Classroom Talk
Spring - Summer 2002 Archive
Good idea. Posted by John on May 03, 2002 at 19:34:24:
In Reply to: Authentic communication? posted by Student John on May 03, 2002 at 15:38:43:
I'm glad you're so interested in learning, John. And your idea that I "give an example of what an authentic communication to Douglas in the first
instance might have been" is a neat idea, really. Yes, that would be possible, and a good teaching exercise. Out of deference to Douglas, however,
under the circumstances, I'd rather not put any more words about that into his space for now, until he's had a chance to digest what's been said
already, and reply.
Even phrasing it authentically would still force him to have to listen to all that content again now--risking pouring salt in the wounds. He deserves a
break at this point, and an opportunity to decide what he's going to do. I hope he'll forgive me. I wish I had been awake and used authentic
communication more thoroughly in the first place, because the issue is close to my heart, and I wish we could find a way to get it settled amicably.
And, after all, whenever I am confronting any of you students here (however well or poorly I do with that work) I'm hoping that the response will be
something like, "Thanks, Coach. I needed to hear about that." It's a very long shot now, but who knows? Let's see what Douglas has to say.
Sorry to leave you in the dark about this, John, but you don't seem to understand by the way that the issue had nothing to do with "being preachy,"
"erudition," or, that kind of thing in this instance, but rather with the content of that valentine he recited in class to a classmate, and my
uncomfortableness with that, my sense, under the circumstances, that doing that wasn't fair. It's a long story that has come up before, and one I
sorely wish we could all get clear about one way or the other, put behind us, and get on with the work. But by going too far, being too tough in
pushing for what I wanted, I didn't help matters any.
If things work out by next week, and it seems appropriate for me to have more to say about that subject in a mellow space where everyone can
apparently feel relaxed in hearing about it, I'll be glad to show you—and Douglas, if he's interested—how I might have done it in the first instance. It's
easy. I'll simply use five or six of the phrases in the communications list in the wheelbook, get all my points across by expressing only my own
experiences about the situation, and carefully avoid putting anything onto the other person. Authentic communication is sincerely sharing one's own
experiences without putting it on the other person. I missed a golden opportunity.
It's not that it wouldn't still be a tough communication to make, and maybe a tough communication to hear, anyway . . . . but it wouldn't have to be
done without gentleness, sensitivity, and caring.
In any case, words in space—any words—always have their impact. Silence (cf. "letting sleeping . . . etc., etc.") would have been a better option for me
to follow, in fact, than the way I went about it, as it turned out. But I do feel I have a right to speak up for my own experiences, too, when the
situation is being painful for me.
By the way, John, vis-a-vis
>What am I feeling? Initially put down, talked down to
Those are not feelings. They are concepts. Feelings are sensations that you feel in the body—like the feelable inward sensations of fear, anger, shame,
etc. Being put down describes an idea in the thinking mind. Being talked down to describes an idea that you are thinking. When the thinking mind is
thinking those two particular concepts, the feeling that commonly goes along with that kind of thinking is shame—maybe a perceptible feeling of
weakness or tiredness in the face, perhaps a palpable blush of embarrassment, and a feeling of tiredness and weakness in the body.
Any of the rest of you who have any input are welcome to speak up. By all means, if you remember to, tell us what you are feeling! It looks like I'm
going to have some extra days' work in the country next week, but I'll check for posts every day. And I'm pretty sure I'll be able to post a few
responses around that inconvenience, anyway.
See you next week, then.
Coach
What are you feeling today, Douglas? . . . if you don't mind saying.
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Archived 08/26/2002