Classroom Talk
Winter 2002 Archive
Might this be "Rebel music" I'm hearing??? Posted by John on March 20, 2002 at 22:49:28:
In Reply to: Re: Sometimes we have a game. Sometimes the game's "got us." posted by Student John on March 20, 2002 at 14:39:24:
>When golf's got me, I often "give up?.
Doormat gives up? Rebel rejects?
>Stop playing!! That'll teach it. *&%$#@#$
This sounds like "Rebel music." Rebels stop playing and "go on strike." "That'll teach it" sounds very Rebel to me.
>Of course golf couldn't care less if I play or not
Yes, hee-hee! And here you are playing an ego-driven personality role with "a person who isn't there," so to speak, the game of golf. Good for you,
in your insightful viewing of it. You can "step back from it in awareness," so to speak, and study your own conditioned Self playing out that way
before your very eyes.
>(I miss my golfing friends), and I usually pick it up again.
Here's one of those emotions we've been talking about. "I miss my friends." If you wake up when you are missing your friends, and feel in your body
at that time, you may catch a glimpse of "that empty feeling" that I refer to as loneliness. Loneliness brings some of us out to be with our friends.
That's good!
And perhaps you can use that in that exercise I explained. If you realize the really important thing for you is to be among your friends, the issue of the
score you make in playing that day may not be so darned important to you. So they beat you? So what? What's a missed putt, but a green light on
to the next difficult putt, and another beautiful stroke of the putter? But you are playing a new kind of golf game there, heh-heh, the game of actually
enjoying playing golf—one difficult lie and one beautiful swing at a time. — Anyway, that's the ol' Coach's notion of it, Student John. ;-) It's an
absurd thing to do, I admit.
>Yesterday in the face of my grandson's rebelliousness I gave up, walked away . . . . .
That seems like a Rebel dance of your own there, John. The Rebel walks away. The Rebel slams the door behind. The Rebel rejects. If you are
correct in your observation of your grandson—and I'll bet you are—this could be . . . ta-dah! . . . Rebel against Rebel goin' on here in this movie, both
Rebels rejecting each other back and forth. Could that be what's happening?
>but I continued that distance thru this morning to punish him. Yeh, that'll work for both of us.
Okay, so there is "punishing anger" going on here, too, typical of the Judge. But it seems that most of the music here is, again, the Rebel. You are
rejecting him to "spite him," so to speak. He's "spoiling the beauty" for you, so you'll do what you can to "spoil the beauty" back for him. Isn't that the
gist of it? You are "getting back at him?" so to speak.
I don't say, by the way, that any of these are your "three primary types" of personality on the wheel. I only note that these are my impressions of
what's going down with you this time. And I don't blame either of you for what's going on, by the way. I don't know. But I do seem to see some
personality going on along here.
>I hate waking up in a cycle that I keep going thru.
Yeah, I can feel for you on that one alright! A bunch of other students in this class have said that same thing in the past. Well, the theory of this
approach is that you only have to go through that long enough to see how the lay of the land is with your ego-driven personality. Before you can
take many steps to do much about it, you have to become somewhat familiar with your types and experience the ways they play out in your life. But
the good news in this type of training is that there is progress. When you do start waking up on them, they have usually already happened. And
there is consternation in seeing this, as you suggest.
But once you start waking up on them, as you are *understanding them*, they lose some of the conditioned power they have over you. You are
starting to "see through" them. And before long, you wake up *while it is going on* while you still have a chance not to play it that way that caused
you consternation before. (For instance, you are just about to stalk off and leave your grandson rejected for one of those prolonged heated periods,
and you manage to play it differently this time. You play it in a way that is accepting of him. And, if he's capable of catching on, you play it in a way
that he learns to play in a way that is acceptable to you.
This is a much more complicated challenge than a game of golf. But if you would look this over very carefully, John, I think you may be able to see that
there is a fair number of similarities between the way you relate with golf, and the way you relate with your grandson. Do you maybe see what I
mean?
>I wish it were easier to stay awake. Whether judging myself or him, I often wake up in the punishment cycle which is always counter productive.
Keep at this! This is *certainly* a very worthy challenge to practice waking up on, if you can. And there is progress. As you proceed along with a
mindfulness exercise like this, a time will come when you wake up before you have "gone and done it." And you will have a chance then (and in
succeeding times) to keep working on it, and getting better at not acting-out the whole thing again.
What to say to him? Well, I don't know how old he is. Is he old enough to tell him, "I feel rejected when this happens. I don't feel that you care
about me when this is going on. And I seem to get angry when things are going wrong this way." If he is old enough to understand what that is
about, you might be quite astonished by his responses.
And whatever he says, caring or hostile, let him get it off of his chest, and don't cheat him of it. Tell him, "I hear you." — And when you don't feel
rejected and angry any more, try to remember to tell him that. Say, "I'm not being bitter and angry any more." That might be a relief to him, to know
and understand that these emotions come up sometimes, but they are peaceful at other times, too. When he knows that *you know* when you are
being bitter and angry, and when not, that might make it much easier for him.
Well, those are some hunches and coaching ideas, any way.
>When I first visited your site I was put off by your long rambling postings,
Good for you, in being aware of that!
>but having now received one, I can say I truly love them.
Aw, gee. Thanks. Truly! And, good again! Something new. A surprise. But the best break for you, around here, would come when you can start
appreciating the coachings for you in the classes that are expressed to the others. I am never coaching any one of you, at any point in the process,
without remembering at least several others of you specifically, that I feel I am also specifically coaching at that same time. And sometimes I'm coaching
to all of you. I think you'll get the hang of this fine, Student John.
Adios for today, Folks. I see I *can* still put in a full day's work when the spirit moves me, when I feel like it! And I'm feelin' pretty good about that
now. {big smile} Time for supper!
Coach
Douglas, good Sir, I'll take that up tomorrow, if I may.
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