On seeking strategies to disappear aggravating "flakyness."
Posted by John on December 11, 2002 at 14:05:07:

In Reply to: Re: Here I am being a flake again! posted by Barbara on December 07, 2002 at 01:41:32:

This is just an early beginning on this, Barbara. You may address disappearing this problem by
healing it, if you'd wish to do that. And you may disappear it by living your own
life in a new way on your own—"diving for the space," as we call that strategy in the
awareness game. Your companion brings much aggravation into your life, yet at the very
beginning in approaching this, my coaching suggestion is that we examine, first, what you bring to
this situation, what is it about you that keeps you stuck in that way without acting
dynamically to change things? Then we can better understand how to address the patterns
of your flaky companion.

Well, let's see, before I move on to responding to you, Barbara, a couple more ideas for Shandy. Hello to any of you who may be here on my regular
Wednesday in Classroom Talk.

It just occurred to me, Shandy, that our Webmaster Brent's wonderful search tool might be able to provide you with "a whole book" of comments and
coaching tips that are already posted in this website about mindfulness in communicating with and relating harmoniously with children.

I went to the Search button at the top of the Classroom Talk page, and typed in "children." Ha! Came up with links to 231 places in this school where
children were being discussed, along with the titles and authors of the classes and Classroom Talk comments.

Ah, Brent! I'm ever so grateful to you for giving us this wonderful Search tool! Over the course of our years at this website, we have created
innumerable *books of discussion* of mindfulness here as it pertains to so many human subjects—each such book so easily accessed at the touch of a
few keys, in Brent's bee-you-tifull Search. This is can-do warrior magic in action, in my coaching book.

So, Shandy, you may avail yourself of this magical tool, if you'd like to. I have to admit that I was wrong, and your instincts were right about it from
the start when you felt so assured you would find answers to your questions here. I don't know if they will prove to be your answers. Yet, you will
find an abundance of answers. And you are certainly welcome here to pursue them as much as you'd like to.

The other thing, I remembered that my own favorite communication to young children is: "I feel proud of you for doing that."

Okay . . . Barbara now. Hello again.

Living with someone who is a flake is an exasperating ordeal. You say you blame yourself for putting up with this all these years.

I can tell you right away that there are several other women among the old-timers in this class who can empathize with you very closely in this.

I'd need to know a little more about this to feel more confident in suggesting coaching for you. The same course I just laid out for Shandy would seem
to me to be appropriate for you, if you'd like to get into a training for developing your innate natural powers for dealing with any difficulties in life.

You blame yourself for being stuck in that relationship, and:

>It's a lonely life.

Yes, we can understand what you mean. To my way of thinking, we each deserve loving companionship. But, because of the habits of personality
that we all grow up with, we get in our own ways without realizing it. We fail to speak up and share who we really are when that is appropriate.
Our partners fail in this, too. In attempting to communicate what our hearts are wishing for, we may rub other people the wrong way without
understanding how. Our partners rub us the wrong ways, too. It takes some months of studying to be able to understand what is going on between
people, when they are "clashing with each other every day," as you put it. Yet this understanding can be reached. And this whole on-line school is
about this very subject.

The classes on this website are probably among the quickest methods devised for reaching this understanding of human behavior—at least as far as I
know about. You can read Eckhart Tolle, and Charles Tart, and Jon Kabat-Zinn and Thich Nhat Hanh, and Ram Dass, and Maurice Nicoll, and
Shinzen Young, and Anthony deMello, and a few others, and get the whole picture in a single book. And you can get that clear picture here, too. But
it would take some hard work on your part.

For now, if you'd like to engage in a little dialogue with me about the situation you are looking at (don't use other people's names, please), I'd be glad
to see if I can come up with some coaching ideas.

>I guess I'm looking for strength and courage. I need some happiness in my life. Hopefully I can learn something here.

You know what, I think you've come to the right place, Barbara. At least, this is a place where there are ideas, and even strategies about finding
strength and courage, and happiness in one's life.

The twin goals of this method, the awareness game, are peace within, and harmony with the surrounding environment. Happiness, itself, is not a goal
here, yet in finding inward peace and outward harmony with others, great happiness may happen, may not.

The place where you will find strength and courage is within your own physical body. These capacities were born in you. And like so many other
ordinary human beings, it appears from what you say that you've lost touch with it. And you will find it again with your sense of touch. You will *
feel* it, first-hand! But again, it takes some learning to be able to be so "awake" and alert, that one is able to perceive this. It takes mindfulness
training, like the basic classes at the top of the Kindergarten.

However, as simple as it might sound to you, I can coach you already on what a person can do that brings strength and courage into your body. You
increase your strength and your courage by physically doing the things that you can do. Get up and do the things that you can do—even little things,
whatever they are. Jump up, at any certain point, and—as a learning exercise—start physically doing the things that you can do. By the dance of
physically doing things, even little things, the body actually *takes on* strength and courage all the way. And you can feel it happening, as plain as
standing in the rain and knowing you are getting wet, when you have learned to be mindful.

So, in case you might like a little dialogue on this:

• What are you apparently getting out of it, by staying stuck in that situation without attempting to create change?

If you'd care to share awhile on that topic, I might be able to come up with some coaching ideas. There may be some strategic, and even healing things
that you can say to "a flake." But first we need to take a look at what you are contributing to the situation, if you please.

And you don't have to be lonely when you are here in class, because there are others here who empathize with the things you are sharing.

I'll respond when I can . . . possibly not until next Wednesday.

Coach

As a general rule-of-thumb in the awareness game:

A mindful warrior looks to discover his or her own part in any tense engagement, before attempting to solve the puzzle of how to relate skillfully with
the other person.

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