Classroom Talk
Fifth and Sixth Grades Archive
Being curious about other's impressions of us—right or wrong.
Posted by John on 07/22/2003 20:34:38
In reply to re-reading the wheel book posted by rob on 07/21/2003 11:23:11
This is great, Rob. I like the way you are sitting with these questions
like a brick in your lap. You have often been good at that around here
in the past. And that was why it caught my attention when you didn't
seem to be doing that a couple of weeks ago after Student John had posted
his impressions of the "music" he sensed that he had heard in a long post
you had done just before that.
In playing the awareness game, if someone shares impressions like that,
the first question is not whether the assumptions that may lie behind
those impressions of us are "right" or "wrong." If our first step is
becoming defensive about the issues, it's the ego-driven personality in
all of us that does that. The better first question is whether you can
pause and say, "Hmmmm. I wonder what it is that gave rise to these
impressions that you have had about me?"
Notice that Student John has just done exactly that with me. I had
suggested that he might have been "worrying" about me when I hadn't
posted for a long time. Although he couldn't see that worry in his first
reflections on his own experiences, he made an extremely skillful move at
that point. He was interested in how I came to have that projection on
him. He was curious. He set the question of rightness or wrongness of
my impression aside, for the time being. He allowed that maybe it was so
that he was worried, and maybe not. Instead of making a defensive move
about it, he was willing to look deeper into the exchange. He was
curious to find out what was behind the facade of what he had seen from
me. And he sounded me out. He sought to find out, first, what I felt
had given me that impression.
This is a fine point. And it's awfully subtle, too. When someone shares
an impression they have of you, even if you know right away that it
doesn't seem to match your own experiences of you, be curious, try to
look beyond the surface of what they are saying, and see if you can catch
on to how the other person came up with that impression, if you can. Ask
about it. Ask for more information. "What gave you that impression?"
This was the sole lesson I had in mind when I referred to the "Movie of
Student John and Rob." John had offered an impression of some music he
felt he heard in your post back then. It seemed to me that you addressed
that in a peripheral way at the time. It seemed to me that you skated on
the edges of it, instead of sitting with it like a brick in your lap, and
then sought to find what the source of those impressions he had might
have been.
That's all. No big deal. Yet this is a fine point in the art of
relating with other people. And it can make a great difference in
whether we actually act in ways that get to the heart of the truths that
lie behind outward appearances.
I'm not saying here that John's impressions at that time were "right."
I'm only suggesting that you missed a golden opportunity to go deeper in
mutual understanding with each other.
And it struck me then that this was *very important* at this particular
time. We are talking about a unique kind of an experiment these days
when we are talking about the Class Writings exercise. I think this can
be uniquely valuable to any intended writers in our group. When any of
us have the courage to step up and post a piece of writing that we are
working on in that department, the good that can come of it depends on
other class members having the courage to take the risk of offering
feedback.
Feedback like that can be extremely valuable to people who are working on
a book, and it just isn't available to most authors, who must work alone
on their creation and write their book "in the dark," so to speak,
without feedback. When a fellow offers his or her impressions, or a
criticism, say, they are "working for" the author then. The risk on
their part is as great as the risk of the author who has invited such
feedback. The criticism, let's say, may prove valuable in the writing
process or not valuable. That will always remain the author's own
decision. But no value can come from it if the author addresses the
criticism peripherally. The greatest chance for value in this experiment
will lie in the author's ability to show interest and curiosity about the
cititicism. "What was it that happened in you that brought about this
criticism? What was it that gave rise in you to this impression?"
Do you see what I mean? I don't mean that Student John's posting on the
music he felt he heard in that post of yours was a criticism, by the way.
It was just an impression that he was honest enough to have the courage
to express to you at that time. There is a special kind of comradeship
in a gesture of this kind. I felt that you failed to take advantage of
the gift that was offered to you then, and didn't act to get to the
bottom of it.
Now, however, in your story about A. and B., it seems like the process
has worked in its time, after all. You have found a way to sit with
these questions like a brick in your lap. You are back to being curious
in looking beyond the surface of things. Good for you.
And good for you, too, John. I've been observing how you have been
making regular and persistent efforts to catch on to what I mean in my
coaching about the observeable music of human behavior. That is one of
the high arts in this game, and I definitely feel you are making progress
in trying it out and putting it into play around here. . . . . . . And,
by the way, I realize now that you were not the one being worried. Since
you called my attention to it, I caught on that the one who was being
worried there was me. So my suggestion that you were worried is a
beautiful example of a projection on my part. When circumstances,
whatever they may be, prevent me from posting as often as I usually do, I
*do* tend to feel guilty about it, and I worry that you students here
will (to bring Eddie's topic into it) "lose faith in me," so to speak.
And that's what I was worrying about when I made that remark. The ol'
Coach, who insists that you students shouldn't have faith in me, was
worrying, by golly, that you and other students might be losing faith in
me.
Ah, we are a complex mix, we humans. And, in my coaching view, it's
always good to be interested and curious, and actively be looking behind
the surfaces to see if it's possible to discover what may be lying
behind.
................................................................
