Beware of "ideals"
Posted by Student John on 05/27/2003 05:52:49

In reply to Dealing with things left unsaid when death intervenes. posted by John on 05/23/2003 17:46:08

It is my experience that some contrition and forgiveness are not
easy. I have apologized deeply and sincerely for the pain I caused my
loved one and have been forgiven. It has taken several years. I have
apologized and been forgiven more than once. I deeply hurt her.

The difficulty is that love is a mixture of feelings and
those “negative” feelings with which I deeply hurt her are still
within me. There is an ideal of how love should be that both she and I
carry that has been “wounded.” The ideal is so much “rosier” than the
real. At times I feel inadequate that this negative feeling I have
can’t be made to go away so I can achieve the ideal. My actions
toward her today are an admixture of my feelings. Both she and I know
this “negative” feeling of mine is still there. There is no failure
on either of our parts here. We are being human and in that humanness
limited in our abilities to achieve an “ideal” of romantic love. So
while contrition and forgiveness are essential elements so too is the
recognition of our humanity, and that ideals create disappointment
with which all of us live.

Beware of ideals. Not as cheerful as I like to be, Student John
Cheerfulness may be one of those "ideals."

Archived 09/22/2003