Sexual jealousy: a natural human phenomenon.
Posted by John on May 21, 2002 at 19:34:24:

In Reply to: Re: Jealousy. posted by Pauline on May 21, 2002 at 05:04:50:

>I think I told you my girlfriend and I are experimenting with tantra so you can guess why I ask this question. [Tantra]

I'm way ahead of you on this, Eon. I've been wondering how you and your girlfriend were handling it, ever since you first mentioned that tantra is
the speciality of your teacher and the ashram you were moving into.

I know very little about tantra, so, like Pauline, I'm not aware if some form of group sexual exercises are included in the curriculum. I suppose they
may be, and legitimately so, from the point of view of tantric teachings and traditions. The only other thing I've heard, other than the points Pauline
mentioned, is that tantric partners are said to with-hold from having ordinary orgasms, and in so-doing eventually have a "gentler kind of orgasm" of
a somewhat different sweetness and vibration that last a very long time. Seems cool to me. In fact, long ago, I tried it (but, without a teacher for
guidance). And I don't know the formal precepts and methods of tantric training.

But, I have had quite a bit of experience long ago living in communes in Los Angeles and in Hawaii, in which some of the members were keen on
practicing group sex, or the free sharing of sex partners "with no hang-ups," as they intended it to be, from the bottom of their hearts. These were
pretty "sexually-sophisticated" people, beatniks, bohemians, hippie artists and musicians, later gestalt therapists and their crowds of sophisticated
friends. In every such instance that I witnessed, these experiments proved to be disasters. (Now, I'm NOT saying that has anything to do with
Tantra!)

Since I don't know much precisely about what's actually in the picture for you there, Eon (you can feel free to tell us more about it, if you wish), I'm
going to coach today in a much more general way about sex in society, and, in particular, so-called "free sex" in society, group sex, "swingers'" groups,
so-called "open relationships" where the partners are free to have sex with other people—experiments in sexual relating with more than one partner, in
general, as we find that phenomenon happening in the real world.

But first, a word or two about Tantra. Perhaps, since you use the word "experimenting" here, Eon, you may feel—with no criticism of your teacher's
work—that you are in a process of finding out if this kind of experimenting works for you, or not. Tantra is but one of "the Many Paths," . . . so—like
any other spiritual approach—it may fit just perfectly for some students while it may not quite fit so well in the life of everyone who wishes to be a
student on the spiritual paths. That's true with Zen, of course, and every other such approach.

I'm definitely not saying I have a moral judgment against sexual experimentation. I'm not saying it isn't "spiritual" in the proper context. I'm only saying
it just hasn't worked with the people that I've known, who have tried this experimenting in the ordinary world around. They couldn't handle it. And
the reason always seemed to be the same . . . jealousy.

I once asked my teacher Mits about this, and he said that when people have sex together (even though it is outwardly "casual") a kind of natural
human bonding begins to take place within the man and the woman. And in the nature of this bonding, there is a primal heart-felt wish to be
exclusively together—that is, exclusive of other sex partners. To be "each other's" *all the way*, so to speak.

Obviously, most of the casual sex that takes place in societies all over the world does not take any notice of this natural bonding phenomenon . . . if it is
there. This natural impulse to form a bond together that goes with having sex is largely ignored if it really exists. But some people are aware of this.

That remarkable new "hooking up" fad that is going on among some young Americans today seems to be gaining in popularity (having sex with
strangers that have been met on the spot, with no ties) seems to intentionally deny that there are natural bonding instincts within us. It's obvious and
apparent that among both male and female homo sapiens, many, many people are quite capable of practicing promiscuity, and perhaps it has always
been that way. That natural bonding phenomenon, if it exists, is easy to ignore.

But not everybody can bring this off. Jealousy is a natural human phenomenon that comes up. And jealousy, in most cases, seems to be the factor that
destroys these experiments, and sometimes messes up the lives and relationships of these experimenters, one time after another.

Believe it or not, when looking around our personality wheel we can recognize some types who are better at this than others, and some types who
have practically no chance of getting through it without being wounded or demolished.

I know nothing of your girlfriend's personality make-up, Eon, but I've had some ideas about your types. I've seemed to see examples of the Student/
Believer, the Lover/Martyr, and the Artist/Rebel, for the most part, in your sharings over the long haul in Classroom Talk. I'm not sure, so you
ought to be continuing working on figuring that out on your own, please. If you have a sense of your girlfriend's three most prevalent types on the
wheel, you could compare that, as well as your own types to the comments I'm about to make here.

