Classroom Talk
Fifth and Sixth Grades Archive
My Doormat
Posted by Student John on 07/27/2003 06:51:33
In reply to Re: Unattached or Doormat?? posted by Rob on 07/26/2003 08:04:34
Hi Rob,
I share in Eddie’s sentiments and while I never experienced what
you’re going through I can be clearer about how my Doormat affects me
and my relationships. As always, what is for me may not be true for
you or any one else.
When I said that the relationship got better as I dropped my Doormat
that was the secondary effect. The primary effect of “waking up to”
and unattaching to my Doormat was “I” changed. As Doormat, the “cost”
to me was that I resented giving in to those with whom I didn’t want
to make waves. This resentment oozed out of me and with them in ways
they would be better able to explain that I.
DeMello talks about three types of behavior. One is where we please
ourselves, the second is where we are pleased by pleasing another, and
the third is where we grudgingly “serve” another not because we want
to but because we are afraid to take the consequences of “standing
up.” In this third form we take out our unwillingness to “stand up”
on others. We make them pay later for our “bad feelings” of not
standing up. Another way of saying “standing up” is “authentic
communication.” That is to say we are willing to say what we’re
feeling, not to put it on the other but to share rather than muffle
ourselves. Another way to say it is that we are willing to be “known”
by the other by stating our feelings, not to hurt or disappoint the
other, but to honestly express who we are at that moment.
I’m still quite inexperienced in being unattached to my Doormat.
Perhaps an experience will help this tortured explanation. Due to
illnesses of my daughter and wife, I was primary caregiver to my now
8 year old grandson for 6 years. I resented being his primary care
giver but never was willing to openly express that. I profited much
from the relationship, which I was willing to express. My being
primary caregiver was a “mixed bag” for me only the “good” of which I
was willing to express. I was going to make do and do the best I
could for my grandson. My resentment created a stress in me that
erupted in shortness and unrealistic expectations for my grandson. My
daughter is now able to care for her son full time. This “breather”
has given me perspective. This weekend I again was primary caregiver
for my grandson as my wife was away and my daughter needed a rest. In
these hours I’ve been able to see the Doormat arise and with it
resentment. In addition to seeing Doormat arise I’ve begun to
unattached to it by being honest. “I don’t want to play now.” “I
just want to put up my feet for a while.” In doing so I’ve given him
the “right” to be an eight year old. My expectations of him are more
realistic and open to who he is.
These are some of the ways my Doormat has gotten in my way of relating
honestly and openly to others. I feel this may not be very clear so if
you are unclear about any of this let me know and I’ll try for
clarification. The “trick” of course is to find out, if you are in
Doormat, what is going on with you at that moment and later.
Love, Student John
Archived 09/22/2003