Classroom Talk
Fall 2002 Archive
An overlooked exercise that might make things easier. Posted by John on October 03, 2002 at 21:54:15:
In Reply to: Re: When confusion reigns . . . (the ex post facto prequel). posted by Student John on October 03, 2002 at 08:44:05:
Hi, Student John. Thank you for these several clarifications . . . first that you understand the way I addressed the "broad and fuzzy" question. Then:
>As for anxiety vs. fear, the "ouch" . . . to which I referred came from being "corrected" by your suggestion that what I might be experiencing was fear rather than anxiety.
I understand. Ha! We can see here that I hadn't understood you on this. No blame intended, but I think you may find that you hadn't given me quite
enough information to understand that earlier . . . . . as you have done right here now! This is the very topic we've been discussing—the idea of
taking responsibility to reflect on whether what we are saying is clear enough that it can be understood by the other person. And *all* of us can work
on this and keep working on it, including me!
I am not able to *know* if it's anxiety, or fear, or one of the other six negative emotional feelings on our wheel, or . . . none of the above, John! Only
you are in a position to make a clear determination of that from your own direct experiences of the sensations in your body. It may not be anxiety,
and it may not be fear, either. You don't have to rush into this. Just keep observing, and go on seeing whatever you see. Could the emotion in
question have been loneliness, anger, jealousy, shame, sadness, or guilt? Guilt would seem to be another possibility here. I'm not sure, but it sounds
like you may be learning towards it being fear.
Recognizing and identifying emotional feelings is certainly one of the more difficult aspects of Self-study. For certain people, it may be *the most
difficult part* of this work. It can sometimes be hard teaching "working with feelings" when face to face with a student—yet surely that is much easier
than what we are attempting to do here.
When I started this website years ago, experienced mindfulness teachers that I knew at the time all said that working with emotional feelings would be
the most likely candidate for the part of this over-all training that I would never be able to bring off over the Internet. In fact, I've seen several articles
on the Net whose express purpose was to argue that it is impossible to work with emotional feelings by e-mail or bulletin board.
I'm not so sure about that. Being one of those kinds of people who go on where angels fear to tread, I have tried to go ahead and do so anyway.
Virtually this whole course of mindfulness training is attempting to do what would seem to be impossible on the Internet, anyway.
What's the big problem with emotional feelings? First of all, it is almost universally regarded in our society that "we aren't supposed to have negative
emotional feelings." Having emotional feelings to begin with is, itself, suspect. We "aren't supposed to" be afraid . . . . or lonely, angry, jealous,
ashamed, anxious, sad, or guilty. That's the way society looks at it.
Where have you heard anybody but me (and like-minded teachers) tellling you that it's *good* to have your natural human emotional feelings, and to
be aware of them?
From the time we were little—nearly all of us—if we told our parents that we were afraid, they told us not to be. "Don't be afraid. You don't have to
be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of." And yet, every single one of us, at one time or another, do become afraid at intervals in our lives. Every
one of us has all of these other basic emotional feelings at one time or another, too. That's the real world.
But, we are told this is somehow not legitimate. "Feelings are bad." We are told this is beneath us. We aren't supposed to get negative emotional
feelings. It is suggested there is something "weak," or even "dishonorable" about having negative emotional feelings. All of us grow up being
influenced to some degree by such common ordinary attitudes.
And, this is one of the greatest and most profound misunderstandings that most people have about what being a human being is. As we grow up, we
not only hide our feelings, we don't even know that we have them. And on top of that, we grow up being told that we're not supposed to have
these negative feelings either.
Yet the negative emotional feelings happen anyway, in all of us, whether we acknowledge it, or not. It is NOT weak, or dishonorable, to have these
feelings. It is simply human. Having emotional feelings is simply the human way. I wish you all could understand this.
Learning to recognize and work with human emotional feelings is one of the most valuable and practical lessons to learn in doing transformative work.
For the tensions of these feelings when they arise (and that is what negative emotional feelings *are*, feelable tensions in the body) are the very
energies which *drive* these ego-driven personalities that we have. If we can learn to move this reactive and driving emotional energy on out of the
picture (not by ignoring it, but by mindful processing work!), there is no energy left to drive the ego or the personality . . . and the true essential Being
will show up in the remainder. But this healing processing work cannot be done if we ignore our feelings or deny even having them.
>I suspect this is a Dictator's reaction just like my stoicism of not telling you of the "ouch" initially. I often hold back but until now had not seen that holding back could be an aspect of Dictator.
Could be. Maybe so. Maybe not. Maybe you are onto something here. Do some of the Dictator characteristics in the wheelbook seem to match up
with what you know about you? Keep sitting with this and go on studying it mindfully. I have no wish to drive you to that or any other conclusion,
of course. I have no stake in whatever you find. My wish is for you to keep on studying until you feel quite certain of whatever is so, on your own,
when it becomes obvious and apparent to you!
