Classroom Talk
Fifth and Sixth Grades Archive
What to DO?
Posted by rob on 07/27/2003 08:30:05
Hi everyone:
First, if my private life dramas seem to be inappropriate for the
class, please let me know.
Second, I read S/John’s post yesterday as the Coach, please forgive the
confusion.
So today I’m wondering what to DO.
While some sadness and anxiety are coming up I am mostly feeling OK
with what’s going on. I can accept that my wife is no longer in love
with me, doesn’t find me attractive, doesn’t need to be taken care of
and doesn’t need companionship. In fact, my overall calmness about this
certainly suggests to me that I’ve been engaged in a good deal of
emotional withdrawal already. I am looking back and seeking to honestly
see what I’ve done to help create the current situation. And I see a
number of things. The biggest, of course, is not communicating my
needs. Thinking things would just get better by themselves. And
predictably, they didn’t.
The difference between where I’m at and where my wife is at is that I’d
like to bring things out into the light and work on them. She does not.
And that’s the thing. I’m not sure what she does want. She hasn’t said
that she wants to leave, either a separation or divorce, although it
seems to be the only alternative if one doesn’t want to work on working
things out. This is a source of confusion for me, maybe uncertainty is
a better word.
I am wishing to continue to be around my kids a lot, and would like her
to be as well. I’d like to be involved with their lives and I’d like
their mom to be as well. In this scenario, we’d be talking things over
about the kids a lot. So it is important to me that my wife and I, if
we are to separate, do so on really friendly terms. As far as I can
tell, she hasn’t made any plans to move out or do anything. So, either
she has, and I don’t know what they are, or she is considering what to
do and hasn’t formulated a plan. As a very doormat dominated person, my
wife is just sort of letting things ride. Maybe she’s getting ready for
the hard work that is coming. I’m not sure. And I’m not exactly sure
how to ask about it, though I would like to. Maybe an open ended
question starting with my acceptance of the situation and then asking
her what she is considering doing? Not sure.
I’m wondering what is my role in this plan? In a way, I’d like to
assist in figuring this out. There are lots of financial questions,
lots of matters with the kids, some questions about dividing up stuff
(though I’m not too attached to most of our stuff). At the same time,
I’d really rather that she choose to work on the relationship with me.
No helping her to move out (if that IS what she wants) seems like a
manipulation. And then, I’d like to honor her statement that she
doesn’t want to be taken care of. So by staying out of it, does this
communicate my willingness to treat her differently? And the other
thing is that I do have financial interests. After my first divorce I
was nearly destitute. I lived in a place in south Tucson where the
bathroom was literally outside off the back porch. I’ve worked really
hard to get myself to a financial level where I can now go back to
being a faculty member and have the security (I know this is a believer
thing) and the resources to do more creative work. My wife isn’t the
type to take advantage in this way. In fact, she’d probably say that
this is “her failure” and that she isn’t entitled to much or anything.
Well my classmates. For now, I’m doing nothing. I am trying to be
peaceful around my wife. I’m trying to be friendly. I’m not bringing up
anything heavy unless the kids are asleep. I’m not telling my friends
that we are having a crisis. I’m just doing nothing about this. And my
wife’s very cold withdrawal is difficult to be around. Strange she
comes on so warm with the kids but so cold to me. She is making sure I
get the point! Anyway, for myself, I need to either work on fixing this
or work on ending it. The question is when and how. For me, I’m trying
to keep myself from being too eager since I know I act on anxiety. And
how, I’m trying to keep myself from being “Mr. Smarty” about it and
getting it all figured out. So, nothing is a hard place right now. But
it seems the best place to be.
Thank you all for allowing me to communicate with you here. Knowing
that I can share with you and that we have the same study in common has
been a tremendous source of comfort and support.
Love,
Rob
Archived 09/22/2003