1. Dictators, it seems to me, would not have an easy time of it in a group sex scenario, unless they were running the whole show, unless they were in
command of everything that happens. But thoughts, such as you have had that your girlfriend may not be loving you any more, are what we call
"paranoid" thoughts. You are afraid of that happening. And whether that happens is something that can't be kept in control in such a group sex
situation. (I understand this may not have anything to do with the ashram!!!) Dictators couldn't handle that fear easily. And fear is definitely not
compatible with mellow sexual experiences. If they thought their partner was starting to go for somebody else more than them, Dictators would "take
charge of it" and bring the whole process to a halt. And any of us around the wheel might be scared if we thought the one we love was having a
change of heart.

2. Con Artists might well be the instigators of some such groups. Coming up with a smart idea for getting away with having lots of sexual partners,
they might feel a certain "superiority" if they could persuade a group of people to experiment with that. They would see to it that they got more
benefits than anyone else out of the arrangement. And, Con Artists are more easily able to "rise above it" if problems would come up, than other
types around the wheel. But . . . even smart Con Artists can be surprised, and wind up jealous in such a situation. (Although jealousy matches up
most commonly with the Rebel as a type, all eight of the types on the wheel can become jealous if their man, or their woman goes to bed with
somebody else. . . . . And another thing I've noticed is that even having a bunch of adoring "groupies" eventually leaves even the "biggest stars"
feeling immensely lonely. Ultimately, I guess, there's nothing as satisfying to any of the types as a loving soulmate relationship, after all.

3. Despite the fact that most Judges are the most judgmental and moralistic people on the wheel when it comes to sex, Judges have "a wicked streak"
in them, as well. And they like to play. They may rail and preach against sex from the pulpit or on television on one day, and be found in a motel on
the next. They like to arrange group games and play games. I think for that reason that Judges would likely make up more than their share of the
population of most "swinger groups," or groups where group sexual activities are arranged. Judges are arrangers, who like to arrange things . . . . .
you get the picture. Groups that are formed around sex where the participants wear costumes or use specialized equipment of various kinds are most
likely to be organized by Judges. This is play-acting. These are the ones who would bring *quasi*-punishing games into the script, for instance (pairing
up with Doormats in these mock behaviors). I say "quasi," because the intent of such people is not really to injure each other and be injured, but only
to play-act at punishing and being punished while having sex. And lots of types of people enjoy doing that to some extent. (Actual sexual abuse that
is intentionally painful and injurious is a separate and statistically rarer phenomenon.) And Judges can get very angry if things don't work out right,
according to their intended arrangements. And, of course, Judges can get very jealous, too.

4. Rebels are probably one of the most likely types to engage in sexual activities that "break the rules." Rebels like to be outrageously different than
the norms of society at large. Most of those beatniks and hippies and rock 'n' roll musicians in the old days were Rebels in their make-up. Those old
gestalt crowds had lots of Rebels in them, too. Rebels are intensely independent. They discourage partners from being dependent on them. "Don't
tie me down." They may resist bonding of any kind. In that sense they would seem to be people who would fit in more easily with sexually permissive
circles. And Rebels will try anything once.

But . . . and this is ironic, Rebels are also the type that gets the most jealous the most often. "Don't spoil the beauty of it for me!" "I don't want you to
have what I want and I can't have." . . . . . And if your sweetie is foolin' around with somebody else before your very eyes, that can spoil the beauty
of it, big time. We are *human*. And "the green-eyed monster" does arise! Because, apparently, there *is* bonding with those we love the most
intimately, and all the proclaimed "fuck-all" independence in the world may not overcome that natural force.

5. Doormats are usually somewhat shy and embarrassed about their sexuality and their sexual appeal—without realizing they, too, actually do turn-on
their share of possible mates! (That's one of a few things that yer ol' coach can *guarantee*, from my experience of people.) They are sexier than they
think, and don't know it. (I actually think that *everybody* is sexy to somebody out there . . . if they let it happen when it comes up.) Because of the
reserve that Doormats have built up over the years, they are less likely than any of the other types to step forth to experiment in group sex
experiments on their own. Too shy. (I lived in those communes I mentioned, and I never did it.) However, there are probably lots of Doormats who
do participate in so-called "swinger groups," for example, being pushed into it by Dictator spouses or boyfriends, tricked into it by Con Artists, having
their arm twisted by Judges, or being hijacked by a pirate ship of Rebels. Doormats have a habit (worth growing out of) of letting their Selves be
pushed into things by aggressive people. And then when they get there, they are habitually prone to feeling ashamed. (And when Doormats grow
out of that kind of funny stuff, they, too, can step forward powerfully, and with a smile on their face, and join a sex club of their own choosing, if they
feel like it—or find the one woman or the one man that's right for them instead.)