>I understand you to be saying that even though two Warriors are authentically engaged, score may arise on their boards.
They may be relating authentically for the most part, but when some inauthenticity (cf. personality) slips into the conversation inadvertently, this is
what brings score up on the scoreboard. Even with trained mindful warriors, this inadvertent slipping into personality happens frequently. Even with
the best of trainings, we are not, and cannot be "perfect." Even great masters make mistakes and sometimes slip into personality.
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By the way, if you don't mind, "authentically engaged," as you put it, is a misnomer in the terminology of this game. Let's save the term "engagement"
for when people are rubbing each other the wrong way, if you please. So players here are "engaged" when there is inauthenticity. And when there is
authenticity, we can say they are "relating," relating with each other harmoniously.
Being engaged/inauthenticity, and relating/authenticity.
That's the game. Recognizing when we are being in an engagement, and learning to deal with engagements by relating, by communicating
authentically. When we are in an engagement together, we get uptight, and it becomes "an entanglement." When we are relating authentically with
each other, we can relax, and it becomes "companionship."
Anyway, all of these technical terms are only useful if they convey the sense of an experiential meaning to you. I've tried to make the vernacular of
this game as simple and experientially precise as I can.
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The difference between the warrior and the non-warrior, is that the warrior is much more likely (because of his or her training) to wake up on it when
tensions arise and there is "score on the scoreboard." And, waking up on it, the warrior knows some good strategies for deliberately working with
the situation.
>but if they remain unaffected by the score playing it off their board they will continue to interact authentically.
Yes. Waking up and recognizing there is score on the board, they will get very centered and alert. They will realize an engagement is going on.
Perhaps they will just be silent at first, and take stock of the situation. They will be extra careful not to just blurt out the first words that come to their
mind, *knowing* they might be prone to sting the other person back if they aren't careful. They will see what they are about to say before they say it,
and make an intentional effort to soften it, before the words are out of their mouth. Very soon they will turn their awareness inside their body and
deal with their own negative emotions that have come up (simply by feeling the tensions of emotions that are in there).
They will be (if they have practiced this kind of training for a few months and learned how to have these capacities at their disposition) they will be
very calm and steady on their inner platform of awareness. From this amount of awareness of what is simply going on in these moments *within them*
, they will be able to choose, on purpose, to say whatever they have to say to the other person with honest, yet non-judgmental and non-manipulative
candor, sharing of their own experience, instead of putting the other person in any kind of a box. "What I experience is . . ." instead of "Who you are
is . . ."
All of these, by the way, are aspects of "interacting authentically."
Obviously, you can't do all of these things I'm describing at the same time . . . . . so far! So far, I say!!! You are only beginning to grasp and master
these techniques. In order to learn, you have to start in practicing somewhere in the method.
The first thing to master in playing this game is recognizing that there is score on the scoreboard in the first place. My chief efforts in all of these
classes are in coaching you students to start paying attention to the human behavior that is going on around you and within you (in a given moment). I
am trying to coach you all to start watching this, start paying attention. The scoreboard itself is just a technique for being reminded to watch and see.
The technique is simply that whenever you happen to notice that "there is tension in the air" (i.e. "score on the scoreboard"), you can be reminded to
wake up and start paying attention to what's going on.
We've looked at a number of different ways for being reminded to start paying attention in these classes over the years. The idea of noticing whether
what is being said is "reacting" or "responding" is one such "mantra," that is, one context for being reminded to wake up.
Noticing "stingers," noticing when people seem to be being rubbed the wrong way" is a context that can remind you to start paying attention. If you
happen to notice there is an "edgy" tone in what you or the other person says, that can wake you up. That exercise where you practice waking up
and taking note of whether what is obvious and apparent before you is "cheerfulness" or "the absence of cheerfulness" is another useful context for
being reminded to start paying attention.
All of these are ways of "getting in touch with the scoreboard" in this game, and being reminded to start paying attention to what's going on.
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Wow, I have just had a revelation that I have left out an exercise that would be a good way to start out in doing this kind of work, before you even
start out attempting to do all the things that are described above.
Darn! I know it's confusing to introduce a new exercise here and say that you ought to try this one out before you even attempt to start practicing all
the rest of the awareness game. But I think you'll see why this would be highly appropriate. Before a person can play the awareness game, they have
to be able to wake up and keep centered while they are in the presence of other people. You can see the basic sense in that, can't you?
If you will practice doing that, and learn to get good at it, that will make everything else that you practice later in the awareness game *much easier*!
Being able to keep awake while in the presence of another person is a kind of barrier to be mastered in and of itself. It may take you some earnest
practice to become able to do that.
