Classroom Talk
Fifth and Sixth Grades Archive
Dealing with things left unsaid when death intervenes.
Posted by John on 05/23/2003 17:46:08
I'm going to postpone my talk on the importance of "specifics" in
awareness exercises for another day, and get right down to those
exercises I've been thinking about for you, Sally. The week is nearly
over, and I've been working on this all week—mostly in seeking to find
ways of making this simpler and easier to actually do.
All this year, since Gregg died, you have been going through one of the
toughest tests that any of us in this class have had to go through since
Classroom Talk started. Probably, this has been the most challenging and
difficult period of your whole life. The extreme suffering you have been
going through has been evident to your classmates here, who obviously
care.
I see one insight that has come to you already, Sally, in your calling
Gregg "my beautiful partner," and "my life partner." That's quite a
change, because it was always in the context of being your "husband" or,
chiefly, your "ex-husband" that you spoke of him in the past. But here
you have gotten down to the basic reality of it. Married *and* divorced,
you have lived a life as partners together, and that's the truth of it.
In realizing this, you have gotten in touch with so much love for him
that is there in you, that you were seemingly largely unaware of before
he died.
Because of the extreme personalness of your situation, I have held back
from offering coaching. It seems to me that each of us have a right to
go through such traumatic times on our own and in our own ways, without
interference from anyone outside . . . including from those of us who
claim. as I do, to be coaches about strategies for living our lives more
skillfully.
>I will be back....life and my four rambunctious boys goes on...with or without Daddy....I just miss him so...and never realized how much I really do love him.....
>I have to move on....Sal
After a long absence, you posted several such brief notes in class a week
or so ago. I could see signs in this that strength seems to be coming
back to you again. You are looking around to see that you still have
your sons to raise and mentor, and that a life for you, as well, is to go
on. I hope this strength goes on growing in you from here on out. I'd
like to try to put my support behind that.
>Just hoped someone could learn from my mistakes...wish I had been more forgiving...life is so short...Psycho Sal....;-)
Then, as if from a pit of anguish you issued a plaintive cry to the rest
of us:
>Don't do or say shit you will regret later."
I noticed that sharp-eyed Student John seemed to pick up on a sense that
there was big score on your scoreboard in your saying this. For it was
remarks about that specifically that he chose to respond to you about.
There is big score there in this impassioned plea, alright! There is
great tension in the field in the saying of it. You are "in a bad mode"
over this, you realize.
I would call this "your issue." I mean, focusing on "things that you've
said that you later regret" might seem to be the best possible area that
you could choose to work on in the pursuit of transformative work. All
of us have our devils' side, as well as our angels (and Gregg has been no
exception, either). And saying things that may later be regretted has
seemed over these years in Classroom Talk to be "Psycho Sal's" *
specialty*. You know what I mean. Each one of us here have our various
forms of devils in proportion. And *your kind of devils* has shown up
mainly in the form of sharp-tongued stingers that you may well have
regretted afterwards. You're famous for that around here, right?
Working on things you've said that you later regret is a task that is
tailor-made for your own personal transformative work.
And that subject ("Not doing or saying things you will later regret.")
got me thinking of another thing, too—because I realized that Gregg's
passing left you with an anguish over "unfinished business" that you and
Gregg still had when he died. Already we see two things that were left
unfinished, two very important things that were left unsaid—how much you
loved him and miss him, and how badly you feel over things you have done
to him and said to him—two realizations that only really came home to you
as vividly as you know this now . . . after his passing . . . when it
seems now to be too late to be able to get these realities across to him
in honest heart-to-heart communication.
For a long time, you had been making attempts to improve the relationship
between you two. So far as I knew, these efforts were largely
unsuccessful, though at times I thought I saw hints of progress. If
these efforts were to bring you two back into a close loving
relationship, such as you once had had in times long ago gone by, they
didn't achieve that. If they were to heal him . . . . well, he didn't
apparently become healed. And if they were to heal you . . . . . well,
that would leave you in a psychologically perilous position, a position
fraught with danger of bringing a huge case of "survivor's guilt" upon
you.
And that's what seems to have happened.
There may have been elements of fear, loneliness, anger, jealousy-
rejection, shame-depression, anxiety, sadness, and guilt among your *
normal* human reactions to Gregg's death. But if we pay attention to
Fritz Perls' pointer in gestalt therapy to look for what's "on top," what
"shows up," what is simply *there* in your brief postings the other week,
the one emotion that happens to pop out there in your remarks to us
classmates is . . . guilt.