6. On the personality side of things, Believers are the "suckers" around the wheel, looking for a way up by getting attention and being approved of in
society, and sometimes getting tricked and taken advantage of for that. Young men and young women, often aspiring actors or performers, who
attend parties at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles are an example of this. They can fit in with sexually permissive circles. And it may, eventually,
burn them out on the pleasures of sex, and love. For they yearn for something more constant than that. Their biggest danger, sexually, is in allowing
their sex life to become routinely unfeeling. Believers, after all, are the people around our wheel who care the most about security in their lives—
security in relationship is one of the very most important things for them (and they have seen that security dashed, again and again in their lives).
They are definitely Family people, sometimes hold their parents on a pedestal. They wish, so strongly, to be *promised*. A promise that comes true of
faithfulness to them can mean alot in reviving their worn-out excitement, that has become atrophied in them through lack of security (i.e. not being
relaxed). The insecurity that comes with changing partners is the uncomfortable factor with them that makes them perhaps the least likely to
participate in sex groups. But nevertheless, they so like attention, and they so like to please (Believers are among the "best lovers" on the wheel), and
they can be such suckers sometimes. If they are in such a crowd along with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they are going to experience an awful lot of
anxiety when other members of the group have eyes for their partner. Whereas, being able to be *completely relaxed together* is certainly the most
obvious pre-requisite to the fullest joys of, heh-heh . . . "mindful warrior sex." I guess we can call it that.

7. Now we come to the natural Lovers on the wheel (though fortunately, most of us have a big enough share of this in our essence as humans,
whatever our personality make-up) . . . the Martyrs, who—under ordinary circumstances—are the most sexually responsive people in any group.
They give "too much" love. And they suffer the most over love. Sometimes it is one relationship after another, and sometimes it is becoming "stuck,"
by getting together with the wrong man, or the wrong woman (initially—*probably*—solely for the sexual responsiveness of their union), and they
have to pay a hard price for it in suffering, when the rest of *a whole loving relationship between two people* never seems to come along for them and
their mate, and life goes on for them "in limbo," so to speak. I guess you all have noticed, in the lives of others around you, if not in your own lives,
that there is a lot of suffering that comes along with love. (And the best thing that we can do about that, as healthy warriors, is let it all out by mindful
crying, sobbing all the way through to those long sighs of release, and keep on rolling along.)

Unless something happened at some point in life to thwart this, Martyrs are the most fully and naturally sexual people among us. They give good
strokes. And they love to give good strokes. They are naturally good at that. Among the rest of the types on the wheel, the Martyrs are the ones
who love the most to give pleasure to others. Though all of us have some of this in our Beings, it is most natural in them. They bring the greatest
tenderness of all into the human symphony. They are *naturals* at that, "doin' what comes naturally," as the old song used to say.

If I were to make a prediction about the make-up of any given bunch of people engaging in group sexual play together, I would guess that the one
most common personalty type in the varied make-ups of the men and women in that group would be Martyr.

Absent some collosal interruption of this—an early "martyrdom" perhaps—Martyrs are the most tender, most loving, most naturally pleasure-giving
people in the world. They like to make other people ecstatic. And in actually doing that in the real world, it sometimes happens that they wind up
being treated like trash for it. That's the Martyrdom. If you give intimate love to the wrong person, you get treated like trash. Martyrs, in general,
seem more exposed to that in life than the other types. Yet this may happen to any of us during our lives. A new deal of the cards may be a simple
answer to this . . . but it is never easy—even for a mindful warrior—to let go of the past . . . and forget the future, and fly on with the fresh and the
new that is becoming apparent before your very eyes in the now.

And yes, Martyrs who attend sex groups, as a way of relating with their sexuality, probably spend as much time crying over lost love as those who
remain alone . . . in the long run. Or so I imagine it to be . . . until a person finds that one fellow human, the one lover that is right for them. Then it's
as if all that martyrdom never happened. And it didn't. And one feels complete and whole. Whoopee!!!

8. When the Kind Helper comes along, with all of his or her sense of responsibility, we see the one type on the wheel that is probably the least likely to
become a member of a group that has sex as the basis of its meetings. Exact opposites of the outrageous Rebels on the wheel, Kind Helpers are the
least prone to activities that involve breaking the normal societal taboos. They will worry about people who do things like that, and warn them, too,
coming from a good heart. This is not to say that the quintessential "Mom," the quintessential "Pop," cannot break "the rules," or even have affairs, for
instance. We are all human in these sexual ways, and it could happen to nearly any of us, with our various profiles of Selves. But, much as I would
guess (no statistical analysis of this available so far), that the most common type at a sex group would be a Martyr, so I'd bet the least common type
would be a Kind Helper.

........................................................................

Okay, so now, Eon . . . . I sure hope you haven't been offended by my taking such a broad look at sex in society. This is not to say that a spiritual
group that is grounded in the healthy manifestation of human sexuality is not very different than groups based on sex in society at large. Tantra has
been passed down over the ages as an approach to enlightenment and transformation through sexual practices. This is not so unusual. There are
sacred sexual practices in a number of other spiritual systems, as well—and the Hawaiian example is a good one.