I take it, Rob, that you are applying these hypotheticals ("A." and "B.")
to your own life and experiences and impressions that you have of you and
another person. I like the technique you have invented here for doing
this in class, in a way that preserves your privacy and confidentiality.
Others in class might try this technique out sometime, as it is possible
really to paraphrase even the most personal issues confidentially by
paying attention to how your sharings and questions are put.
At the same time—and this may seem contradictory—I wonder if one can't
bring such a sharing all the way in from being hypothetical in its form
without harm, and, go ahead and say, for instance:
"The other person engages in an activity, and I am angry about it."
For one thing, the full thrust of the healing potential in such sharing
is realized by *owning* the emotion in the articulation. "I am angry" is
potentially more healing than "B. is angry." Does that make sense to
you?
That would preserve "confidentiality" in the sharing, wouldn't it? And
maybe in the reflections that follow, one will find that one is not
angry, after all, in the situation. But at least one will have taken the
risk of expressing the matter with the greatest possible authenticity.
Later, one may revise his or her view and find: "I guess it wasn't
anger, after all. I was being jealous is what seems better to fit."
(This is just an example, and not referring to my impressions of your
story here.)
These are ideas that pertain to moving more in the direction of "speaking
the language of Being." This sharing was a good first step you made, if
you don't mind my suggesting a second step here in the direction of what
we might call "authentic experience sharing from a mindful warrior's
perspective."
If this is confusing, please ask for more clarification. Somehow I don't
feel I'm managing to be all that clear as I return to coaching from such
a long break—I feel "out of practice," you might say.
...........................................................
Here are some impressions of my own on the "movie" of A. and B.
Pauline has made some comments on a similar scenario, where a Doormat may
not speak up, "rides it out," and may say nothing because it would be
'disturbing the peace.' I guess she's tired of that and doesn't want to
do that any more. And I support that.
As you surmise, an engrained habit of sweeping it under the carpet and
not expressing the reality of a troubling situation out loud is a
personality characteristic of the type we call the Doormat around here.
If the aim is peace and harmony, we may find that this just doesn't work.
The situation we are holding back on expressing about continues, and may
get worse.
From the point of view of our training, resolving the matter hinges on
being able to find ways of expressing about the matter that may offer
real opportunities for making things better. I recommend trying out
phrases on our Candid Communications chart for that.
You ask if it "the Judge" that adds to the "pile of irritations." If it
was the Judge you would not have the situation of not speaking up about
it. Judges tend to go ahead and be blatant about their judgments when
they are being angry. Even Doormats get angry about irritations and have
judgments about irritations. But what *makes them Doormats* is that they
tend to avoid rocking the boat and speaking up about it.
If a person is both a Judge and a Doormat, they may tend to fall into
sarcastic criticizing and punishing at certain times, and avoiding
rocking the boat at other times.
Even if it is mainly a Doormat scenario, he or she may find *some little
ways* of "leaking out their irritation and anger" in things they have to
say to the other person—whether it be the boss, or a colleague at work,
or one's child or parent, or one's spouse, or friend. Doormats may try
to hold back their anger, but eventually it may come across to the other
person anyway.
Some hypothetical suggested communication for reflection and possible
use:
"Maybe I've been coming across as harsh with you about certain things
these months. Sometimes I've been being angry about certain things and
not telling you about my feelings because it means so much to me that we
be able to find ways to live in peace and harmony together (and/or in
comradeship together, or in love). I'm afraid if I speak up when I'm
hurting with anger that that will make things harder for you, and I wish
to support you in the things you are wishing for in your life, instead of
making things harder for you. I'm wishing to be on your side in my life.
When upset times like this come up in our relating together, sometimes I
feel I have to hold back. But maybe that's not the best thing for us.
I'm wishing to find new ways to work together with you to heal these
situations. I do love you, you know! Our association together means so
much to me. I know there may be times when you get angry at me, as well.
And maybe you do this holding back thing with me, too. Can we try to
share about these times of alienation with each other more honestly, as
friends, so we can understand each other more and more, and help each
other when these differences come up? Maybe, for instance, there can be
compromises that will work if we are honest with each other about our
feelings? At least we can each be aware of it when the other one is
hurting about anything, so we won't be hurting each other blindly. Maybe
if we can understand each other more clearly we will be able to find ways
together to make our friendship/collaboration/work together/relationship/
marriage/partnership, etc., etc. happier and more productive for us
both."
This is not intended to be "a memorized speech," of course. It is just
some "impromptu dialogue" that I am making up. It proposes a "kind of
music of authenticity" that may be helpful when two people who are in
association with each other find that they are sometimes rubbing each
other the wrong way. It offers honest sharing and sincere efforts to
find compromises that work when any two people are relating together and
seem to be becoming alienated. It comes from a place of deep caring.
Any of you in this class can make up your own phrases for doing this.
The Rebel does act-out knee jerk rejections in the way you described in
your description of "the other's observed pattern." The other
hypothetical reactions you enumerate are plausible. But so long as you
are left having to guess what's going on with the other person you cannot
refine your own communications to address what's really going on and
needed by the other person. Try to find out, instead.