You can start this out by intentionally practicing just being awake in the presence of other people. Don't try to do any more than that. Just practice
remembering you are in there behind those eyes while you are in the presence of a family member or a friend. Do it while you are sitting with them in
silence, or walking or driving with them. Do this with one person after another, whenever you can remember to. Take it as a discipline that you will
find ways to remind you to practice this.
Start logging practice time just being in there awake while you are being with others, and doing only that. This is so you will get used to that, and it
won't be such a challenge to you.
I'm sorry I didn't think to bring up this exercise with the class some time ago, but the potential value of practicing this only came home to me just now,
reflecting on Student John's posting.
Then—carrying the exercise another step—put in some practice time being awake at the dinner table with the whole family together, or at a gathering
with a number of friends where some talking is going on in the room around you. Don't try to do any more than that. Don't talk. Just be there and
feel your presence while being with the others. You just be silent and practice keeping awake being there in the room with them.
Practice just being aware of your presence while you are around other people as many times as you can for a few days, or a week, until you get
comfortable and relaxed at doing just that, and nothing more. Practice just that until you get good at it.
Do you all understand what I mean in sharing this exercise? The idea is to practice being inwardly awake while with other people, until you get
relaxed doing that, and it is easy for you to keep your center in there while other people are around you, and talk is going on.
Then, keep practicing doing that (from now on, heh-heh), so you keep getting better and better at being inwardly poised and awake while you are in
the field with other people around. You can practice this wherever you go, with anyone you encounter, including strangers passing by. Simply see if
you can keep awake within, remembering you are in there behind those eyes, while you are being in their presence.
Shucks, I ought to have taught this exercise to All of you Folks a long time ago. Dang!!! {angry at my Self not to have thought of this before}.
Anyway . . . . . . . . waking up now on how I'm beating my Self up about this here {big grin} . . . that serves no useful purpose. But I do hope any of
you students who might like to teach the awareness game to others in the future will remember this exercise, and pass it along to your students very
early on, when you start discussing the other specific moves and strategies of the game. You can see, can't you, how learning to be comfortably
awake in the presence of other people first, as an achievement of its own, can then make it much easier thereafter to learn the rest of the elements of
this game?
For instance, once you have practiced and gotten good at simply being awake in the presence of other people, without doing anything more than that,
*then* you can begin practicing calling up the scoreboard *much more easily*, and being reminded to start paying attention and watching for these
other contexts of human behavior (including feelings, thinking, ego, and personality) that the awareness game is played with. You can add each of
these other elements into your game, one at a time, until—by ongoing practice over the weeks and the months—you have put the whole method of
playing this game together in your mindful competence, and you can play the whole spectrum of this game, mindfully, off the top of your head . . .
whenever you wake up and remember to . . . . . if you feel like doing this, that is.
There really isn't that much to this game, Folks, if you learn it and practice it one element at a time. It isn't *that* complicated! You will be able to put it
all together, one step at a time. Along this way—with patience, and each according to your own efforts—you can make the play of the whole of this
game yours!
Is this clear? I left out a step in the coaching that could have made the whole play of this game much, much easier for all of you. I'm sure sorry about
that oversight. And thanks to you, John, for helping me to catch on to this. You said:
>My misunderstanding came from the notion that Warriors would not have score on their boards if they were Warriors.
Yes, that was a misunderstanding. Warriors do keep getting score on their scoreboards. But warriors—if they wake up on it—know what that
means. And they know how to deal with it—for instance, with authentic communications and intentionally not wounding others. By honest speaking
up on who they are, by having the presence of mind not to be wounding in what they say to others, by not putting others into boxes, by not stinging
or rubbing the wrong way (when they can wake up to it) they will find that they are bringing less and less reactions from other people. And bringing
less and less reactions from others upon their own Selves, they do have less and less score on their scoreboards as time goes by.
A simple way of saying this is: cut down, awarely, on the provoking that you do, and you will get less provoking back from others. Learn to cut way
down on your own provoking. That's the trick.
But there's always some more score that keeps coming up—maybe only by accident, and maybe by preordained Fate—even on the scoreboards of
warriors. Warriors are the people who keep acknowledging this, whenever score is present, and who keep on making skillful moves to have peace
and harmony. Warriors are people who, come what may, never give up on this.
>This notion makes Warriors non-human.
Yes, warriors are only human, and we make human mistakes throughout our lives. But warriors are people who understand this natural human frailty
that we all have, and people who find the strength and courage within the qualities that they have been born with to go on doing what they can do
about this human condition for the rest of their lives.
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You were still too "terse" for me on that "intellectual phrase" that I didn't understand before, John. Heh-heh. I'm still scratching my head. It doesn't
matter. It's up to you if you wish to hold it back, or to "come right out and say it," whatever you mean here.
Again I liked the music of this posting over-all, John, the sounds of your being authentic again, without making any big deal out of anything. And you
go on mostly being clear and understandible to me. Good work. I see Eddie is being mellow, and liked it, too!
Coach
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