Jealousy is human, and may appear anywhere. It may come up in reference to many kinds of things. Yet the classical example is the jealously felt by a
man or a woman to see their lover intimately involved with another person. Even a suggestion of this can arrouse jealousy in nearly any one of us.
Even a fantasy of this—even though it isn't true—can arrouse natural jealousy in human beings. That's just human.

You do seem to be describing what I've known of feelings in my own body when I've been being jealous, Eon. Hot face, and torso torqued and
twisted away . . . .

>When the situation comes - I feel like I want to get out of my skin and disappear

I know the feeling. It certainly does sound like you are jealous. And, as you suggested, that makes complete sense in the context you are describing.

>I am blocked and think I am unworthy.

This is another thing, in addition to the jealousy. I doubt you are really unworthy, but Doormat thinking like this sometimes does come to you at
times. It says you are also feeling ashamed about the situation. Have you thought about asking your teacher about this? You might simply say: "I'm
feeling jealous to be in this class with my girlfriend, and then I feel some shame."

I have a hunch he would tell you this is not an uncommon thing in Tantra groups, for jealousy to come up like this. There must be others around you
who go through some of this, too. Maybe they have an easy traditional way of dealing with this that I don't know about. I'm a bit hesitant to
"interfere" with your teacher about this . . . yet it may not be interference at all. Go by what he says, I would coach. But I can give you my own ideas.

>How can I stay calm and see it for what it is ..jealousy?

Well, first of all, when you are being jealous, you are not being calm. You are being jealous. That's what it is, alright. So your first job, in processing
this negative feeling, is to become very aware of what that uncalm feeling of jealousy *feels like*.

I know that you, like Douglas, have expressed a dislike for being mindful and feeling negative feelings when they are in your body. But all I can tell
you, in terms of our processing exercise, is that the way to do it is to get very clearly in touch with the feelable sensations of that jealousy within your
body, and keep feeling it. Feel it as awarely as you can, and keep feeling it. Feel it vividly . . . and let it go . . . keep letting it go and feeling your body
letting it go. . . . . . And keep coming back to your body with your mindfulness from time to time during the day, and keep feeling it if it is still there.
Keep feeling it until it dissolves and you can't feel it any more . . . until you can say from your own experience of it, "I'm not feeling jealous any more."
Although the outward situation is still exactly the same, the inward jealousy isn't there any more. And then perhaps later, it may return again, and
you process it on through once again.

Now, as luck would have it, jealousy—in my view—is the most volatile of the eight emotional feelings around our wheel. It is very *powerful*, and it is
not easy to process it on through. This is a tough one for beginners. I admit it. When we are being jealous it is also very, very hard not to react by
acting out gestures of bitter rejection of the other person. Jealousy and rejection are two sides of the same coin, and it's hard as hell not to reject the
other person when we are feeling jealous. For the sake of your relationship, just do the best you can at this.

By being mindful, and attempting to process the tensions of jealousy on through, and trying to be diligent and not react, it is barely possible for a
mindful warrior to get through a situation like this without rejecting and hurting your girlfriend's feelings. Give it the best shot you've got in you!

Have you shared with your girlfriend that you have been being jealous? I don't mean blaming her for anything! I don't know if there is anything for
her to blamed about. But we do know for sure that you are having this natural human reaction of being jealous. Possibly every one of us in this class
would be feeling jealous in your position. You are human. If you blame your girlfriend for this, there will be nothing that she can do to help you. She
will be too hurt to be on your side on this. If you share with her what's happening in you, without putting anything onto her, she might have a good
remedy immediately, or at least be on your side in finding the remedy that will enable you both to feel closer with each other again.

As I implied earlier, some of us are more cut out to be in a group sexual situation than others. For some, it just doesn't work. One who attempts such
experimentation must determine this from his or her own experience. Possibly—I'm not saying I think it's so, but possibly—this experiment isn't
working for you and your girlfriend. Possibly, it's time for a change in your lives together, a new deal of the cards for you both.

Again, I am NOT putting down Tantra, or your teacher, or his practices, Eon. I am simply looking at it from the point of view of you making your
own choices for what's best for you at this time in your life. Maybe it's another one of those good times already for "leaping for the space"—going
again out on your own. It is no dishonor to your teacher, or *any* teacher in the world, for a student to go out on their own.

And perhaps you will be able to work through these episodes of jealousy (as you have gotten through other kinds of powerful emotional episodes
during the last year, indeed, while you were in the Army, for instance—as hard as it was, you *have* gotten all the way through every bit of that, you
know!), and maybe you can go on enjoying the tantric practices you have been pleased with up to now in living there in the ashram. Try to find what
your own inner Being likes and loves the best, and go with that.

With some concern and love for you and your girlfriend,

Coach

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