Classroom Talk
Winter 2002 Archive
Re: Ding, ding! This is your stop, Deirdre. ;-) Posted by Student John on March 24, 2002 at 10:11:39:
In Reply to: Ding, ding! This is your stop, Deirdre. ;-) posted by John on March 23, 2002 at 00:19:35:
Coach, what a clarifying message to us all. Hi, Deirdre. For me
bodily awareness is most difficult. I'm pretty aware of what I'm
thinking and feeling. Three years ago I began Goenka style vipassana
which asks only to become aware of bodily sensation and to remain as
best as one can equanimous with the painful "sankara". I uncovered in
a ten day meditation that for six days I had a "searing knife"
stabbing me under my right shoulder blade coupled with angry thoughts
of fleeing upon which I didn't act. On the tenth day the pain
subsided as did my angry thoughts. I had concluded that I was feeling
anger in my body. The pain didn't persist but on occasion in my
normal life I would notice that pain but when I looked for thoughts of
anger I could find none. I searched high and low amongst Goenka
writings and followers to see if they had catalogued these "sankara"
and their meaning. A part of me wanted to know. I tried a number of
other techniques and uncovered another persistent body sensation.
What I call a bowling ball in the stomach. I was now mediating 4 or 5
hours a day and while pleasant, in the non-mediative hours, I seemed
to be just as much "asleep' as usual. I tried Jason Siffs apporach in
which I was asked to follow my thoughts, keep a diary and note if the
thoughts led to a persistent feeling. After about a year of that I
had a fairly clear sense that " I wasn't good enough." I happened onto
Coach's site several months ago and now think that my anger at the
retreat was masking the fear of being out of control and the bowling
ball in my stomach is the guilt of "good intentions". I'm still
awfully new at this so at this time this is a working hypothesis. For
example, I have known for a long time that I suffer from the tyranny
of the should and should not. By that I mean that there is hardly
anything I do or think that I'm not second guessing myself. My
training as a lawyer may have played effectively upon this trait. In
any event I suspect that this is in part the source or at least the
result of my "worring stomach". Not sure how all this plays out but I
feel more involved with what's going on with me in this technique than
I have in any other and I wish you all the best in the search for what
works for you. Best regards, Student John
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