Tick off each of those negative emotions I just enumerated above, fear,
loneliness, anger, etc. . . . and see which one of them seems to fit most
obviously with a person making a statement: "Don't do or say shit you
will regret later." That is a statement that comes out of guilt, right?
That is a statement of a person who feels guilty for some things that
they have said or done.
Go back and remember if guilt has been happening in your body or not?
Has there been a "bubbling, worrying stomach?" Has there been nausea and
throwing up along the way? Those are the tangible sensations of guilt.
I'm betting you were having possibly palpable feelings of a nervous
stomach at the moments when you were typing "Don't do or say shit you
will regret later." Pause right now for a few moments, if you will
please, and check out your abdomen with your awareness, and see if that
may be occurring right now on the spot, as we are talking now about this
subject (which appears to have engendered guilt in you.)
..........................................
I'm so glad Student John spoke up with such authenticity in describing
how he had said words that he later regretted to a loved one "in a way
designed to hurt her which it did deeply." Ah me . . . each and every
one of us have done this same thing in our day . . . if we could all be
authentic about it. Few of us can be so observant and so honest as to
recognize this, however. Few of us have the training to know about such
things.
You are not alone in doing that kind of thing, Sally. We are all in the
same boat with each other with these kinds of things—your dear partner as
well, to be sure. If we are to be authentic, we are going to see that we
live in ways that are divine and ways that are profane. It's the human
condition. And doing and saying things we later regret is a part of the
profane in us all.
Now . . . in seeing these things that we later regret, there is bound to
be pain. Yet there doesn't have to be suffering. If we pay the
warrior's price of feeling the pain (in this case, feeling the nausea of
guilt) the knee-jerk-reaction suffering can be minimized. Doing this is
just like what John just described of relating with the pains of that
kidney stone. You tune in to the pain, you feel the pain, and you keep
feeling the pain. It's quite profound in the doing of it, as John seems
to have experienced.
Here, whenever you can notice that your thinking mind is talking "guilty
talk," pause and wake up, if you can, and bring your attention into the
palpable sensations that are going on. How do we recognize this "guilty
talk" when it is happening? It is talk about what I "should have done"
and "shouldn't have done." A review of the items appearing under the
Kind Helper in the wheelbook will show you the gist of what guilty talk
looks and sounds like.
Or think of the "survivor's guilt" that soldiers have when they come back
from war, leaving dead buddies behind on the battlefield. If you search
the internet you will find plenty of descriptions of survivor's guilt.
They all say things like: "Why did I survive and my buddy die? He
didn't deserve to die. It should have been me." In other words, "I feel
guilty to still get to be here and have the good things of life in front
of me, while my buddy's life has been unfairly taken away from him." —
Does that sound familiar, Sally? You know that it does remind you of
things that you have been thinking during these months.
When our bodies are caught up in guilt—that worrying stomach so often
lacking appetite for nourishment, or any possible new interests being
covered over by mindless binging or drinking—we negate our Beings. We
may lose our natural taste for doing the things we are good at. Our
Essential strengths and talents are shrouded in clouds. Guilt that takes
over a preponderance of our lives is like "an imitation of death."
From the point of view of the awareness game, our job is to recognize
this, "to enter it, to watch it, to own it," as John just stressed. And
to become free of it and move on, not by attempting to throw it away or
deny it, but by assimilitating it in your mindful consciousness as it is.
Feel your stomach right now, inwardly. If it is bubbling or feeling
nauseous (unless it is anesthetized by alcohol) you will know it right
away. To put this in simple terms: applied awareness, if persevered in,
can "disappear" our negative feelings.
..............................................
In the unfolding of events after Gregg died, as I understand it, the
buddies he used to hang around with were in the forefront, and you were
much excluded from the memorial ceremonies that followed his death, or
pushed into the shadows. Thousands of years of human experience have
acknowledged how important participating in such rituals-for-those-who-
have-died is for the psychological health of those who remain behind. I
think you didn't get your fair share of this participation.
Oh, we can be Rebels and stubbornly be different than most people are in
society in most ways. I spurn many of the rituals that society cleaves
to. But I think that's not such a good idea in this case. Sometimes a
well designed ritual can contribute to a person's return to a sense of
"wholeness" after a tragedy. Anyway, I have tried to think of an
appropriate memorial ritual that I might suggest to you, Sally, if you
would be comfortable in trying it out. If not, let it pass. It seems
you are on the way to recovery anyway.
