that powerful personality vulnerability.
I resolved to find a one-liner for her (and to put on the Candid Non-Manipulative Communications list, to cover this common kind of a situation). I
pondered this for a week without coming up with anything. I figured it might be too hard for a man to put himself in that woman's position. Of
course, as all of the men in this class know, the most awful, terrible words that any of us guys ever have to hear as we are growing up and growing
older in this world is:
"You're a great guy, but . . . I don't feel 'that way' about you."
Aaarghh! That rejection is the worst rejection of them all! But, what is a woman to do, after all, when she *has to* speak up in that dreadful situation?
And yes, I insist, you *do* have to speak up in this situation! I tried to approach my task by figuring out how I would most like to be given a "Dear
John" like this. But that didn't work. There is no way that us guys are gonna like that. But women just have to face up to reality anyway, and do
what has to be done. Don't ask me how, I thought back then.
But at the next class, that student, one of the brightest with the awareness game, had come up with *a beauty* on her own!
"I am not your person."
Do you see the greatness of that? The whole underlying idea of non-manipulative communication is to speak from your own sphere of experience,
and "not put it on the other person."
This phrase doesn't put the guy down in any way, doesn't say the guy isn't sexy, or isn't attractive, or isn't fun, or impressive, or isn't a wonderful
catch, indeed, for *somebody* in the world out there. It merely says that the woman *knows* in her own experience of her own Being that she is not
the person he is looking for. "With all your wonderful qualities, I am not the one that you are looking for. It isn't me."
Even though he's probably gonna cry anyway (lost love situation) when he's alone later, a guy doesn't get this hard-to-take news any more mercifully
than that, I think. I've taught that phrase to many since then, and often gotten feedback that it "worked like a charm." I've used it, too, in various
situations. Of course, the phrase fits perfectly in other parallel social and business situations, too.
And thus, one can dive for the space as cleanly as possible under the circumstances, and open up the broader space of *all possibilities* once again.
Coach
I've been working all week on a long "hot bench" posting, trying to weave together responses to a bunch of stuff that's going on now with a bunch of
you that have posted recently. It's in many pieces right now. I'll try to get the continuity of that worked out soon, and hope it will be fun to see, and
interesting, and, of course . . . . . productive.
In the meantime, see y'all later . . . and hope you have a great weekend!
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