Suggested possible approach:
"If I have been making you angry (making you feel anxious, provoking you
to reject me, etc.) can you tell me how I am doing that so that I can see
what's going on and have a chance to address it and grow from it?"
It's not uncommon that "the other person" will be coming from an attitude
that "it's not my responsibility to point out to you the things you are
doing that are hurting me." They may have an idea that you ought to be
able to see that already and be able to do something about it if you
really cared. The unfortunate truth, as far as human relationships are
concerned, is that all so often we are not being able to see how we are
wounding the other person or rubbing them the wrong way. Often, we
can't catch on to our Selves without some honest feedback by the other
person. At least some of the time, all of us do need to have our
behavior pointed out clearly to us, if we are ever to catch on. Feedback
is *so* valuable!
And when the other person *risks* telling us what has been bothering
them, they may feel they are running a risk of being dumped on for being
so candid, or else being barraged with a lot of Self justifications. We
have to be very alert and careful not to make them have to pay for their
candor with us. We have to put some work into it to help them to
understand that this time we really are asking for their candor. And we
have to *teach them" that this time we aren't going to react to their
candor in the aggravated and possibly violent ways that they have seen us
react to their candor when they have tried to be candid in the past. Do
you see what I mean here? All so often, we have taught the other people
in our lives to expect they are going to have to "pay for it" when they
are honest with us. It is a great skill if we can learn to "pay them,"
instead for taking the risk of being candid. If we can learn to be
grateful for other people's candor (even if the points they are making
aren't right) we will be richly rewarded for it.
In effect, what you are asking for, in an exercise like this, is that you
both learn, by practice, to become humble enough and contrite enough with
each other to have a different kind of communication and relationship
than you have had together in the past. They may have a hard time
believing you are willing to do that, at first, but if you are really
ready for honesty and working together to solve your problems together,
you will have to convince them that you are ready for that in the
beginning. And then . . . for it to work . . . you really need to
practice being as awake as you can be in your communications with them
from then on. Then you can reap the benefits of such efforts.
I don't mean you have to not make any more mistakes with the other
person. That probably isn't possible. And they will probably make more
mistakes with you, as well. You just have to realize you have made more
mistakes very quickly when they are brought to your attention by your
partner in this kind of communication.
I don't know how many people in association with each other are cut out
to have ideal communications and relationships of this kind. These ideas
won't work with everybody. If the other person absolutely refuses to
consider mutual honesty like this then it can't happen. Yet I do know
that one can work for this. It is possible to get real honest and caring
communications going with another person. It isn't easy. But a person
who decides to work for this can work for it.
Finally, "withdrawing" as you ask about, can be a situation where one is
"falling back in helplessness" in the situation (Doormat), and it can be
"rising above the situation in a sense of superiority (Con Artist). Most
typically, getting up and walking out of the room, per se, is an example
of Rebel rejection, as you surmise. However . . . . . maybe the person
just has to go to the bathroom when they walk out, or any of a million
other things that one doesn't know about. You have to be careful about
calling this a "rejection" peremptorily. Find out! That's what today's
class is about, having the presence of mind to make the effort to find
out what lies behind the surface of what's going on.
Yet, here's something you can know: if A. *is* walking out to reject B.
as a Rebel may typically do, it very well might be because B. has done
something, knowingly or unknowingly that has made A. *feel rejected by
them*.
"Are you feeling rejected by me? Am I doing things that provoke you to
reject me?" It takes courage as well as awareness to ask to know the
truth about this. And I suppose there are some times when knowing the
truth about this—even if it hurts—might be the only thing that might save
the day!
Coach
Another thing: remember that if communications of this kind are truly
working right you will start seeing some open "give and take" in it from
both sides. It's not about either of you surrendering your most cherished
life wishes to the other. ln relationships, the only way to be winners
is if you can find ways that both of you are winning, and you both know
it, and you're both glad. In fact, that may be a defining idea in
relationships of all kinds. Real relationships are events where the
people involved are deeply and sincerely committed to working hard and
bravely to discover ways where both (or all parties in a group) are being
winners as much as possible.
"Help me to find more ways that I can help you to be achieving the
cherished wishes that you have for this life." Simplistic as that may
seem, if any two people (or members of a project or group) can say that
to each other, and live up to it, there you will see real relationship .
. . in my view, at least. It may be too much to ask for, realistically,
sometimes. But it isn't always too much to have in this life, if one is
willing to give it their best try.
But then, heh-heh, I guess that's "faith" talking in me once again right
there. I don't know. I still have more to learn about this area of
human life, too. Despite so many relationship mistakes that I've made
over the years, surely I've had more than my share of the good of it all
in my past. Still, tomorrow seems mysterious, as always for me, and
often forboding, if not at least challenging. And then there's faith???
Is that how it's supposed to go?—cultivating faith in each other? I'm
still on the trail of finding out how life can get as good as that?
Coach
Notice the Doormat music here and there in my post today. I'm finding it
difficult to get back into the swing of coaching again. Hope this class
is clearer than I think it is. Feedback, anyone?
Archived 09/22/2003