To me, any series of specific and planned-out actions which are
undertaken deliberately while maintaining inward/outward awareness is "a
ritual." A ritual has a beginning, a middle, and an end. There are
certain steps which are to be taken (in a "formal way," if you look at it
that way), and this is to be done while maintaining being mindful, as
much is one is able.
So I have been thinking of designing a ritual exercise to contribute to
the return of a sense of wholeness in you, Sally. To do this, I have
taken note of things that have shown up here which might be things that
you are feeling "incomplete" about with Gregg. When you see what I came
up with, you will realize that I haven't pulled these ideas out of thin
air. These are the very things that *you*, in your own brief little
postings of a week ago have already just mentioned to us. These are the
few things that just popped up in your own short paragraphs back then.
In other words, *you* have already written the ritual exercise that I
have in mind for you to try out. I am just an observer on the sidelines
pointing out what you have already carved out for this piece of work.
What are these specific things that you may apparently be feeling
incomplete about with Gregg? Where are you left "unwhole" in all this?
For starters, as noted, you did not have a chance to tell Gregg how much
you have realized since his dying that you love him. Right? You didn't
have a chance to do *your own kind* of ceremonial observance of his
passing. For another thing, you had no chance to tell him that you are
now feeling guilty about the way things went down in the past. You have
been cheated of an opportunity to discover and express contrition to
Gregg for things that you now realize that you regret having done and
said to him. See what I mean? In addition, you have not yet been able
to express to him that you forgive him for things that he has done and
said to you. And finally, time seems to have run out on you for asking
Gregg to forgive you.
But is it really too late for these things to be accomplished? It might
seem so. But an honest ritual might be developed for doing precisely all
this *in the real world*!!!—at least, that's what I say. Let's make a
ritual exercise out of these very things that have naturally come up in
you to share with your friends here in this class who love you. Let us
devise an exercise "to make you whole again" that is derived from what
your own intuition and instincts have naturally declared about the
situation.
May I suggest that you apply a certain modicum of formality in the doing
of this exercise? It can be practiced once, and it can be repeated
during several consecutive days or nights. It can be repeated for
certain special days, such as personal holidays. It can be varied very
greatly. But remember on each occasion of doing it, that what makes an
awareness exercise an awareness exercise, and what makes a ritual a
ritual is that you have certain specific things that are to be done in a
certain way in sequence beforehand, and when you do them that way, you do
them in awareness.
I suggest you select a time in advance for the exercise, a time when you
will have complete privacy and are unlikely to be distracted by anything
else. Perhaps in the evening before you go to bed is a compatible
choice. I suggest you bring at least one "offering" to the occasion,
such as a flower or candle or anything that seems appropriate to have
present with you for this occasion. There can be "a chair for Gregg" and
a chair for you. I mean that. Having something of his in the room is
fine. There can be a cup for him and a cup for you. (Yeah, doing this
is going to take some courage, alright. But see how it goes, and don't
do it if you aren't comfortable with it, Sally.)
All of this is by way of making what you do into *a real ritual*. And
the most difficult part of these instructions, perhaps, is that you are
to do this ritual out loud. You are to speak out loud, in saying the
things to be said in this ritual, in a natural tone of voice—that is,
showing the natural tone of the feelings of what you are saying.
And I'd suggest you maybe jot down some notes on the instructions
beforehand, as well as the recommended words of the ritual itself. And
you *can revise* these words beforehand, to make them seem more
comfortable and natural for you to say. In other words, it's *fine* to
say it in your own words! And the words given here are only a
recommendation of the specific topics to be covered in this exercise for
restoring wholeness where incompleteness is what now stands.
Okay . . . . . . . here goes!
1. Start by becoming awake in there behind those eyes and within that
body sitting there in your chair in the room. And while feeling your own
living presence there inwardly, silently acknowledge Gregg as you
remember him in the empty space in his chair over there.
2. Steady now. Whatever the cosmic truth of it is will be so. Begin by
being awake and telling Gregg, out loud:
• "I have only realized since you died how much I love you, Gregg."
Or find some other words of your own which express the truth of your own
experience of this. You can talk some more with Gregg on this subject,
if you wish. Don't make anything up for his sake. Just say things that
are absolutely true for you.
I'd definitely suggest you print out the "Candid Communications" chart in
the Kindergarten at the end of the wheelbook there, and use those phrases
as much as you can—on purpose!—in saying whatever you have to say to
Gregg beyond the series of ritual phrases that are given in this
exercise.
If you do that with each step of the ritual here, this will prove most
valuable and healing for you as you go along. And if you glance up and
down that Candid Communications chart each time, you will find one of the
phrases there will fit like a charm with absolutely anything specific
that you'd like to get off your chest with your life partner. In
addition to that, you can pick any of the phrases on that list at random,
and find that it will lead to something *real* that you can have to say
to this dear partner from the bottom of your heart. (I *do* mean to
imply that you can settle old arguments this way.)
Okay, so the first phrase that you have said out loud in this ritual is
"I love you more today than yesterday," or words to that effect. Now
simply leave a space here, remaining awake and centered, and sense that
Gregg is hearing that or not, if there is any way in the Universe for
that to happen. And let it be!
I am *not* asking you to be "believing in anything" here. The whole
emphasis of this exercise from the training's point of view, is on the
observeable things that *you* will actually be doing in the real world
during this ritual.
3. Next, tell Gregg (only if this has become clearly understood in you):
• "I've been feeling guilty about a lot of things that happened during
our life together."
Heh-heh. If that's not absolutely clear to you, tell him:
• "Coach has told me I seem to be feeling guilty about a lot of things
that happened during our life together."
Again, say each of these phrases out loud in a normal tone of voice, and,
remaining awake, leave a space for it to be received or not.
Sometimes, you may imagine that you can "know" from past experiences with
him what Gregg would have to say in reply to what you are saying. If you
will be awake enough and disciplined enough to respond to "what he says"
from the Candid Communications chart, you will see that you are able to
dissolve some of the old arguments on the spot. Keep your center, if any
"dialogue" emerges between you and Gregg, as you go along with these
steps.
4. Next, continuing to keep coming-to and being awake as this process
continues, remember several of the specific things and the very scenes in
your memory if you can, where you have said or done things to Gregg in
the far or recent past that you now regret. Tell him so, out loud:
• "I regret I said that to you that time. I wish I hadn't said it. I'm
sorry now that I said that."
and,
• "I regret that I did that to you that time. I wish I hadn't done it.
I'm sorry now that I did that."
In this step of the ritual, you will have restored your right to have an
opportunity to express contrition.
5. Next, tell Gregg:
• "I wish that you could forgive me for the things I've said and done to
you that have hurt you."
6. Next, remaining as awake as you can in the process, remember a few of
the most painful specific things that you can remember that Gregg did or
said to you (being an ordinary human being like us all, asleep, his life
governed by the conditioning of an ego-driven personality). Tell Gregg
aloud in a normal tone of voice:
• "I hurt when you said __________. I hurt when you did __________."
If you are able to, tell him some of the negative emotions that came up
in you when those events happened:
• "I felt afraid when you ________." "I felt lonely when you
_________." "I felt angry when you _________." Etc. "I felt
jealous..." "I felt ashamed and depressed...." "I felt anxious...." "I
felt sad and miserable...." "I felt guilty....."
Don't try to make anything up. Just tell any truths of this that you are
able to recognize.
7. Next, tell Gregg:
• "I forgive you now for when you said ______ and when you did _______
to me. I realize that forgiveness now. I forgive you for that."
And, with the items where you are not so sure that you do completely
forgive him already, tell him:
• "I am trying now to learn to forgive you for that."
8. Finally, tell him:
• "I'm very, very sad that you died, Gregg."
Try to be very awake inwardly when you are saying this, and feel whatever
it is that you feel. Possibly, you will feel some stirrings of sadness
in your heart area in there, and in your throat, and the muscles of your
face. Possibly tears will come to your eyes, and you will have a cry.
Let it be. Be very awake in there and feel it vividly as you have your
honest human cry.
This is a natural and human response to a situation where love has been
lost. Crying this way is what "mourning" is.
And that's the ritual exercise!
In bravely doing a difficult and even dangerous-seeming exercise like
this, you will be actively participating in restoring to your whole Being
some of the major elements that have become incompletenesses in your life
in the face of this tragedy that you have endured.
You will have regained your natural feelings. And you've found some love
in you that you didn't know about before. You will have regained your
natural right to recognize and express your contrition. And you didn't
really know about that either. You will have regained your natural right
to seek and express divine forgiveness within your economy of Being.
You will have asserted your right to *do your own memorial ceremony* in
observance of your dear life partner's dying. And perhaps you may even
discover within the realm of your own experiences in the real world by
doing this ritual exercise that you are loved for who you are, Sally . .
. and that you are forgiven.
And in doing this—if you are brave enough to try it—I hope that you may
find some new peace when you wake up upon the coming day, and some new
harmony in stepping onward with your beautiful life, even cheerfully (as
one day you will be surprised to see), whatever direction you may choose
to take with it from here now.
Coach
Archived 09/22/2003